I wanted to write about this six years ago when my husband had a stroke. But at first it was not up to that, and then it was not up to that, and only then it began to seem that there was no need. In addition, I know that my words will offend someone, and when in doubt, I always remember the words of Tsvetaeva: “You can’t change people, but you don’t need to offend.”
But last night, when I was standing at the hospital elevator, almost sliding down the wall and trying to remember if I had eaten anything during the day, my phone rang. Our old friend called. “Well,” I heard demanding. “Tell me what happened to Seryozha.” I told. “Well, keep us posted,” they told me in response. “Call us at least once a day.” I replied that it was impossible. I can’t call dozens of people a day. The friend was offended. “Well, will it be better if I call you every day?” – she said.
And at that moment I realized that I would still write this difficult text. Not for such people – you definitely can’t change them – but for yourself. Life is so arranged that misfortunes happen in it. People we know end up in the hospital with terrible diagnoses, get into car accidents, become victims of bandits, and generally disappear. We react to this very emotionally, we are worried, we want to know the details, to do something. And sometimes, in the wake of our experiences, we do things that only worsen an already difficult situation. I understand that I do the same.
Therefore, I decided to write down everything that I see from the inside, and promised myself to reread this entry the next time I encounter someone’s grief “outside.”
So what to do, or rather what not to do.
1. Do not call relatives. Of course, if you are a best friend and you are sure that one sound of your voice will support people on the other end of the line, it is a different matter. But if you are a colleague, a classmate, a classmate, a drinking buddy, a dancing or fishing partner, if you rested together at a camp site or played in the sand (the list is surprisingly diverse and endless) – do not call.
Close people are not up to you. Yes, you are very worried and want to know all the details, but try to remember that your loved ones are much, much worse than you. They are mentally and physically exhausted, they have experienced terrible scenes, soul-stirring conversations, they are exhausted by communication with doctors or the police, they are scared, they cry and tremble with fatigue. They cannot relax and constantly have to make important decisions.
You can be the best medical specialist in the world, but the health of the patient will depend not on you, but on the nurse
And at the same time, no one cancels all the necessities of ordinary life. From the outside, it may seem that grief is all that is happening to people now, but in fact, even in the midst of grief, children have to go to school and kindergarten, someone has to cook dinner and walk the dog, and work remains work. And it also happens that the work of the “retired” family member becomes an additional work of the remaining ones.
In addition, close people need a phone for important things. I remember how six years ago I held the phone in my hands and waited for a call to transfer to another hospital. I barely achieved this and could not miss the call – there was even nowhere to call back – and at that time my husband’s colleague called me. I answered her call – she called again. And so six times in a row.
Phone calls drain much faster. And there is nowhere to charge it.
2. If the person is in the hospital, do not call the hospital department. Last time we had a disaster with this item. Everyone was sitting at home and was very worried, and therefore cut off the phone in intensive care, where the staff already has something to do. And I rushed to the hospital, trying to see the doctor at least with one eye, and be sure, already on the second day I flew in because of these calls on the first day.
You can be the best medical specialist in the world, able to give the staff a lot of valuable advice. But the health of the patient will not depend on you, but on the nurse. Don’t annoy the nurses.
3. If you definitely want to contact relatives –write. Text messages, letters, remarks in the chat. They can be read at your convenience.
4. Do not ask, either orally or in writing. Think honestly: why do you need details? If they are reported to you, will it somehow help the sick (injured, missing …)? To be honest, this is just a manifestation of ordinary human curiosity, which, like a magnet, is attracted to misfortunes.
It is very painful to retell again and again disappointing forecasts, heartbreaking details and sad statistics. And even when the forecasts are comforting, and the statistics are encouraging, it is very painful all the same. Today they are comforting, but tomorrow they are not again, everything changes, and no one will give guarantees. If you really itching, find those who know more – we are in the digital age, after all. And leave your family alone.
If you really want to help someone with money, don’t ask if they need it. Just bring and give
Special greetings to those who demand to be updated daily on the state of affairs, “because they are very worried.” Count how many close relatives a person has – children, parents, sisters, brothers. We have, for example, ten of them. Naturally, they want to know what is going on, and, oddly enough, they have a priority right to this. Only it takes a lot of time to retell the events of the day to close relatives.
5. Do not ask for a response to your letters and messages. Don’t ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Just write: “I can help.” I answered dozens of messages yesterday. I answered because some people are very reverent and offended if you do not answer them.
