How to understand that you really forgave treason

Many of those who are faced with a betrayal of a partner see for themselves only two ways to resolve the situation – “heads or tails”: forgive or leave. In fact, in this matter, everything is not so clear.

Forgiveness: What Can Go Wrong?

It often happens that we love a person, but we cannot forgive his act. After all, you can not erase a piece of memory – this happens only in films. And you shouldn’t betray your values: if there is loyalty among them, and it was in this place that you were “hit”, then pain is inevitable. This pain declares: “This is impossible, this should not have happened to me!”

Forgiveness is always a process. Sometimes the initiator of the betrayal wants to be instantly forgiven – once and for all, in one fell swoop. But that doesn’t happen. If a betrayal of a partner is a shock for a person, then he will experience it for many months. It will take a lot of time to comprehend and accept the fact itself, and then a little more to survive it – in case the couple decided to stay together.

If, after the betrayal of one of the partners, the two decided to keep the union, they will have to integrate what happened into the relationship, make it part of the couple’s common history. It will not work to pretend that there was no betrayal if the wound hurts. Therefore, partners should discuss two points: why this happened and how to make sure that the betrayal does not happen again. If the couple managed to reach this point, then they are ready to trust each other again.

In the case when one of the partners decides to leave, forgiveness, oddly enough, is needed even more. At the same time, “forgiving” does not mean stopping being angry or allowing another to do this to you again. To forgive is to say to yourself: “I allow myself to no longer be angry with you, not to be offended, I regain peace of mind, because your betrayal is your difficulty.”

Understand yourself: did you forgive or pretended to forgive?

Our reactions to similar events that happen to other people can serve as a guideline for answering this question. I have met women who thought they had forgiven their husbands long ago, but when their girlfriends found themselves in similar situations, they too were hurt – as if their own old experience came to life.

If you tend to think about cheating all the time, if fears often appear that every delay at work or every unanswered call speaks of a partner’s infidelity, then resentment still exists. If this continues for more than a year and a half and feels quite bright, this is a reason to turn to a psychologist. Especially if on this basis you have mood swings, insomnia, lethargy.

Also in such a situation, I would recommend betting not on “forgive”, but on “take care of yourself”: while we are looking for reasons, motives and excuses for a loved one, we ignore our pain, because our partner is the focus of our attention. I suggest putting yourself first.

Acceptance of the situation and a clear view of it largely depend on our internal resource. Love requires strength, and stress deprives us of them. If we ourselves are in an emotional minus, then one more effort – forgiveness – will be unbearable for us. You must first bring yourself to a positive balance. You can start this path with the question: “What can I offer to myself / myself to increase strength and find peace?”