How we push others away without meaning to

Unconditional love is the best gift that parents can give to a child, but, alas, this is not always the case: often children are forced to seek the favor of adults – by exemplary behavior or academic success.

Growing up, they try to earn the love and approval of a partner, and indeed close people in general, involuntarily adjusting to them, trying to please. This happens in different ways: some slowly change their style, trying to satisfy the tastes of a loved one, others directly ask for advice on any occasion, others require daily confirmation of feelings, compliments and assurances of their affection.

They cling to those around them with a stranglehold and thereby force the latter to free themselves, move away. And this is understandable: the patience of others is not unlimited, and constantly feeding other people’s needs for attention and approval at your own expense is very tiring.

Insecure people are constantly “hungry”, and assurances from others that they are needed, important, valuable and loved are always not enough for them (the same is true for people with an anxious type of attachment). Sooner or later, others begin to understand this, and the burden placed on their shoulders becomes too heavy. However, insecure people cannot be blamed either: without constant recognition and approval from others, they do not feel emotionally secure.

The most important person in your life is yourself

A natural question arises: is it possible to do something about it? Is it possible to learn to receive support from oneself, draw self-confidence? It is possible, although the process of change is not easy and takes time.

1. Try to reconsider the attitude towards yourself, the perception of yourself. Remember: you already have the main person in your life – yourself. And no one can take that away from you.
2. Learn to be proud of your achievements, even the smallest ones. Set goals, move towards them and celebrate your success.
3. Do what interests you. Do what makes you feel happy.
4. Learn to spend time alone with yourself, study yourself, your desires and needs. What helps you feel like yourself? Physical activity that allows you to feel every muscle in the body? Relaxing bath? Include these activities in your weekly schedule. Learn to prioritize yourself.
5. Step by step, regain your sense of self-worth. This will not happen overnight: building this building brick by brick is a process that can take several years. Find something that will support you along the way. You are a living person, you have flaws, and you probably made a variety of mistakes. They are as much a part of you as virtues and successes, and you also need to learn to accept them.

Be kind to yourself, forgive, love and support yourself through your ups and downs. Remove responsibility for your life from others: your happiness is your own area of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbresponsibility. And, when you understand this and change your life, loved ones will again take a step towards you.

“The state of tension encourages us to move away, build a distance”

Irina Yarsanova, existential psychologist

“I treat myself the way you treat me” is the motto of people who cannot live without praise and approval. If the main thing in your life has become the search for approval in one or more areas, then you are probably distinguished by the following:

• persistent lack of satisfaction from the main activity or relationships with loved ones;
• low self-esteem and an obsessive feeling that you are not recognized, not noticed;
• the desire to push their natural needs into the background, suppressing feelings rushing out;
• feeling of emptiness.

Such people even physically feel bad if they do not receive enough praise. Why it happens? Why is it that one does not care whether he is praised or not, while the other, with truly manic persistence, strives to receive praise?

The thing is that some even in childhood had to fight for recognition. Parents encouraged or even forced them to do this, getting satisfaction from how others admire their child. Reputation, the opinion of others, approval and recognition were paramount.

To a greater extent, such parents built their goals and expectations, focusing on society, and not on the natural inclinations of the child. And he, the child, had to learn to suppress his emotional needs and natural inclinations in order to receive approval – primarily from his parents. Thus, a “false self” was formed in the child, and, as a result:

• he cannot make a decision on his own, guided by his true needs, because “others know better”;
• he does not understand what he wants;
• it is difficult for him to be spontaneous, he constantly thinks about how his behavior will look from the outside;
• there is no sense of self-worth, constant confirmation of others is necessary that everything is in order with him, that he is well done;
• all attention is directed to others, to their reactions, opinions, and, as a result, hypersensitivity to rejection is formed.

Two types of people can be distinguished: some want to be loved, others crave admiration, which means they are often distinguished by narcissism and egocentrism. Why does this cause rejection from others?

Imagine that your interlocutor overemphasizes his status or financial well-being, belonging to a certain circle, his success or appearance. He may be actively asking for compliments, or he may be more subtle, shaping the conversation in a way that surreptitiously pushes you to express approval. How would you feel?

This usually causes a feeling of embarrassment and a desire to escape. The state of tension encourages us to move away, to build a distance with such a person.

What to do?

First of all, admit: yes, this is about you. And, recognizing, either work with the problem on your own, or contact a psychologist.

It is important to understand that your behavior was formed a long time ago, in childhood, which means that it will take time to change it. Now that you understand the peculiarities of your behavior, you have a choice: to act as before or try something new – for example, begin to freely express your desires and feelings.

To do this, learn to recognize and meet your needs. Ask yourself regularly what you really want. What bad will happen if you do this? What will you gain as a result? In my experience, those who really want to change feel the results quite quickly. The result of the work will be the incomparable pleasure of getting to know your true “I”.