In an effort to follow a variety of recipes, wanting to do the right thing, many parents today … very doubt themselves. Anne-Catherine Pernod-Masson, a psychotherapist, suggests that we undergo a “check-up” on our parenting qualities. Her advice and tasks will help you find your own solutions.
Interview with Anne-Catherine Pernot-Masson
Ann-Catherine Pernod-Masson (Anne-Catherine Pernot-Masson) is the author of Understanding What Kind of Parents You Are (Faire son bilan de parent, Payot, 2007).
Psychologies: Are parents actively engaged in education today?
Ann-Catherine Pernod-Masson: Parents have never been more involved in the upbringing of their children than they are now. But the trouble is that they literally drown in the recommendations of teachers and psychologists, often contradicting each other. As a result, it is difficult for them to choose a firm and consistent line of behavior. Not to mention the fact that they find themselves face to face with an almost overwhelming task: to take place as a couple, live a harmonious family life and ensure the happiness of their children. As a result, adults and children live in constant tension. And vulgar psychology, which can be found in many books and mass magazines, with its normativity does not make their task any easier. Because the recipes parents try to apply don’t necessarily match their vision and their goals, these “solutions” don’t work for long.
How do you know who you are as a parent?
Asking yourself questions! Only in this way can you determine your own values, understand your expectations, identify those areas in which you experience difficulties. For example, I ask parents, “Are the children listening to you in the way you want them to, do they respond to your request within a reasonable amount of time and in accordance with what can be expected at their age?” Thus, I invite them to reflect on the gulf that separates parental desires from reality, and at the same time evaluate the reality or unreality of their expectations. Whether it’s about authority, intimate matters, parenting interactions, teenage crisis, it’s always good to remember what’s most important. For example, that the point of using parental authority is not to punish, but to enforce the rules and remind them of prohibitions. Then I offer a variety of topics for reflection and talk about different parenting styles (including those that were found by the parents themselves), their advantages and disadvantages. Thanks to this, parents can develop solutions that are more consistent, suitable for them, ones that can be adhered to for a long time.
How often do you need to evaluate your parental “professionalism”, sum up?
This must be done when you feel such a need, when there is a feeling that something has gone wrong in the family organism. Alone or together with your husband (wife) you will understand, it depends on how the relationship is arranged in your couple. It is at this moment that the question most often arises of which “team of educators” turned out (or did not turn out) from the parent couple.
What most often makes families with children turn to a psychologist for advice?
Basically, parents come to consult on how to maintain their authority. This problem is faced every day not only by mothers, fathers, grandmothers, but also by teachers: even in the preparatory class, about a quarter of the students do not obey! The reasons are many, deep and complex. But I have noticed that in many families where obedience is a problem, there is an excessive (and almost exclusive) use of verbal cues. These adults have clearly learned the thesis of psychologists that “you need to talk with a child.” They spend hours explaining to their three-year-old why they should brush their teeth! And when I advise them to set some boundaries, they turn to the child and say: “Well, did you hear what the doctor said?”
Are the roles of adults always clearly defined today?
“Summarize the“ parental result ”when there is a feeling that something has gone wrong in the family body.”
The distribution of roles in the family often causes conflicts between parents. Previously, each had its own area of responsibility: the father determined the general principles of education, and the mother carried out day-to-day management; if something went wrong, the father took the reins of government into his own hands. Today, the powers of mother and father in the upbringing of children are the same. As a result, there are more conflicts, because everyone reproaches the other for inefficiency: too strict, too soft, too patronizing, too distant … Such disagreements give children the opportunity to be self-willed, and this causes them anxiety, which, in turn, gives rise to new difficulties. One possible way to solve this problem is to alternate in the role of the main educator: the mother and father take turns “leading” the children for a week (or longer). In incomplete families, the problem is just the opposite: all educational functions are concentrated in the hands of a single parent, and he must perform them daily. It’s very hard. I advise you to never try to compensate for the absence of a second parent; it is better to act in accordance with your abilities and personal convictions. In families where children are raised by a stepfather or stepmother, the most common problem is inconsistency: father, mother, grandparents on each side – everyone is trying to raise children who are at their best. Meanwhile, both children and adults should be given the opportunity to go through the period of “mourning” the former family and former life.
What would you say to those who doubt their parenting competence?
Show yourself as you are, live in accordance with the values uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthat are dear to you, and if your actions, your upbringing system lead to a crisis and pain, do not forget that you can always change it, correct it. The most important thing we can pass on to our children is the ability to get through trials and tribulations, what I call the ability to heal ourselves. “How long do you need to protect your child for his own good?” This is the main question of education today. And each parent will have to answer it with the necessary flexibility and trust in themselves.