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Spring general cleaning is not only sorting out the rubble in the garage and putting things in order in the wardrobe. This is also a good opportunity to take a closer look at the people around us and think about whether it’s time to “clean up” this area of your life as well.
Recently, a list of four questions began to circulate on social networks, with their help you can conduct a “friendship audit” and decide whether to continue communicating with one or another acquaintance.
- Would we still have a good relationship if I didn’t take the initiative myself?
- What “aftertaste” does I have after talking with this person?
- Have I been able to establish healthy personal boundaries in our interactions, and is my friend following them?
- How often do we help each other and is the balance disturbed?
Psychologist Andrea Bonyor of Georgetown University says these questions can be helpful, but they should be answered in the context and history of your relationship as a whole. If your friend has been paying little attention to you lately, think about the possible reasons – maybe he is just going through a difficult period in his life?
“Perhaps your friend is going through a difficult or transitional period right now: for example, he is going through the death of his parents or he had a child. Or he has not communicated with you for some time due to psychological problems, depression or anxiety. If your relationship with a friend is clearly out of balance, it is important to understand whether this is a temporary phenomenon caused by understandable reasons, or if it is a serious disagreement, because of which it may be better to end the relationship with this person, ”he explains.
If you realize that one of your friends has begun to negatively influence your life, how to break off relations with him as painlessly as possible for both? Here’s what the experts say.
How to understand that friendly relations have exhausted themselves?
Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, that’s okay. Of course, no one suggests getting rid of friends because of the first petty grievance. But it is worth allowing yourself to stop communicating with certain people if the relationship with them no longer brings positive emotions.
“You don’t have to remain friends with those who are on a different path in life or who are not ready to support you in achieving your goals. Sometimes we “outgrow” each other. This is natural as we develop and change,” recalls psychotherapist Deborah Dali.
Another sure sign: the thought of talking to a friend is already tiring you.
Strong friendship means mutual assistance. It may not always be perfectly balanced, but in the long run you should be more or less “in the balance”. If a friend is selfish and constantly demands time, attention, and support, while not reciprocating, the relationship may have run out of steam.
Another sure sign: the mere thought of communicating with a friend is already tiring. “The prospect of meeting depresses you, although before you were always happy. Perhaps this person began to do things that are contrary to your principles, and you are thinking about whether you want to be friends with someone who behaves this way, ”says Deborah Dali.
“Pay attention to what emotions you get when a friend texts you or invites you to go somewhere together,” advises psychologist Marie Land. If there is anxiety or a bad feeling, this is an occasion to reflect.
How to end a relationship with a friend
When it comes to romantic relationships, it is believed that you can’t just let them fizzle out on their own. But both Deborah Dali and Marie Land believe that this is acceptable in relationships with friends. “I don’t think it’s always necessary to directly tell a friend that you don’t want to be in a relationship. Often enough to gradually reduce communication to nothing, and he himself will understand everything, ”explains Dali.
Land shares this view: “Imagine your interaction with a friend like a tennis match. Start responding with one “serve” for every two “serves” from your friend. Gradually let us understand that you are busy and not ready to communicate.
If you want to restore a relationship, it is worth explaining what you are not happy with in them now. If not, you don’t have to give a specific reason why you no longer want to spend time together.
If a friend does not understand the hints, it is your duty to honestly and directly explain to him that your paths seem to be diverging.
“I am for honesty, but sometimes you have every right not to worry too much about the fact that friendship is coming to naught. There is nothing wrong with innocent lies like “I now spend so much time on work and hobbies that I rarely get to meet my friends!”.
However, if this person was your close friend and you feel that you owe him an explanation, or there are unresolved issues between you, Dali advises inviting him for a cup of coffee and discuss everything: “Let him know that you both have outgrown this relationship and for everyone will be better off if in the future you only communicate occasionally. Be prepared for the fact that this can offend or anger a friend, and think over a plan of action in advance in this case.
But still, you should not suddenly stop talking. “If a friend does not understand hints, your duty is to honestly and directly explain to him (however awkward this conversation may be) that your life paths seem to diverge,” explains Andrea Bonyor.