We are the model of discretion when it comes to the problems of our friends. At the same time, for some reason, we ourselves are completely lost in similar situations. Why does reasonable advice come from outside and what is Solomon’s paradox? Psychologists say.
Why do our quarrels and omissions sometimes drag on for days and weeks, and insults leave an unpleasant aftertaste? It’s hard to act rationally when emotions are overwhelming. But we still need to take into account the feelings and thoughts of other people that we care about. Therefore, the look of an outsider (friend or colleague) can help us reason more soberly and avoid rash decisions. According to psychologists, this technique also works when … we ourselves act as a detached adviser.
Read more:
- About advice
Psychologists Igor Grossmann and Ethan Kross conducted an experiment: a group of young people who were in a relationship were asked to imagine a situation of betrayal in a couple. In one case, their partner acted as the culprit, in the other, it was not about them, but about their acquaintances. Then the participants had to answer the questions: how they see the outcome of the conflict, what could have caused it, what advice could they give to the couple in order to restore mutual understanding. The authors rated the responses based on the extent to which participants were able to consider different points of view, consider arguments impartially, and be lenient. As a result, the most successful were the answers of those who analyzed the relationships of acquaintances.
The psychologists then asked the participants to repeat the procedure. But in this case, some had to present themselves as the perpetrators of the conflict. And again, when it came to the situation in a pair of others, the answers turned out to be more balanced and wiser. According to the authors, differences in the perception and assessment of the problem are related to how far we are able to distance ourselves from it: the less we are personally involved in the situation, the easier it is for us to abstract from emotions, accompanying fears and doubts*.
“We called this feature of our thinking the paradox of Solomon – after the biblical king, who, being a great sage, still could not save himself from mistakes in making decisions that concerned himself,” explains Grossman. – Our findings suggest that in order to make more informed decisions, we need to learn to look at the situation from a distance, as if someone else is acting in it. For example, you can think about a problem aloud, using instead of the pronoun “I” – “he”, “she” or even your name.
It is worth noting that this is not the first study that talks about the importance of the ability to look at yourself from the outside. For example, earlier Ethan Cross and his colleagues found that participants who were asked to talk to themselves out loud, imagining themselves as another person, experienced less embarrassment than those who used the pronoun “I” in the conversation.
*Psychological Science, online publication June 9, 2014.