How to understand that you are traumatized in a relationship with your mother

In psychotherapy, maternal trauma refers to the emotional trauma experienced in the relationship with the mother. This is the impact of some intense adverse factors on the child’s psyche. Stress he couldn’t deal with.

How do you know if you have maternal trauma and how it affects your adult life? Irina Parfenova, Gestalt therapist, specialist in crisis and trauma, says:

“Of course, not all adverse events lead to injury – children have a flexible psyche, they can withstand many difficulties. For example, some manage to survive abuse, the mother’s mental illness, or her alcoholism. In this case, they will not have trauma, but they will probably form an unhealthy image of themselves and how relationships are built.

A child experiences trauma if they experience:

• unbearable pain – physical violence, punishment;
• fear – something threatens his health or the health of loved ones;
• a strong emotional experience – there may be a divorce of parents, and the death of a pet, and even a move.

The event that triggers the trauma is often repressed from memory, leaving only its aftermath. Therefore, an adult can suddenly experience an unreasonable, in his opinion, fear. Or feel a categorical rejection of something. This is the result of childhood trauma.

What can cause maternal trauma?

Bethany Webster, author of Finding the Mother Within, talks about patterns of relationship with a child that can trigger trauma:

• The mother uses the child as a way to calm down, directing a stream of her unprocessed emotions onto him.
• The mother is satisfied only when the child thinks or feels like her and does not contradict her position. If the child shows independence, the mother rejects him.
• The mother uses the child as a narcissistic extension, that is, she diverts all the attention addressed to him to herself.
• The mother is overly demanding of the child. And he spends too much energy worrying about his mother or trying to solve her problems.
• The mother controls the life of the child too much.
• The mother is afraid of being branded as a bad mother, therefore she denies his “uncomfortable” emotions – what if they are taken as a sign of her parental failure?

Symptoms of maternal trauma

Reactions disproportionate to events

You overreact to any minor event – for example, if a partner was late at work and did not warn about it.

You become physically ill, in addition, you experience severe anxiety and can not do anything. A nervous breakdown and tantrums are possible, which are difficult to stop. You cannot calm down, even when the situation is resolved safely – nightmares and fears interfere.

Behind this reaction is often an experience of abandonment or rejection if the mother had to leave the child at an early age or if she often threatened him with separation. For a baby, the fear of losing his mother is like death, because his life depends on it.

Lack of relationship

You voluntarily leave relationships or prefer fleeting connections, caring only for “safe” needs – those that will not stir up trauma from the outside.

At the same time, you realize that you are not satisfying your need for intimacy. You may even be trying to take certain steps to create a close relationship, like going on dates, but unconsciously resist it.

Behind this behavior is often emotional, physical or sexual abuse – you experience a constant sense of threat, and the body tries to protect itself.

Apathy and chronic fatigue

As well as forgetfulness, confusion and inattention… Due to trauma, a person lives in constant tension: his energy is spent on experiencing background fear and anxiety, and not on doing any business.

Dependence

Addiction to alcohol, drugs or drugs is easy to explain – these substances allow you to forget, muffle the pain and stabilize your condition.

What is hidden behind this: the mother was too cold, controlling and emotionally unavailable. The child is used to living in tension all the time and is afraid to relax, because he thinks it is dangerous. But rest is necessary for everyone, so already an adult finds his own way of relaxation.

Psychosomatic diseases

Headaches, neck and back pain, asthma, indigestion, spastic colitis, and severe premenstrual syndrome are, of course, not always associated with traumatic experiences. But if there are no objective reasons for these diseases, then the whole point is stress – painful energy uses every available aspect of our physiology.

Feelings of separation, alienation and isolation

Refusing our experiences, “turning off” them, we cease to understand our needs and desires. This means that we experience dissatisfaction with life and feel unhappy.

What leads to this behaviour? Unbearable feelings that a person could not survive. He begins to be afraid of any emotions and tries to “turn off” negative feelings, but positive ones are blocked along with them. As a result, he is left alone with a feeling of emptiness.

How does maternal trauma manifest itself?

• You do not show yourself – your character, your thoughts and feelings – completely, because you hide something that, in your opinion, may alienate others.
• You are very tolerant of mistreatment.
• You are characterized by self-sabotage, as well as excessive rigidity towards yourself and others.
• You may have an eating disorder, depression or addiction.