It was 1993. At that time, I rented a 2-room apartment in which we lived with my youngest son Ilya, who was twelve years old. The eldest son studied at a music school and lived in another city, often coming for the weekend. Then I had good opportunities to implement new knowledge on raising my youngest son.
He did not study well, but thanks to his good memory and quick wit, he managed to finish the quarter without twos. And taking into account the transitional age and its difficult nature, I decided to focus more on the formation of male qualities.
I realized that it is possible to educate without prohibitions and punishments, the main thing is to transfer the desired freedom to a teenager along with responsibility. To do this, I set myself the task of learning not to react emotionally to any antics of my son, that is, to maintain complete inner peace. Only six months later, I coped with this task. This was necessary to achieve the goals of education.
One day, when I came home in the evening, I found that a large Chinese thermos was broken. In a calm voice, I began to ask Ilya what happened. It turns out that he wanted to get into an open thermos with a thin long stick, and it seems that he succeeded.
I took a thermos and began to talk about its device. I said that this is a vessel in a vessel, and both are made of glass, inside they are covered with a mirror composition. In addition, air is pumped out between the vessels. All this is done to ensure that the water in the thermos remains hot for a long time. Now, going out into nature, we will have problems with tea. Ilya listened to me with interest. Keeping calm and good nature, we ended the conversation.
The next weekend, on our trouble-free «Zaporozhets», we went to nature. The morning was cold, so I wanted something to eat and drink hot. I always took a thermos with me. Ilya, forgetting that he broke the thermos, asked for tea. I said that there was no thermos, so if he wants tea, then you need to make a fire and warm him in a pot. “I can help,” I suggested, “if you’re ready, then let’s go for firewood.” Then, Ilya broke firewood, kindled a fire. I helped him put up stakes for the fire, he did the rest himself. Half an hour later we drank excellent tea, besides, we managed to get hungry and ate with pleasure. I thanked my son for the tea. To which he replied: “Now we don’t need a thermos.” “What if it rained heavily?” I asked in turn. Without waiting for an answer, I said: «A man must be prudent and be prepared for any surprises.» Elijah thought silently. I, in turn, thought that the thermos lesson was a success.
Once I noticed that Ilya began to steal small money, which was in the public domain in a closet in the hallway. He was a boy with a strong character and was already desperately eager for independence. I already knew that sermons and exhortations would not work on him, so I did the following: I added a little more money to where they were. I started counting every day. I kept these records for two weeks, strictly observing secrecy. In communication, I retained the humor and irony that has long been built into our lives. Conversations in this vein gave him a sense of freedom and mutual understanding, and also developed his extraordinary thinking.
Two weeks later, we had the following conversation: “Do you think you want to become an adult, go where you want to buy, what do you want? If you had enough money now, would you be an adult?”
After thinking, the son replied: “Probably not.” “You see,” I continued, “adults differ from children in that they are responsible in society not only for their own actions, but also for the actions of their children. I understand that you want to become an adult. Perhaps that is why you took money in the hallway for your needs without telling me about it. “I didn’t take it,” Ilya said.
Looking at my son with love, I calmly explained to him when and how much he took money. Ilya stood, slowly blushing. “You know,” I said, “I have an interesting proposal. You can have your own money, but with a small condition. Ilya perked up and began to listen with great attention. “I will give you part of my money, along with the corresponding responsibility. As a father, I am responsible for your nutrition, that is, I buy groceries and prepare meals. Now I will calculate how much money is spent on your food.
A minute later, I told my son the amount, deliberately slightly overstated, in order to interest him in this experiment. “Every day I will give you this money. You will have the right to manage your money as you wish. Buy your own groceries and cook your own food. You can negotiate with me, and for a moderate fee I will cook for you what you do not yet know how to do. You can use the money you save as you wish. If you agree, then we, as adults, will draw up an agreement, and from tomorrow we will begin to implement it. My son was interested in this proposal, and he agreed. We talked and wrote everything down, noting that the contract could be terminated by the son at any moment.
The next morning, after breakfast, I gave Ilya the settlement amount, wished him success and went to work. In the evening he finished eating the pasta left over from yesterday.
And at lunch, he said that he bought two pies and ate them. I must say that the son was large, mobile, slightly overweight, and loved to eat, especially meat food.
The second day differed little from the first. For lunch, he cooked himself pasta again, which he bought at the store. In the evening I finished them and drank tea with two Snickers. Although my son had a strong character, I understood that he would not last long on such a limited diet.
