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Emotional manipulators perfectly mimic ordinary people: there are many of them among our acquaintances, friends and even close relatives. But if some resort to manipulation only occasionally and often unconsciously, then others have mastered a whole science and skillfully achieve from others those actions in which they are interested.
1. You experience constant guilt.
A full-fledged relationship can only be when partners, friends or colleagues communicate on an equal footing. One of the most important meanings of any relationship is precisely to inspire confidence in each other, to support, to help in a difficult situation. However, if after communicating with a person you regularly feel guilty, there is no doubt: you are dealing with a manipulator who uses you for his own purposes.
The art of instilling confidence in others that they are to blame or owe something, some people master in early childhood. It is noteworthy that the reason for making you feel guilty can be either your action or its absence.
You did not turn to a manipulative friend with words of comfort when he demonstratively suffered – he lets you know that you are hard-hearted. You tried to comfort him – he emphasizes that you chose the wrong words for this, and you again find yourself at fault. Everything is suitable as a means of manipulation – when communicating with a manipulator, you will not be able to behave in a way that does not expose you to a blow.
2. Help is forced on you
Emotional manipulators often take on the appearance of sympathetic interlocutors, always ready to listen to you, and friends who want to help. Still – after all, revealing yourself to such a person, you show your vulnerabilities. In the future, this information will be useful to him.
Often, sympathy is just an excuse to load you with tasks that are important for him: after listening to your exclamation about failure, the manipulator immediately opens a session of half-hour complaints about his own life. Having rendered a service that did not take him any time or effort, he immediately demands really serious help from you – and if you refuse, he goes to the first point, making it clear that you are an unreliable, heartless comrade.
3. You can’t agree on anything.
Manipulators change the rules of the game all the time: after all, any strictly observed agreement is a step towards equality and honesty, and they cannot allow this to happen. That’s why a favorite tactic of manipulators is to play around with rules that you seem to agree on, to pretend that they didn’t agree on anything like that.
The emotional manipulator does not respect you – which means that he is ready for any lie to prove that he is right.
In addition, they are real experts in seeing the world only from their point of view, adjusting any events to their picture of reality. They may insult you in dialogue and claim that it was you who insulted them first. They may commit a heinous act that hurts you and claim that you provoked them. Emotional manipulator doesn’t respect you? which means he is ready for any lie to prove that he is right.
4. An incomprehensible game is going on behind your back.
Those who try to control you are forced to hide most of their manipulative mechanics. Therefore, they like to involve others in their game: for example, retelling to you harsh statements of others that they did not really say, or, conversely, spread rumors about you behind your back.
5. You are forced to reproduce other people’s emotions.
Emotional manipulators are usually fixated on themselves: if they feel bad, everyone around them should cry, they are successful – others should jump with happiness with them. Forcing others to reproduce their own emotions is part of their comfort, they are used to seeing others as a medium for self-assertion.
Of course, there are really serious situations when elementary politeness requires us to correspond to the emotional state of another, but this rarely happens. If you have to constantly correspond to someone else’s mood, this is an alarming symptom.
6. You have a “negative emotional balance” in communication
In international trade, a negative balance is a situation where a government buys more from other countries than it sells.
With unequal communication with a person, the balance of emotional balance will always not be in your favor: any joint activity will lead to his gain and your loss – just like in a fairy tale about tops and roots. This is a sure sign that communication does not bring the main thing – the feeling that both win. Which means it’s exhausted.
Books on the topic
Susan Newman “Say no to the manipulator”
“Why don’t you try dessert?! I made it especially for you!” And we obediently substitute a plate, even if we have diligently limited ourselves in everything all day long. Familiar situation?