How to understand that we have a bad psychologist?

“For the first time, I felt at peace with this therapist,” says Nadezhda, 49, who recently resumed therapy with a new therapist. – Before, after consultations, I was always alarmed, irritated or, conversely, depressed. Now it looks like I’ve found the one I’m looking for. What a relief!

So, did Nadezhda come across only bad psychologists? Not necessary. Very often, therapy sessions really bring a surge of optimism, especially at first. However, the deterioration after the session does not always mean that we knocked on the wrong door.

«It would be a mistake to focus only on comfort and positive feelings, – Alexander Orlov, a client-centered psychotherapist, is sure. “Working with a psychologist may require overcoming painful, difficult experiences.”

“It is quite possible that the client will feel worse at some point,” confirms Jungian analyst Tatyana Rebeko. “It often happens after the most important, transformative sessions. You can compare it with surgery: after the operation, we are in pain, but she herself brings healing.

“The difference between a good psychotherapist and a bad one is that the first one not only opens the “abscess”, but also knows how to heal the wound,” says Tatyana Rebeko. If there is any criterion, our experts say, it is the feeling that we are understood and accepted, that they are ready to emotionally support us, that we, perhaps unexpectedly for ourselves, tell the psychologist something that we have not told anyone else, in which we do not admitted even to themselves.

There is a kind of “chemistry” in the relationship between the therapist and the patient, it is a kind of “love story”. This means that no one, even the most professional and talented psychologist, can be good for all clients. The one who pulled our friend out of depression may not be right for us.

He’s not included in the conversation

What if the psychologist seems to us too restrained, cold, or, conversely, familiar, for example, immediately switches to “you”? “Here, the important word is “too,” Tatyana Rebeko emphasizes. – It is impossible to talk either when there is a kilometer between us, or when we buried ourselves in each other’s faces.

You need to find the distance at which the sound of the soul travels. And this process of mutual adjustment takes place throughout the therapy. But much in the manner of a psychotherapist depends on which direction he belongs to, Alexander Orlov warns: “A number of schools prefer to work in a detached manner, solely through dissection, analysis of the client’s situation.”

“So it’s not at all necessary for a psychotherapist who does not show empathy to be bad,” Alexander Orlov continues. “It matters whether you match or not.” However, in any case, we have the right to expect from the psychologist that during the session his attention will belong only to us.

Therefore, for example, the situation when he does not turn off the phone, receives calls or answers messages is unacceptable. “This is a violation of ethics, and not only professional ones,” says Orlov. “Of course, a force majeure situation is possible when a psychologist cannot miss an important call, but then it is necessary to discuss this with the client in advance.”

He refuses to talk about himself

Sometimes, under the pretext of maintaining neutrality, psychotherapists refuse to talk about their professional biography, to tell what direction they belong to. Meanwhile, we have the right to know to whom we trust our soul.

On the other hand, flaunting diplomas is not in itself a reason for unconditional trust: you can be a graduate and still not become a good practitioner. But the reluctance to answer personal questions can no longer be interpreted unambiguously.

Much depends on the direction in which the specialist works. “I am not embarrassed by the questions of clients, including personal ones,” says Alexander Orlov. “After all, the client talks to me for hours about himself, and if I refuse to answer a counter question, the situation is unbalanced. Confidence suffers in this case.”

And from the point of view of a Jungian analyst, it is better not to talk about a personal client, this interferes with therapy. Although absolute closeness is also useless: this can create a distance that is unbearable for the client.

“If we have a so-called therapeutic alliance, then there will be nothing wrong if I mention something personal. But in general, if a client asks me a personal question, for example, how old am I, then I will be interested in why he asked about it,” says Tatyana Rebeko. “Most likely, behind this lies the problem that worries him.”

