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Determining who we like is pretty easy – just one look or an abandoned phrase is enough. But how to understand whether our attraction is ordinary sympathy or is it future love? Psychologists suggest paying attention to six important signs that will help determine a deep feeling.
Someone at first sight understands: this is love. And someone needs time to sort out their feelings and the feelings of a partner. Sometimes we confuse love with “traps” – fakes for it. How to distinguish one from the other?
1. You say “we” more than “I”
Observe how often you and your partner use the word1. The desire to say “we” is an indicator that we are on the verge of a strong feeling.
Hidden trap: “If “we” sounds too common and replaces “I” even when it shouldn’t, you may be transferring your fantasies and desires to the other person, identifying the other person with yourself, completely ignoring your differences, and attributing qualities to your partner that he doesn’t,” warns Jungian analyst Lev Khegay.
The willingness to care, to share: time, money, whatever resources you have, is one of the first signs of a real feeling. “Attention and desire to help him in every way or just please him: care, small and big surprises, is an indicator of a future relationship,” says Mana Yamaguchi.
Even the most selfish among us show a willingness to give support or make sacrifices at any moment. You may not like cooking, but you want to bake his favorite cake, you may have a busy schedule, but you will make time to drive her to an important meeting that she has been preparing for a long time. All these signs of attention are a sign of a healthy and happy relationship.2
If the sacrificial attitude is shown only by one of the parties, and the second only accepts, then the altruism inherent in love turns into its extreme – masochism
Hidden trap: The desire to give must be mutual. If the sacrificial attitude is shown only by one of the parties, and the second accepts it to a greater extent, then the altruism inherent in love turns into its extreme – masochism.
3. You can’t get enough of each other
I can’t take my eyes off – that’s what they say about loved ones. The desire to constantly look at the object of our love is indeed an indicator of our feelings. A recent experiment showed that people who are connected not only by physical attraction, but also by a close, spiritual connection are more likely to face each other.3. Those who are not connected by such a deep feeling, as a rule, fix their eyes on the partner’s body.
Hidden trap: In some cases, constant fixation on the partner’s reaction may be a symptom of addiction. “If you need tacit approval of all your words and actions, then trying to guess the thoughts and emotions of a person by facial expressions rather speaks of a dysfunctional relationship,” says clinical psychologist Mylene Balmon (Mylene Bolmont).
4. You are not afraid of addiction
We like to feel in control of our own destiny, and the thought of being emotionally dependent on someone scares a lot of people. However, as soon as we truly fall in love, what Evgeny Schwartz called “an ordinary miracle” happens. Inner fears and suspicions are released, and with all our hearts we want to prolong the feeling of intimacy and special unity.
Hidden trap: It is important that selfishness and fear of losing independence, which often interfere with true rapprochement, do not turn into the opposite – neurotic codependency. Love in this case is associated with healing from mental pain and loneliness, and we are ready to endure any suffering from a partner just because we are afraid of losing the true meaning of life in his face.
5. You often notice your resemblance
It is impossible to predict which couple will live happily ever after, and which will scatter in a month. But still, psychologists note that most often deep harmonious relationships develop among partners who have a lot in common.
If you find it difficult to spend time without a partner, and any separation unsettles you, it may be a neurotic attachment
Hidden trap: The desire to be “twins” in everything is associated with the archetype of the androgyne – a creature that combines the male and female principles. “This archetype can unconsciously “conduct” relationships, pushing us to search for a non-existent second half and gaining integrity in it, says Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. “A huge number of couples break up because of not understanding that this integrity can only be found within oneself, and not through a relationship with another person.”
6. You constantly miss each other
An experiment led by psychologist Helen Fisher4, allows us to talk about love as a biochemical process. In terms of chemical reactions, the state of being in love activates parts of the brain in the same way as drugs, to which we quickly become addicted.
hidden trap: A violation of the attachment mechanism in childhood, when the child did not receive enough love, leads to painful fixation on a partner. If it is difficult for you to spend time on your own, without a loved one and feel full, calm and joyful at the same time, and any separation unsettles you, then we are talking about neurotic attachment. And it is unlikely that anyone can endure such “love” for a long time.
1 J. Pennebaker et.al. «Psychological aspects of natural language use: Our words, our selves,. Annual Review of Psychology, 2003, № 7.
2 M. Yamaguchi et. al. «Commitment signals in friendship and romantic relationships», Evolution and Human Behavior, 2015, № 6.
3 M. Bolmont et al. «Love is in the gaze: An eye-tracking study of love and sexual desire», Psychological Science, 2014, № 6.
4 H. Fisher et al. «Intense, passionate, romantic love: A natural addiction? How the fields that investigate romance and substance abuse can inform each other», Frontiers in Psychology, 2016, № 5.