How to unload children’s time

When 5-year-old Katya lost her first milk tooth, she burst into tears. Her parents tried to calm her down: “This is great! So, you will become an adult very soon. “I don’t want to be an adult,” the girl sobbed. “I don’t want to work until night like you!”

And 13-year-old Anton was brought to an appointment with a psychologist by his father. “My son left everything: he studied music and karate, played chess well,” said his father, “and then he suddenly announced that he didn’t want to do anything else and would lie on the couch for a year.”

9-year-old twins Nastya and Nikita (school, English, Spanish, dancing, swimming and drama school) on Sundays do not let their parents pass: “Mom, we are bored. Mom, tell me, what can we do?

Katya, Anton and Nastya with Nikita turned out to be hostages of the adult value system: wanting to give their children as much as possible, the parents planned their time so carefully that they did not leave them a second for their own desires, and therefore for games and dreams.

Feel the passage of time

Playing and dreaming, the child learns the world. But besides this, in the game he learns to feel the time, and without this feeling, any schedule will forever remain an empty formality for him.

“Perhaps, just walking in the park with a stroller, I suddenly really felt how time was passing,” admits Katya, mother of a two-year-old daughter. — I want Anyuta to see how winter is replaced by spring, how trees and grasses live, so we try to walk with her more. And in the nursery, on the windowsill, we made a small garden and watch how parsley and dill grow.

Children who grew up in the countryside know more about time than city children. Time is clear for them: that’s how much it takes for the sown onions to germinate, and so much for the tomatoes and apples to ripen.

“Of course, modern farmers do not even think of giving their children lengthy lectures on the timing of field work. Our peasant ancestors did not do this either. The thing is different: children living in rural areas are constantly involved in a certain rhythm, due to nature itself, and therefore it is much easier for them to feel the passage of time. And urban parents have to teach this to children on purpose,” explains psychophysiologist Dmitry Kolesov.

He advises to start with a simple one: when mom is going to leave, she can show on the clock where the arrows will be by the time she returns. But in order for the child to learn to look to the future with optimism, she should certainly keep her promise and return at the appointed time.

It is necessary to acquaint children not only with minutes and seconds, therefore the teacher Konstantin Doubtful recommends having a calendar on which the day, month and year must be set manually. At first, parents change the dates, but by about four years old, children begin to be interested in the calendar and get used to doing it on their own — this is how time becomes real for them. “Tomorrow” is no longer just an abstract word, but a very concrete, almost tangible thing associated with a new number on the home calendar.

Realize what’s going on

«Why do I do what I do?» — the answer to this question is important for a person of any age. Without being aware of what and for what purpose time is spent, we will hardly be able to withstand the busy schedule in which almost all of us live.

Many are familiar with the scene: early in the morning, a mother is trying to finish housework at the same time, drink a cup of tea — perhaps the first and last of the day — and help her son or daughter get ready for kindergarten or school. In this situation, from the phrases “Come on faster! Don’t dig!» hard to keep up.

But the child is even more difficult: he does not understand the meaning of what is happening. Why is he in such a hurry? Why can’t you see the pictures in the book? Why is mom angry? A vicious circle is formed: the baby begins to get nervous, the pace of fees finally drops, and the mother is even more annoyed.

“Each process can be divided into three stages,” explains psychotherapist Natalia Kedrova. “First, we orient ourselves in the situation, then we begin to move towards the goal, and finally we analyze and assimilate the experience gained. In relations with a child, the problem most often is that an adult often “skips” the first stage: he has already oriented himself and began to act, and now he is pushing the child, forgetting that he is one step behind him.

All of us, and especially children, do not like to perform actions, the meaning of which we do not understand. For a child forced to constantly obey the unreasonable demands of adults, time — incomprehensible and almost always hostile — becomes a source of constant anxiety. And the easiest way to get rid of it is to mechanically execute the commands of the elders, trying to delve into their essence as little as possible.

“A child who is rushed all the time and has little explanation for the reasons for the rush gets used to obeying circumstances and does not even try to plan his future: anyway, it does not depend on him,” continues Natalya Kedrova. “There is a risk that, having matured, such a child will hardly be able to make independent decisions.”

Help but don’t criticize

We want children to do a lot — for their own good, of course. In this way, we prepare them for the fierce competition and extreme workload that they will face in adulthood. Children, on the other hand, seem to deliberately slow down in the simplest matters: they go for a walk for hours, endlessly sit at their lessons … What is this — the result of children’s disorganization?

Psychophysiologist Tatyana Tsekhmistrenko explains: “Children acquire the ability to independently plan time not earlier than nine years old — only by this moment do they begin to mature the brain areas responsible for volitional regulation of activity. And before that, it is really difficult for them to keep in mind what and in what order they should do. Many people still need help even at the age of 12.”

Son forgot to feed the cat again? Get a cork or magnetic bulletin board at home, write a to-do list together. Let him remember his duties by looking at the blackboard, not after being shamed again.

Communicate to know

It is very important for a child to feel that parents are involved in his life and treat his opinion with respect and interest. That is why the language of unconditional directives is not suitable for communicating with a child: a parent who speaks in continuous imperatives and avoids dialogue runs the risk of not being heard.

“Requiring communication from parents, children unconsciously take care of their development,” Tatyana Tsekhmistrenko is sure. “The child needs this continuous dialogue in order to build a harmonious relationship with reality, including with time.”

Children feel the need for communication especially when they enter adolescence. And this increased need for contact can create additional problems. Parents of teenagers often complain: “He wanders around doing nothing, nothing interests him. He’s wasting his time.» What is happening at this moment?

“Contrary to popular belief, boredom does not come from idleness. It appears when none of the possible activities satisfies the main human need at the moment, explains Tatyana Tsekhmistrenko. The basic need of a teenager is communication. And there comes a moment when the things he loves no longer please him — simply because he now wants to have “idle chatter” with his peers much more.

Moreover, if parents find at least twenty minutes a day to talk with a teenage child, he will respond with gratitude. His time will be filled with meaning, and, perhaps, not only his old hobbies will return to him, but new ones will also appear.

Give yourself permission to do nothing

It is impossible to use your time effectively if you neglect the natural pauses provided by nature: an inhalation is followed by an exhalation, after a storm comes calm. But the excess of free time in a child seems dangerous to many parents: «If he (she) hangs around idle, problems will begin.»

Fearing «extra» freedom, we force children to live in a strict regime, where there is no room for free breathing. “If a child’s life is scheduled by the minute, he doesn’t even have half an hour a day for an internal dialogue with himself,” says Dmitry Kolesov. “And it is in it that a person’s personality develops: he learns to realize his desires, finds out his priorities, builds a system of values.”

Konstantin Doubtful adds: “Of course, we are all pretty rigidly built into the schedule, this is our reality, and it cannot be canceled. But the schedule is still not a dogma, but only a canvas for drawing life. Sometimes taking a leisurely walk in the park is much more important in terms of soul development than a kung fu class or even a music lesson.”

We do not want children’s lives to turn into an endless race with obstacles. Therefore, it is so important to teach them to enjoy respite and feel inner freedom.

Try to be a little flexible: let them sometimes skip school or class. Children, like ourselves, need time to contemplate and communicate, not only with their parents and friends, but also with themselves.