Can we choose how to respond to irritating circumstances? Scientists prove that physiology gives us a chance to find options for an emotional attitude to a situation. So how do you turn on self-control?
“When we are no longer able to change the situation … we are required to change ourselves,” Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning. A psychiatrist who went through the horrors of the concentration camp believed that everything could be taken away from a person, except for the last – the inner freedom to choose one’s attitude to any situation.
It was the choice of his own response to terrible circumstances that helped Frankl to find meaning and find strength in himself. His words gave millions of people the chance to discover the boundary between circumstances and our response to them.
We can control ourselves
Brain researcher and neuroanatomist Jill Taylor, author of My Stroke Was My Science (Corpus, 2012), writes that humans are able to regulate the neurological process. She calls it the “90 Second Rule”: “When a person reacts to something, a 90 second chemical process takes place. And the experiences left after it are already a personal choice for everyone to remain in this emotional cycle.
It happened to everyone that something or someone pissed us off. A rude comment, bad news, a sudden breakdown, an unexpected inconvenience, made me lose my temper. And the reason is not that life has taken up arms against us or bad luck haunts us, says psychotherapist Brian Robinson. What then is the reason for the breakdown?
According to Taylor and Robinson, that we do not have impulse control or are not familiar with a different way of responding to a situation that has upset us. However, no other person or circumstances can make us feel or do anything. We always have a choice whether to react or not, and how to react.
Of course, there are those who believe that they have every right to indulge in “righteous anger”, and do not intend to change and take care of self-control. But, most likely, sooner or later their emotions will go beyond, then someone may suffer and there will be irreparable consequences.
In addition, scientists have shown that our reactivity not only generates suffering, but also shortens life. It creates a stressful biochemical boomerang that weakens the immune system and increases the chance of a heart attack or stroke.
90 second rule
A more mature and proactive approach is to apply the 90-second rule before hurting anyone, Robinson said. And according to Jill Taylor, from a neurological point of view, we have the power to choose at any given moment what we want to be in this world.
“If you look at brain cells, any reaction is a function that a certain group of cells performs. From the moment you have the thought of the existence of a threat and the fear response is triggered, the associated emotional response, the “fight or flight” response, is turned on.
Physiologically, this causes the release of the “hormone of anger” – usually norepinephrine – into the bloodstream. It passes through you and washes out in 90 seconds. That is, from the appearance of the thought of a threat that causes this whole cascade of events, to the chemical washing out of the hormonal response, it takes less than 90 seconds, ”explains Taylor.
She recommends looking at the second hand of your watch whenever you feel like you’re reacting to an annoying event. Knowing about the 90 second rule and understanding what the physiological response of the body is, a person gets time to choose a further reaction. “It will take no more than a minute and a half, and you will feel better,” the expert assures.
We talked in detail about how the new reality will change our daily habits at the Psychologies webinar with Irina Nikulina, CEO of the Boiron company in Russia, and Olga Kochetkova-Korelova, practicing psychologist, content editor of the Psychologies project.
Of course, it’s not uncommon for people to get caught in a trigger and reaction loop. For example, someone hurt us 20 years ago. Each time the thought of that person stimulates a new cycle. “But when you feel yourself heating up, look at your watch. You have 90 seconds for the anger reaction to disappear.”
In reacting to a situation, we make a choice, perhaps unconscious or neurological. “It’s very good that we can learn not to let the hiccups cause dizziness,” Robinson figuratively put it.
The therapist suggests that you make an effort to change your point of view, intentionally look at the situation from a different angle: “I’m not afraid of stress – let the stress be afraid of me.” Choosing a different response and a different perspective on irritating circumstances is tricky, Robinson admits. However, it is this skill that will help to cope with difficulties in any circumstances.
“You cannot choose how and when you die. But it is possible to choose how to live in the present moment. It’s a very strong and amazing feeling.”
About the author: Brian Robinson is a psychotherapist.