How to turn from neighbors into spouses again: 5 steps to family happiness

After the conclusion of the marriage union, the couple faces new life tasks: home, financial stability, children, career. Each spouse has household responsibilities. Even if the feelings are mutual, there is neither time nor energy left for each other. Partners move away, thoughts of divorce appear. Out of ten women who turn to me for help, six come with questions: “How to save a family? How to return intimacy and passion?

It seems that it is impossible to turn from good neighbors into loving spouses again, but this is not so. The main condition is the desire of both partners to save the family. Five simple steps can help bring warmth and intimacy back into a relationship.

Looking for warmth and tenderness

To awaken cooled feelings and return love, I propose a simple exercise “Remember everything”. It consists of two parts.

1. First, take a sheet of paper and write down when and how you met your spouse, how and where your first date went, for what qualities you fell in love.
2. Then write down on the sheet below how you show love to your partner, how he shows it to you.

In the first part of the exercise, focus on finding warm feelings rather than old grudges. This will help you feel interest and affection for your partner. After completing the second part of the exercise, you will most likely be surprised at the non-classical ways in which you show love to each other.

Love in mature families is not like the love of first dates, when flowers and tender words are the main language of love. It manifests itself in everyday life — in the fact that you make coffee for your husband in the morning, in the fact that your husband prepares dinner without reminders or gives you the right thing that you dreamed about. She is in questions: “How was your day?”

There is a feeling between you, otherwise you would not live together. The exercise will help you remember this. Agree, with the confidence that you are loved, it is much easier to meet your partner halfway.

time together

Many problems in families begin because partners minimize the time they spend together. Try to give your partner at least an hour every day. At first glance, the task seems simple. But if you have lived as neighbors for a long time, then spending even five minutes together will seem like a daunting task. Therefore, I recommend starting in small steps.

First, be together for five minutes. In the first week of resuscitation of a love relationship, this will be enough. It is worth increasing the time when you feel that five minutes is not enough. The success of the practice lies in the regularity of the exercise. Fill these minutes with pleasant communication, give each other a light massage, share important thoughts.

After a couple of weeks, it will become noticeable that you need a partner and want to spend more time together.

Find out the difference

Each of you has different needs. For example, a wife loves when her appearance is praised, she needs gentle hugs, affectionate words. The husband, knowing this feature, can often compliment her, hug his wife and let her hug him.

Praise each other. For example, try to say: “You are the best / the best for me”, openly admire: “What a great idea you came up with to make a shelf for small things here”, “Well, you had a great dinner! Perhaps you found a new recipe?

Do not forget about such an important component of marriage as sexual intimacy. Let it become for both of you not a tedious duty, but another way to enjoy each other. According to statistics, men are more likely to want to make love and less likely to need preparation and foreplay. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to seek emotional intimacy than physical intimacy. This is worth considering.

Try to get to know each other, feel, understand what your loved one needs.

Write two lists. In the first write down everything that is important to you in family life. In the second — everything that, in your opinion, is important to a partner. Men often indicate among their needs sexual satisfaction, joint rest, external attractiveness of a partner, home comfort. They need respect and admiration.

Women, as a rule, dream of hearing from a partner that they are attractive, they want intimate conversations and financial stability, help around the house and with children, and more attention to them. But your lists may be completely different. The main thing is to write sincerely.

Then tell your partner what is important to you and listen to what is important to him. Open discussion of key issues will help you get to know your soul mate better. In harmonious relationships, partners, by virtue of their capabilities, help to satisfy each other’s needs. By learning that your partner is important and valuable, you can take better care of them. Then it will be easier for you to receive care in return.

Work and life

What takes a lot of time and energy every day? Of course, work and life. Especially when the marriage relationship lasts long enough. Therefore, it is important to redistribute the load so that there is time for each other. If the work schedule rarely depends only on our desire, then household duties can be quite divided.

I offer an exercise that will help to cope with this problem. It is called «Who is responsible for what?» Take a new sheet and write down all the household chores that your family needs. Then tick off the responsibilities for which you are responsible, and tick off those for which the partner is responsible.

Count the number of responsibilities and compare who has more. Then redistribute them so that you get evenly. Think about how to relieve each other. Perhaps you can ask your grandmother to take the children to clubs on Wednesdays. Or get a robot vacuum cleaner and a slow cooker. The main thing is to help each other not get bogged down in everyday affairs and leave room for a holiday for two.

Joint leisure

Without joint rest, family life will not be complete. Choose what you like: visiting, meeting with friends, watching movies, trips to the mountains with tents or relaxing by the sea. It is important not only to spend time together in a familiar environment, but also to get new experiences together. If you are a busy person and every minute is scheduled for you, then free time will have to be included in the schedule.

Plan your vacation. In the calendar, mark your free days and the free days of your spouse. When the weekends coincide, plan an activity together. A country trip, excursion or board games — choose what both like, or first do what your partner likes, and then what you love.

Is he interested in fishing and you in long walks? Try fishing one weekend and walking the next. Time spent together will be an excellent investment in strengthening the marriage. As you do the exercises and recommendations, remember that relationships are built gradually. Remember how at the beginning of your story you slowly walked towards each other, and the result was love and marriage.

Move forward in small steps, but daily. Notice the partner’s contribution to your union, tell him about it. After a while, you will see how the relationship changes.