Contents
- 1. Low self-esteem, chronic anxiety or depression
- 2. Lack of intimacy and affection
- 3. Accumulated irritation
- 4. No one listens, no one is heard
- 5. Replacing a partner with others
- 6. The Inescapable Horsemen of Divorce
- 7. Fantasies about life without a spouse
- 8. Emotional or physical infidelity
- 9. Forking paths
- 10. Secrets and silence
Most couples notice too late that their marriage has cracked. Family counselors and a life coach tell you what signs and warning signs to look out for while you can still fix it.
Emotional assessments are extremely subjective. For one, a happy marriage is the one that gives a sense of stability, the other is happy as long as marriage does not restrict freedom, but supports and gives energy.
However, couples counselors Helen and Jerry Duberstein have spoken to enough couples at times of crisis to try to deduce a pattern. Here are a few signs of an unhappy marriage that experts suggest testing yourself for.
1. Low self-esteem, chronic anxiety or depression
People in unhappy relationships are more prone to negative emotional states. Among them there is a high level of neurosis and mental illness, which, in turn, aggravate the feeling of dissatisfaction with the family situation.
2. Lack of intimacy and affection
Physical intimacy sets romantic relationships apart from all others. If we no longer have sex, or if one of us feels rejected in an intimate way, there are probably deeper problems in the couple. Sexual relationships often reflect the quality of the emotional connection and the level of satisfaction with marriage, Helen and Jerry Duberstein are sure.
3. Accumulated irritation
Those little “weirdnesses,” personality traits, habits that once seemed endearing (or at least tolerable) now evoke negative emotional responses—for example, annoyance or even disgust.
4. No one listens, no one is heard
“Listening” is the most powerful way to show love. When a partner listens to us, we feel that we are important, that we are appreciated. Although listening is not for everyone, this skill can be developed.
First of all, you need to be fully present, which means you need to eliminate all distractions.
It is important not only to be as attentive as possible and try to understand the interlocutor, but also to control facial expressions, emotions, body. We seem to fade into the background and at the same time try to take the place of the speaker. When a person gives empathy and compassion to another, the chances of meaningful communication are greatly increased.
5. Replacing a partner with others
Instead of coping with problems in a relationship with a spouse, many prefer to turn to friends. They help to distract and avoid conflicts with a partner.
6. The Inescapable Horsemen of Divorce
Helen and Jerry Duberstein include criticism and blame, defensiveness and refusal to take responsibility, contempt and sarcasm, emotional disconnection and sabotage.
7. Fantasies about life without a spouse
Imagining a happy life without a partner, we renounce him and the problems associated with him. Such a mental escape robs us of the energy we need to develop or “fix” a marriage.
8. Emotional or physical infidelity
The Internet blurs the boundaries of the concept of «treason». If earlier this was understood as a very specific action, now you can change it, as if doing nothing, without going anywhere. In fact, cheating can take place in the presence of the other spouse at a common dinner table, when one of you is flirting with someone on the phone. But both physical and virtual infidelity equally clearly speak of problems in the relationship of the spouses.
9. Forking paths
If my partner and I have different worldviews, values, dreams, and goals, then the life we envisioned on our wedding day may no longer feel like a «happily ever after.»
If we don’t talk about our hopes, dreams, and fears, and don’t try to work through the differences that arise, our trajectories can quickly turn into rapidly diverging lifelines.
10. Secrets and silence
If the listed nine signs lie on the surface and you can detect them, even being a direct participant in the relationship, then those that life coach Mitzi Bokman talks about are far from being so obvious. She describes situations that many perceive as normal marital behavior, but are actually symptoms of a toxic marriage.
“I kept a lot of secrets from my husband,” she recalls. “I didn’t talk to him about how I felt for him. I did not vaccinate our son until he was five years old and did not tell my husband about it. Hadn’t paid her bills in months, but pretended to be surprised when the phone was turned off. She secretly hated the short-sleeve shirts that her husband wore to the office in the summer. I discussed all this with friends, but not with him. They supported me and, in a sense, replaced my spouse.
Bokman’s secrets weren’t real secrets, but she hid a lot of little things to avoid scandals and protect herself.
“Now I know that secrets can kill a marriage,” she admits. — If two people who decide to build a life together cannot share little things with each other, then their marriage is most likely doomed. Even if they think they are lying to protect their partner, they are actually betraying them with their silence.”
So, if you are not sharing with your partner what you think might upset him, you most likely have cause for concern. The life coach considers “silence” to be another reason to think: “Silence means a lack of communication and that resentments are held and remain unspoken.”
When life goes on knurled, and partners have long been accustomed to each other, it can be difficult to notice changes in relationships. We often catch on only when our life together turns into a round-the-clock drama. But, as with any ailment, early diagnosis (and clarification of the essence of conflicts) can be the key to successful “treatment”.