6. If you want to share a useful contact, do the same: write a message with full details. Same rule: don’t ask “send the phone?” – just send, do not write “arrange a consultation?” – write “I can agree.”
And leave your relatives the right not to take your advice. It’s hard to understand from the outside, but the fruitless correspondence on the topic “why we don’t need it now” takes away the last strength that we don’t already have.
7. Only Offer Help You Definitely Will. Last time it happened, we didn’t have a car. And four people wrote that they could help with it if necessary. And when it was necessary, three of them could not. It was very unpleasant. Asking is hard. Is always. And then I had to ask four people in a row.
If you promised to help with the car, but at the right time you can’t help in any way, just make sure that the car is there.
8. Don’t offer “any help.” Suggest specific. In some cases, you need a lot of help and different, but no one will ask you for anything with your “any help”. All because of the same: it is difficult to ask, everyone tries to cope on their own.
In fact, there is no such obligation – by all means to help, everyone lives their own life, and this is normal
No one will call you with a request to cook dinner or do homework with the children. Think about what you are really ready and able to do. Walking the dog on Thursdays? Water the neighbor’s garden beds? Do some of the work? This is what you propose.
9. About money. It is very difficult to receive money. Yes, of course, sometimes money is collected for surgery, treatment, and so on, but I’m not talking about this case. Ask: “Do you need money?” – and you are guaranteed to answer “no”. It’s like with “any help”, consider that you did not offer.
If you really want to help someone with money, don’t ask if they need it. Say: “We raised money. How to transfer them? Or just bring and give.
10. Don’t pump up. Do not say “horror”, “nightmare”, “why do you need such a punishment”, “she is so young”, “he was just going to” … Do not hit the patient. From repeatedly repeated “horror” everything seems even more terrible.
Some people begin to tell in detail exactly how upset they are, others begin to cry into the phone, and they have to be consoled … Perhaps these people think that they are helping in this way: their loved ones will feel that they are not alone, that others are experiencing too.
But the harsh truth of life is that after the conversation, these – in fact, genuinely worried – people will go to work, or to a cafe, or to the airport, or to the theater. And loved ones will remain in the never-ending nightmare of a broken life. Do not increase the feeling of a nightmare by talking.
11. Do not use someone else’s misfortune to fulfill their messianic inclinations. This cumbersome euphemism is used here to replace the extremely rude expression “shove it up your ass.”
But honestly, when a person is in intensive care, and they call you urgently demanding to tell the exact time and place of his birth in order to make a horoscope. Or they want to pass on a XNUMX% working Indian amulet, so that you secretly pass it through a window (on the third floor) to the patient at night. Or at least they simply inform you that you must immediately go to the Tula region to the miraculous icon (and I listened to all this last time), it is very difficult to stay within the framework of the literary language.
The most necessary and effective are simple words of support and sympathy. If you have them
12. Telling how you should have behaved so that misfortune did not happen is also not worth it. It has already happened. Say that you sympathize, and demonstrate your intelligence and foresight in other situations.
13. Forget the phrase “Everything will be fine.” Who are you to guarantee a happy outcome in a situation where things can get really bad? God? Then, it’s OK. Thank God. But if you are not him, this advertising slogan will immediately show that you are somewhere very far from sympathy and understanding.
14. Leave the kids alone. Even if you stubbornly do everything that I asked you to refrain from, still, please do not do one thing: do not touch the children. Do not call the children, do not try to get some information from them. Children are terribly worried about their loved ones.
They usually have not experienced grief before. They do not know what to do with him, how to behave. Do not ask them anything, even if you meet them by chance. Keep quiet. Hug and give sweet. I will never forget how our son’s teacher asked him in front of the whole class: “Petya, does dad have a stroke? And how is he?” And dad is in intensive care, and it is not clear whether he will survive.
15. You don’t have to help. It seems to me that many difficulties arise due to the fact that people feel obliged to help in grief, they believe that it would be right to do so, but in fact they have neither the strength nor the opportunity to do so. They get angry with themselves and do all sorts of strange things because of it.
In fact, there is no such obligation – by all means to help, everyone lives their own lives, and this is normal. You don’t have to do anything hard. The most necessary and effective are simple words of support and sympathy. If you have them. If they are not there, do not force them out – no and no, this is also normal.