Mothers teach their daughters to be nice and polite. To be rude, to get into a fight – such behavior does not paint the girl. But by instilling good manners, parents deprive their daughter of self-defense skills. Will she be able to resist male violence in the future – only a few think about it.
Unfortunately, most modern women have been taught that it is necessary to hide and suppress in themselves those feelings that do not look “feminine”. And from generation to generation, mothers pass on to their daughters this norm – “behave well”, be nice, thereby depriving them of the ability to self-defense.
In a girl’s world, “being good” means “not being strong.” But, by requiring their daughters to remain “good” and behave politely with everyone, mothers take away their weapons with which they could respond to the offender.
Sometimes they don’t even give them the strength to argue with him.
Here are some possible scenes from the future:
While you’re leafing through a tattered fashion magazine in the next room, your teenage daughter and her favorite piano teacher walk through a tricky pre-concert scene. Everything seems to be working out for her, and at this time the teacher puts his hand on her hip …
Embarrassed and frightened, she freezes and does not know what to say.
At a party at a friend’s house, she (already 18) is ready to dance the night away. She really likes the way she looks in a tight dress. Perhaps she drank a little more than usual. The guy from the company, who had never spoken to her before, invites her to go to the balcony, but, passing through the room, she hears him closing the door behind them …
Her heart jumps in her chest and she feels momentary panic.
In 50% of cases, violence is not committed by a maniac or a serial offender.
Having got a job after graduation, she goes on a business trip for the first time. At 10 p.m. there is a knock, and when she opens the door, she sees her boss on the threshold of her room with a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other.
How did you prepare your daughter for these moments?
44% of women in America have experienced sexual harassment at some time in their lives, and one in five, that is, 20%, is raped. In 50% of cases, violence is committed not by a maniac and not by a serial criminal, but by someone they knew before.
When that moment comes, you won’t be around. Only the advice that you gave before, what you taught in childhood, can help.
What messages did you leave for your daughter?
Some scenes from her childhood:
1.“Don’t be so timid – hug Uncle Mike.”
Message: a good girl is obliged to show sympathy, she does not dispose of her own body. To not show sympathy for someone who demands it is to behave rudely.
Lesson learned: do not trust yourself and your sense of dislike. To be accepted and approved, be ready to agree to show sympathy without hesitation, even if the person is unpleasant to you.
2. “He didn’t mean to offend you, he was just playing. Be a good girl and give him your toys.”
Message: a good girl expects only good things from others and sees only good things, no matter what they do and how they act. You need to ignore the aggression from someone and continue to act nice and helpful.
Lesson learned: learn to ignore the threat and find an excuse for aggressive behavior towards you. Forget about how you want to respond to the offender, and respond to rudeness and violence only with kindness.
3. “You’re not angry with him, are you? You’re just upset.”
Message: good girls don’t get angry. They suppress anger and experience more decent feelings, such as sadness. Anger points to the offender. Anger demands justice. Sadness leaves the victim alone…
Lesson learned: someone else’s comfort is always more important than your own and how you feel. Suppress anger before you even realize it, so that everyone around you will feel good.
Let me ask you a few more questions:
- If something happened to her, would her daughter be able to talk about it?
- Will she be confident enough in herself (and will she still have this confidence after what happened) to understand that this is not her fault?
- If she experiences sexual abuse, will she remain silent and keep everything to herself? Psychologists regularly tell us that sometimes such silence is even more damaging than the trauma itself.
Why are mothers so blind to the destructive messages they send to their daughters?
We all need to remember at least two important phrases that girls need to say from childhood:
“If you tell me that you don’t feel comfortable around someone, whether it’s a family friend or a relative, I will always listen to you and take it seriously. Your safety is the most important thing to me.”
Source: blogs.psychcentral.com