Are there signs by which you can accurately predict that the relationship is no longer salvageable? Moreover — that they are not worth saving, but you just need to let go of the past and make room for something new?
Some alliances are doomed to fail. It’s frustrating to think that your relationship has expired, but it happens. Working with couples, the specialists of the Gottman Institute try to increase and preserve love in the world. But sometimes we help partners break up and forget about each other so that in the future they can find the love they need.
Professor John Gottman himself admitted that if he could give one vital advice to himself at a young age, he would say the following: “Stop dating girls who hurt you as soon as possible.” Why prolong the pain when you can leave this relationship behind and find the right person?
Do not try to save the marriage at any cost. It will be much better to realize the truth about relationships and determine the best way to move forward. Even if it means ending old relationships and finding a new partner who can meet our needs.
Saving a hopeless relationship is not only stupid, but also dangerous. I myself once belonged to such an alliance. Our relationship has been captured by the «four horsemen of the apocalypse»: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and neglect. They manifested on a daily basis, constantly oppressing me and my girlfriend. Their swords and arrows inflicted incurable wounds on us, but we continued to hold on to this relationship. We tried to save them until they finally collapsed.
The emotional experience we had in the process was extremely painful and traumatic. It permanently undermined my ability to get close to other people. Four years have passed since then, and the consequences of a difficult gap are still making themselves felt.
Even Cupid, the baby angel we associate with love, wasn’t all that «cute» in ancient Greek mythology.
Think about it: Cupid hits you with an arrow of uncontrollable desire.
It’s no wonder that a feeling as strong as love makes people think irrationally and try to save a relationship when the odds are zero.
Believe me, parting and getting back together many times is a dubious pleasure. It is a pity that I did not understand this earlier and did not end the relationship immediately. I would save myself a lot of pain.
If you’re in a similar situation, the criterion that John Gottman gives in How to Keep Love in a Marriage will help you is the «relationship history» focus. We discovered this criterion during the analysis of oral interviews.
During the sessions, we ask couples to tell their «relationship story»: how they met, what challenges they face, what their fondest memories are, how they envision their relationship.
There can be quite a lot of negativity in such a story. But if a couple extols their struggles, looks at even bad events in a positive light, and appreciates the positive results that came out of them, then they have a real chance to save the relationship and fix what is wrong in them.
If the story is completely colored with negative emotions, if there are no positive memories of the initial romantic stage of the relationship or emerge in a negative light, then the couple is likely to break up. Even if the partners stay together, they will lead parallel uninteresting lives, not trusting each other and not feeling close.
All couples lean in one direction or another, no one hangs in the middle
If a couple focuses on the positive, it means that they have a strong defense against the negative, even if it surrounds them at the moment. Such partners can defeat the «four horsemen of the apocalypse» and drive them away. They can use positive memories that evoke positive emotions as ammunition in this fight.
If the couple focuses on the negative, regardless of its cause, this is the result of the predominance of negative feelings. This means that partners think the worst of each other. Even if only one of the partners focuses on the negative, this is a reliable predictor that the couple will break up.
Love is a powerful force that gives us the most beautiful experiences that are available to man. If you’re on fire, it’s hard to say no, even if you feel like you got a concussion after 15 rounds and can barely keep up.
But why condemn yourself to pain? Even if you decide to end the relationship, a therapist can help you figure out what went wrong. Also, a specialist will help you figure out what you need to be happy for you, taking into account the characteristics of your personality, communication style and affection.
There are suitable people in the world for each of us. They will be touched by our oddities, support our points of view, appreciate us and surround us with true love and adoration. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right person. But staying in a relationship that is mired in negativity is dangerous for physical and mental health, happiness and well-being. It is better to leave them behind and go in search of a new one — this is the healthiest choice.
If you learn from your mistakes and learn from the experience, the breakup cannot be considered a failure. We now have countless ways to meet new people. Don’t lose hope for happiness.
About the author: Christopher Dollard is the editor-in-chief of the Gottman Institute’s psychology blog.