He condemns us

“When I was born, her closest friend helped my mother take care of me,” recalls 47-year-old Galina. I received a lot of love from both sides. When I told the psychologist about this, I heard in response: “How could you entrust the child to someone else?! I can’t imagine my mother doing that!” Ten years have passed, and I vividly remember how I was hurt by these words addressed to people dear to me. In no case can a specialist appeal to his own experience.

“I can neither condemn nor praise the client or his relatives,” comments Tatyana Rebeko. – I’m just a witness, my task, like an echo, is to echo what he says, perhaps a little intensifying, making his emotions more prominent: “Did I hear correctly that you are now experiencing indignation?”

If a psychologist distributes grades, we have the right to doubt his professionalism, Alexander Orlov agrees: “As soon as grades appear, we find ourselves in the territory, relatively speaking, of pedagogy or education, where there are standards of what is good and what is bad. In ordinary life, our communication is overflowing with assessments. But that has nothing to do with psychotherapy.”

He neglects privacy

“My therapist sometimes gave me examples from the lives of his other clients,” recalls 35-year-old Pavel. – On the one hand, it helped me: I understood that someone could successfully cope with the same problems as mine. But then there was always a fear: what if the therapist tells other clients about me too?

There is also a very thin line here: what can and cannot be said about others. “In some cases, we can give an example to show the client: look, this happens not only with you,” Tatyana Rebeko explains. – And sometimes in this way we support ourselves: I already know how, I already coped with it. And then the client also feels more confident.

But there is a strict rule here: there can be no details in the story that point to a specific person. The client’s right to confidentiality is inviolable.

He breaks a taboo

Everyone knows that the transition from therapy to sexual relations is unacceptable. But this is only a particular (although perhaps the most egregious) case of the general rule: it is unacceptable to use the client for one’s own purposes, to transform the therapeutic relationship into any other.

You can’t consult a doctor client about illnesses, you can’t argue with a politician client, you can’t involve a businessman as a business partner … A psychotherapist and a client cannot maintain any kind of relationship outside the office, friendship and friendship between them are excluded.

He can’t finish therapy

45-year-old Evgenia has been visiting a psychotherapist for 7 years. She complains that she doesn’t see much progress. To which he replies: “We are stuck because you did not cope with your grief after the death of your mother.” Sometimes she rebels and wants to work with someone else, but is hesitant to leave. The therapist-client relationship creates addiction: we need it for our well-being.

For the most vulnerable, the psychotherapist has served for many years as a kind of crutch, an “auxiliary “I”. If treatment continues longer than expected, this does not automatically mean that the therapist is bad. But if one day you try to take off on your own wings (even if you need to return to treatment later), and the therapist begins to convince you that this should not be done, then perhaps he needs … no, not the client’s money, as someone might suspect , but in our dependence.

For the client-centered therapist, the question of whether to let go of the client does not arise. “For me, the client is the number one figure in the therapy process,” says Alexander Orlov. “I agree to trust him and will not argue, even if I think that it would be nice for him to still be in contact with a specialist.”

In the Jungian tradition, the approach is different. “There is such a thing as negative transference,” says Tatyana Rebeko. – This is the period when the client begins to attack the therapist: you are doing everything wrong, nothing helps, everything is terrible … Our task is to take these blows upon ourselves.

This time is extremely productive for the client: his self awakens in him, he begins to want something, to insist on something, to object. If at this stage he wants to interrupt therapy, then it is advisable to stop him. In general, in Jungian analysis, the completion of therapy is a process. How many years it lasted, how many months it ends.

Let’s listen to ourselves

Everyone is able to find a psychologist who will benefit us. The first question we need to ask ourselves is, “Do I really want to take this job?” For the psychotherapist’s help to be effective, it is necessary that we are ready to work with him. Because the success of treatment depends on us.

It would be nice to get to know a few experts to find the one that best suits our needs. If we notice that we are not being listened to or understood enough, nothing will stop us from looking for someone else. Do not hesitate to trust your feelings: after all, it is about your well-being.