Sooner or later it happens to almost everyone. When we communicate with someone, we feel that we are losing ourselves. It becomes difficult for us to sincerely share our thoughts. And it’s not just about marriage — it can be relationships with colleagues, family, friends. This feeling may occur only occasionally, but it can also become our constant companion. It can be weak or absorb us entirely, and then it really seems to us that we have «lost ourselves.» Coach Dan Newby talks about how to get out of this state.
Have you ever believed that you are less important than your partner? Have you allowed yourself to be treated inappropriately? Have you begun to doubt your own worth?
Of the entire range of our experiences, one is directly related to a sense of self-worth — self-esteem. “A person with self-esteem values themselves, and vice versa: one feeling feeds another,” explains Dan Newby, coach and author of The Unopened Gift: A Primer to Emotional Literacy. “You know that you are important and have something to offer others.”
Since you are no less important than those around you, then you have every right to independently manage your life. Self-esteem will allow you to stand up for your rights, defend your beliefs, and set personal boundaries.
Sounds great, but you may not yet understand exactly how to do it. The task is not easy, but it is in your power to radically change your view of yourself and the world around you. “It will take hard work on yourself and the support of loved ones,” says Dan Newby. “That’s one of the reasons why strong social ties are so important. Without them, we often feel lost.”
In order for changes to occur faster and more reliably, it is important to simultaneously work on yourself at the level of the body, language and emotions.
Respecting ourselves, we feel peace and inner strength. The reaction of others also changes — they begin to listen to us more often
What happens at the language level when we «lose ourselves»? We begin to say things to ourselves like: “Why can’t I stand up for myself?”, “I don’t understand who I am”, “I don’t know who to trust anymore”. At the bodily level, we begin to slouch. On the emotional level, we feel confusion, anxiety, uncertainty.
Now imagine how a person, full of self-esteem, talks to himself and how he behaves.
You should stand confidently on your feet, without hunching or slouching, straightening your shoulders and lifting your head. It is a bodily expression of dignity and self-respect. Breathe evenly and deeply. Imagine yourself as a king or queen — your posture shows strength, but at the same time you are not tense.
Smile broadly, raise your hands and shout: «I am worthy / worthy of respect and will decide for myself how I live.» Sounds a bit weird, but just try it!
Once you try it, you will feel how your body’s reactions will change. When you stop suppressing your inner state or running away from it, and openly accept it, completely different emotions will arise: fun, joy, and self-esteem.
“Respecting ourselves, we feel peace and inner strength. The reaction of others is also changing — they begin to listen to us more often and take into account our opinion, ”the expert is sure.
Your partner will surely notice the changes taking place in you. It is difficult to predict in advance whether they will please him or alarm him.
As you develop self-esteem, you will begin to feel entitled to resent the violation of your boundaries. Suppose the interlocutor treats you clearly disrespectful. You don’t have to be angry — you can calmly but firmly express your dissatisfaction.
As you gain self-respect and self-esteem, you will begin to better understand yourself, your true beliefs and desires. This will help you make your own decisions and take responsibility for them.
However, you need to be prepared for the fact that the dynamics of your relationship will not remain the same. Your partner will surely notice the changes taking place in you. It is difficult to predict in advance whether they will please him or alarm him.
Self-esteem gives us strength and confidence, but does not guarantee good relationships with others. Perhaps you were quite satisfied with someone as you were before, which means that communication with these people may eventually come to naught.
And always remember: a person who respects and appreciates himself will certainly treat others with respect.
About the Author: Dan Newby is a coach and author of The Unopened Gift: A Beginner’s Guide to Emotional Literacy.