Contents
- 1. Focus on your condition
- 2. Show that you hear the person
- 3. Do not transfer other people’s experiences to personal experience
- 4. Be aware of the position of vulnerability
- 5. Take it easy and think about your own feelings.
- 6. Take breaks and don’t be afraid to end the conversation.
- 7. Connect with your feelings and needs
- 8. Do breathing practices
- 9. Reduce the intensity of the conversation
- Three books about communication:
We feel anxious and scared — this is normal. We often manage to get through this. But what about the emotions of other people, because we cannot control them? How to keep calm in a dialogue? Follow the guidelines below.
It is known that anxiety as an emotion arises from a potential threat. This distinguishes it from the fear that a real threat generates. We interpret these dangers differently, which is why it turns out that some people live anxious times, while others live terrible ones. In both cases, these are natural reactions that should not be drowned out either in oneself or in the environment — they should be lived and let go.
The risk of large flows of emotions, repeated from day to day, is that the psyche either adapts to them, or does not have time to do so, which causes an emotional collapse.
Remember how in one of the childhood cartoons the hero wanted a result without work. “And so it will fry …,” he said, overfilling the stove with badly chopped firewood and sticky dough. Of course, the pies did not turn out and the stove almost exploded. So it is with the experience of the emotions of others — their influence on us has a limit. In order to prevent such a “leakage” or rupture of the psyche, “an oxygen mask must be put on first on yourself».
1. Focus on your condition
The first and most important rule is to monitor your condition. Before you help someone, enter into a dialogue or show empathy, ask yourself — do I have the resource for this? If not, be honest about it and explain that you need a break in communication.
2. Show that you hear the person
When we understand that we want to support a person, the easiest and safest way is to retell the words of the interlocutor. The same method will help to cope with the emotional pain of others. Retell what you heard in a calm voice. When the interlocutor understands that he has been heard, it is much easier for him to calm down.
3. Do not transfer other people’s experiences to personal experience
If pain, anxiety, fear, or another highly charged emotion is shared with you, then a repulsive and even provocative strategy is to talk about personal experience. No one wants to hear in response to a traumatic story: «I once had this, only it hurt more.» Instructions — hold on, do not become limp — will not help either. Just say: «I hear and understand that you are in pain right now.»
4. Be aware of the position of vulnerability
American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in his book The Language of Life. Nonviolent Communication» writes that the true cause of any kind of violence is «a way of thinking that looks for the cause of the conflict in the wrongness of the opponent. From this comes the inability to perceive oneself or others in terms of vulnerability.”
Imagine that the grandson calls his grandmother and tells that he was hired to work as a broker. She flatly refuses to believe, swears that he invented everything. This is what the denial process looks like. The psyche denies not the event itself, but the interpretation of what was heard. Grandma may believe that brokers are only thieves and swindlers. Worried about her grandson, she deceives her mind. Arguing over the truth can cause a destructive reaction that her body can’t physically handle.
5. Take it easy and think about your own feelings.
When you understand that the position of the interlocutor is subject to the psychological tricks of denial, it is better to tell how you are doing, calm down and mentally hug. And be sure to support yourself and ask: if this person accepted my position, what would it give me? For example, peace and understanding. Think about how else you can achieve this state without involving the interlocutor.
6. Take breaks and don’t be afraid to end the conversation.
Remember: if you are communicating with a person who denies your position, before moving on to words and actions, take a break. Then ask yourself the question: what does this person get by denying your position? What personal need does it satisfy?
It’s okay if you can’t accept his need. It is better to temporarily stop communication. In any scenario, do not forget to focus on internal forces: when they are few, tell the person that you accept his need, and take a break.
7. Connect with your feelings and needs
If you take a break in a conversation, but you are offended by the words of the interlocutor, there is a desire to speak out. Carefully to yourself, this can be done by connecting with feelings and needs. Instead of thoughts and words about another person, say, for example, about resentment.
Try to formulate what need you are deprived of at this moment. “I feel resentment because I am deprived of understanding and support.” When speaking, it is easier to let go of the situation.
8. Do breathing practices
When emotions take over and there is no way to think about what happened, turn to breathing. Inhale for four counts, hold for seven, and slowly exhale for eight or more counts. Repeat the cycle four to six times. This helps the body to calm down and signals to the psyche that we are safe.
9. Reduce the intensity of the conversation
Physical space and position are important when interacting with others. If you feel that the wave of emotions of another person has begun to crush, move and move away from the “attack line”. If you were sitting at a table, and a person loomed over him and cursed, calmly get up and go around him. Even if you are talking on the phone, change position anyway. Don’t just cross your legs or switch your phone to the other hand, but sit down or move to the other side of the room.
You can also put your hand on your heart and try to feel the beat. At the same time, start breathing a little deeper. This is a technique by Somatic Therapist Peter Levine for showing self-compassion. It can also be done at the moment of a conversation — it grounds, allows you to feel support and security.
To sum up all the tips for dealing with the emotions of others can be the words of the Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl: “Will you let me tell you the secret of surviving in this world? When you warm the hearts of others, then you will also be warmed. When you support, strengthen and inspire others, then you will receive support, strengthening and inspiration in your life.