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«How could I not see this?» — This is a question we often ask ourselves after parting. But until recently, we were planning a common future with this person. What could indicate that your new friend is not completely sincere with you? And how to find out if a man loves you or uses you?
If in a relationship with a partner you find one of the signs described below, this is an occasion to think about his intentions.
How to understand that a man is using you?
1. He asks for financial assistance under various pretexts
Anyone can find themselves in a difficult financial situation. But if this is not your spouse, with whom you always share joys and difficulties, nothing justifies a man who solves his problems at your expense. The person with whom you started dating and whom you care about will not ask you for money to pay for their personal needs.
2. He is interested in what you can provide him.
Often such people are willing to discuss what you have and what is missing in their lives. “This is presented, of course, as the fact that they are proud of your achievements. And it’s not always about material values,” says interpersonal coach Greg Mikaelson. — If you or people close to you have a high social status, you are known and you are accepted in circles of interest to your partner, then you can also be of interest to him. Especially if he has big career ambitions or if he craves publicity and fame.”
3. He only shows up when he feels bad
He always remembers you only when he feels lonely, wants to talk out or wants an intimate relationship.
“It is from such partners that it is sometimes especially difficult to leave. Sometimes these people really suffer from depression or mental disorders and find in you the resource that helps them cope. Therefore, they will do everything to keep you. From such men one can often hear: “I can’t live without your support, only you understand me” and even “I will commit suicide if I lose you.”
During the period of falling in love, this can be read by you as an extraordinary passion, a magical feeling that you have found that very soul mate in each other. This is the most common trap women fall into,” Mikaelson says. Later, feelings of guilt and responsibility turn on, and these relationships can drag on for many months and even years.
4. He doesn’t make plans or even remember your birthday.
He is not bothered by your desires, and he easily forgets that it is also important and pleasant for you to receive something from him, because he does not intend to do anything for you. All he is willing to offer is a stream of pleasant words, nothing more. Actions almost never follow them. If you notice that your friend is always busy on those days when you need his presence and attention, this is an occasion to wonder if he really cares about your relationship with you.
«A manipulative man is a good test of the strength of your boundaries»
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
If a person from childhood has not learned or has not felt the need (or pleasure) to provide himself with the blessings of life on his own, he begins to look for a “new mother”. He picks up your unconscious signal: the willingness to give a lot and ask for little. And now an infantile partner is knocking on your life.
Here comes the moment of your choosing and testing the health of the boundaries. How and why do we choose to uncontrollably give away our resources to incomprehensible people on strange grounds?
The most striking example: the story of childhood with an alcoholic dad, when mom spent all her energy on saving him. A daughter in such a family learns important rules for herself. She is not worthy of being the center of attention and getting enough love and support (“well, you understand how hard it is for mom and dad!”). And love is when one partner is very difficult, he has only problems, and the other runs after him and enthusiastically spends his energy on him.
In childhood, this knowledge is acquired without criticism, and therefore we begin to act «on the machine»
We easily recognize «objects worthy of love» not because they are really worthy, but because they are familiar, it is easier and safer for us than with a more caring partner. After all, we have no experience of how to interact with it, and this can be frightening.
This is how all new incarnations of the pope enter our lives, which is important to take care of. There are less dramatic stories, for example, when a mother or grandmother inspires that the public is higher than the personal and that you first need to do good to your neighbor (without explaining who to consider your neighbor), and then think about yourself. But the result may be the same.
There is only one way out — to explore, realize and replace the old rules regarding yourself with new, more fair ones. Are you worthy of love and care, or are you forced to «deserve» them, making all sorts of sacrifices? It’s up to you to decide.