Passion, passion, shared memories – all this helps us to ignore the signs that something is going wrong in a relationship for a long time and quite successfully. Moreover, sometimes we intuitively understand from the very beginning that the union is doomed, but we prefer not to think about it. How to honestly admit to yourself: we did not succeed, is it time to move on?
It hurts, but the fact is that we often overestimate our abilities. We think it’s up to us to keep the relationship going. We think that all is not lost yet. One has only to “try hard”, and the growing hole in the fabric of the common space can be patched up.
Sometimes what’s broken can actually be fixed. But in some situations, you need to notice the beginning of the end in time and retreat for your own good. In what cases should this be done?
1. You don’t feel safe.
It’s not just about physical or psychological abuse. We may be restless and anxious that the partner is not ready to make plans for the future with us.
He can claim that he lives in the moment, or offer to just wait – they say, someday later we will build a real family (we will start living together, have children – there can be a lot of options). And we wait, and then some more and some more.
Feeling calm around someone makes us more confident
When a partner does not make any commitments, we feel insecure and unstable. We do not know if we can rely on him, if he will be there when we need help and support, if he will save in the face of difficulties.
Today, many equate security with boredom and urge to run without looking back from such a partner until we are “mired in a swamp.” But in fact, feeling calm next to someone, we become more confident in ourselves and make bolder decisions, knowing that even if we stumble, we will definitely be picked up.
2. You are not respected
Many people think that disrespect is insults, deceit or betrayal. Everything is so, but often it takes more complex forms. To devalue feelings, to joke unkindly (including in the presence of other people), not to keep promises, to violate personal boundaries, too, means not to respect.
And without respect it is impossible to build long-term relationships, neither friendly nor romantic. After 20 years of research, relationship expert John Gottman came to the conclusion that the only sure sign of an impending divorce is disrespect (of one spouse to the other or both). If you have to defend your right to respect from time to time, then something is going wrong in your relationship.
3. You don’t feel understood and trusted.
Perhaps you are one of those who are especially sensitive to words – ratings, comments, criticism. And, perhaps, you have repeatedly spoken about this to your partner and asked to be gentler, more delicate with you. Nevertheless, he continues to tell you that you have gained weight, that the new haircut doesn’t suit you, the borscht didn’t work out, and you definitely shouldn’t tell jokes in the company, “otherwise you will put yourself in a stupid position, like last time.”
When you get upset, he is surprised and offers not to take everything too personally. And it’s very embarrassing. It’s just as hurtful to know that your partner doesn’t trust you. Even in small things. For example, you say that his favorite product was not in the store, but in his opinion – you just didn’t look good enough.
You deserve the freedom to share your feelings and not be afraid of your partner’s reaction.
It would seem, well, what’s terrible: this is not treason, not humiliation, not assault. But think about it: do you really want to continue to endure this, even if, for example, you have great sex and you have fun together? Maybe you should find someone who will understand you in the main thing, with whom you will be calm, comfortable and safe?
You deserve to be understood and accepted for who you are, the opportunity to freely share your feelings and not be afraid of your partner’s reaction. Confidence in the person nearby, and in the future.