Yes, many of us were not loved as children. But if you are reading this right now, it means that you are ready to fill in the “gaps” and give yourself this love yourself. Learn to be the kindest parent in the world. The key is to avoid these five common mistakes.
Lack of self-love often feels like a void, like a significant part of us is missing. It is not entirely clear how this void was formed, but we have a need to fill it. Unfortunately, we tend to fill this void with something obvious, something that “falls under the arm”. Therefore, the consequences of such searches often become truly disastrous.
1. Random purchases. It can be clothes, cosmetics, delicacies – anything. Often a person does not even remember what exactly he acquired once again. The number of purchases becomes more important in order to close this spiritual emptiness as much as possible, to score, to immure with at least something.
Such purchases litter life rather than fill it. They act as garbage that clutters up, takes away lightness, hinders development. And it seems that the emptiness is no longer so big, and life seems to be becoming more tolerable, but this effect is very short-lived.
This gives momentary relief, but further complicates the situation even more. After all, the feeling of emptiness will come with even greater force, because things are not able to replace emotions.
This behavior pattern often leads to shopaholism, and this is already a serious diagnosis that requires treatment.
2. Food. It is no wonder that this is such a common way, because many of us in childhood significant adults (parents, grandparents and others) showed their love with just some goodies. Therefore, when we grow up, we continue to express love to ourselves in the usual way, namely, we buy some delicacies, sweets.
But we all already know that food is not capable of drowning out a spiritual wound, and even more so, it is not able to fill a spiritual emptiness. Rather, it can alleviate for a short time, while the consequences will have to be disposed of much longer.
3. Search for the love of another person. A very dangerous way. This is the shortest road to love addiction. Self-dislike cannot be made up for by the feelings of someone else. And in this situation, a person acts more as a suppliant, sometimes a toxic, clingy supplicant who begs to give him at least some warmth.
It’s not a secret for anyone that love cannot be begged or received in another non-environmentally friendly way.
True love can only be given, received as a gift from the breadth of the soul, from excess, from abundance.
Therefore, people who seek it from the outside are doomed to failure.
They often misinterpret the teachings that we can receive love from parents, and begin to demand this from their loved ones, spouses, children, aged parents, and relatives. It even happens that under pressure, others try to give them something. But this “something” in any case is not capable of closing spiritual wounds, and in most cases it is capable of generating new ones.
4. Earning love through achievements. It’s about trying to earn love. A fairly common situation is when, due to the “pumping” of other resources, such as work, study, career, people try to prove to themselves or others that now they are worthy and deserve more love. Unfortunately, this is not the case, and love does not directly depend on any resource.
Love cannot be earned by success in studies, a high position or a large salary. Spending all your resources on this and making every effort for this, a person may find himself in a situation where there may simply not be time and mental strength left for relationships and family.
5. Improve yourself. Here I would like to say separately about the image, because many people think that it is he who increases the chances of getting love. Particularly susceptible to this danger are those women who begin to over-invest in the services of cosmetologists and even plastic surgeons. And everyone knows the sad consequences of this passion without measure.
Here it is important to observe the rule of the golden mean, and not spend all your time on one thing. This is how you get the most benefit.
It is impossible to replace self-love with something from the outside or a surrogate like food or new things. You need to love yourself, and then you will learn to love others. Give love and get it in return.
About the Developer
Ekaterina Kostyashova – Counseling Psychologist, Supervisor.