How to win a child’s love

In my long and messy life, including three marriages and two divorces, I have had to deal with many children — even more with strangers than with my own. Now that all these children have grown up, I would like to share some observations.

It seems to me that love (as, indeed, hate) of a child is very easy to achieve. No matter how insulting it sounds, the principles here are about the same as when raising puppies. Experiments show that puppies who are only punished hate their owners. Most of all, puppies love those who punish them and encourage them.

It’s easy with hate. Coldness and cruelty will immediately lead to the expected result, which is vividly shown in Bergman’s film Fanny and Alexander. With love it’s harder. For a child to love us, three things are needed: attention, generosity and firmness.

Attention is an interest in the world of the child, a willingness to look at things through his eyes, respect for his hobbies.

Generosity is when we are ready to overcome fatigue and headache after a hard day and sit down to play with the child in his favorite game.

Firmness is a strict adherence to the rules that we have established.

Children love rules because they help them navigate the world. Violation of the rules destroys the picture of the world and brings chaos into the mind of the child.

For example, we said something like: “We bought your favorite treat, but you will only get it if you fulfill such and such a condition.” The condition is not met, we say: «It’s too bad that you didn’t meet my condition, but I’ll give you your treat anyway, because I love you.»

Perhaps by this act we expect to win the favor of the child, roughly speaking, to “buy” his love, but we achieve the exact opposite: we undermine his trust in our words and cease to be an authority for him. And love without respect won’t last long.

Imagine that you have won the love of a child — does this mean that you can relax? No, because children grow fast, change and need a new form of attention at every stage. It is especially difficult to keep their love at a critical age.

If this is not your own child, the difficulties increase. Some attribute this to the «voice of blood.» I think it’s something else. In adolescence, you want to question everything, so it’s easy to imagine a child’s train of thought: “My stepfather (stepmother) seems to love me, but maybe this is just a pretense?”

The recipe remains the same, but much more attention, generosity and firmness will be required at this age.

Practical advice

Attention, generosity and firmness are important components of interaction with a child, and in order for the connection to be strong, and the relationship to be loving, one cannot do without interest and trust.

“In games, adhere not to discipline and order, but to safety for the child”

Arina Lipkina, psychologist:

When interacting with children, it is important not to physically distance yourself. Sit or lie down on the carpet to be at the same level with the child. Learn to relax, leave adult worries and worries for a while: children are very sensitive to the state of their parents.

1. Let children run, jump, throw things in the play space, experiment.
2. In games, adhere not to discipline and order, but to safety for the child. If safety rules are followed, allow the child to be a dreamer and fool around yourself.
3. Listen to the child, look into his eyes. Children, like adults, need to feel appreciated and heard. Children’s interests, games and activities may seem primitive, insignificant, but for the child himself this is incredibly important. Take your child’s activities and conversations seriously.
4. Be patient. The child is not like you. He can ask the same question a hundred times, rush from one game to another, switch quickly, be sloppy, get himself dirty and dirty you, accidentally hit. Do not get irritated, do not get angry, accustom yourself to patient reactions to mischief and pranks.
5. Do not forget to praise the child even for the most insignificant things, small achievements and successes.

If you have to win the love of a teenager, you need to take into account his characteristics in communication. If your teen is reticent, invite them to go to the movies, to the skating rink, or to any activity that interests them. This will become an important experience of sharing pleasure and will provide new opportunities to talk.

If a teenager responds to an attempt to communicate, ask him questions about him and his life, plans, worries, offer help: take him somewhere, find information, resolve the conflict. Take any problems seriously. If the child does not make contact, do not insist, gently try again later.