On the morning of the third day, he asked me for a plate of my vegetarian borscht for lunch. I agreed approvingly, while reducing the amount given to him. In turn, he offered to cook meat soup for him. But the son, having learned how much it would cost him money, refused.
He was a leader among his friends, and having money markedly raised his authority.
On the fourth day he fried himself some sausage and drank tea with breadcrumbs.
The next morning, Sunday, I found that the refrigerator was missing: 3 eggs, a plate of borscht and cans of canned fish. I realized that at night my son was tormented by hunger, and he could not stand it. When Ilya woke up, I asked him: “You don’t know who forgot to close the refrigerator yesterday. At night, the mice climbed into it and gnawed all the food there. My speech was filled with good humor and irony.
With all my appearance, I showed that I did not at all think that he had done it. After a short pause, lowering his eyes, Ilya confessed to «what he had done.» “Well, everything happens in life,” I said with a smile. “The main thing is that the mice didn’t get food.”
The money I gave to my son was much less. I deducted from the calculated amount the cost of food eaten at night, while explaining to Ilya how I performed the calculation. The son looked sadly at the remaining money and, silently, began to get ready for the street. In the evening he asked me to cook him a pot of meat borscht, which was enough for him for three days.
On the tenth day, in the evening, looking at me with a pleading and at the same time understanding look, Ilya said: «Dad, let’s do it as before.» “Well,” I said, “we will live as before. The main thing is your decision. To take some of the responsibility of a father for his life is a courageous act of a real man. You lasted ten days, not bad for a first time. In order to go through life easily and freely, you need to learn a lot, and I can help you with this, if you really want to.
Talking with my son, I felt much more understanding on his part than before. He didn’t steal any more money.
A week later, I told him the following: “I suggest you play with me the game “Learn to cook quickly and fun.” Each stage of the game ends with a delicious dish of your choice from the provided menu. I showed him The Book of Tasty and Healthy Food, where for the first time he chose cutlets with mashed potatoes. Ilya agreed.
«Then let’s go to the market to buy groceries.»
I understood that the whole learning process should be fun and interesting, and could eventually lead to self-learning. Approaching the counter, I explained: “You see, this meat ran yesterday, that’s why it is so vigorous. And this, sad and sad, because it lay in the freezer for a long time.
With smiles and jokes, I helped my son choose all the necessary products from the list that he held in his hand. He bought everything on his own, I helped him only with advice.
And so we started cooking. “Every product,” I said, “has its own fairy tale, peculiarity, cunning. Take, for example, an onion. It’s one of the trickiest products out there. No matter what a person does with him, he still strives to bite him behind the eyes. What only craftsmen do not come up with. Some wear goggles for swimming, and even a gas mask. Others use a fan, and even a vacuum cleaner. The most patient people simply shed burning tears. Now I will reveal to you a secret that will help you make friends with the bow forever. Watch and remember. We take an onion, look at it with a kind look, mentally thank you for its benefit. Then we quickly clean it with a wet knife, rinse it and the knife, quickly cut the onion into two halves and put it in a pre-prepared saucepan with water. The bow can lie there for some time according to our need. If it needs to be finely chopped, then the board on which we will do this must be moistened with water, and the knife too. After that, the chopped onion can be transferred to a plate and covered with a lid or in a frying pan, which is also covered with a lid.
Holding out the second onion to Ilya, I said: “Now it’s your turn. While you’re cutting onions, I’ll have a fun conversation with potatoes. You know, she allowed her clothes to be taken off with one cleaning. “How is that,” the son wondered. «Look». I quickly, without lifting the knife, dealt with a large potato. She was in one hand, and in the other one long curly cleaning. Then we did everything together, cut meat, twisted minced meat. And so, a little time passed, and potatoes were boiled on the stove, cutlets were fried, spreading a delicious aroma.
«Watch the cutlets, and in the meantime I’ll prepare a little surprise.» He took out a fresh head of cabbage from the refrigerator and quickly made a delicious salad. How important it is to set the table beautifully with a smile and gratitude, and having cheerfully looked at each other, proceed to dinner. Ilya ate with pleasure. Having finished his tea, he asked: «Dad, what are we going to eat for dinner.» “You can pancakes or tricky porridge, but in general, offer it yourself. You are our menu specialist now.” Talking to my son, I realized that the game had begun.
For two weeks we cooked various dishes with him, combining them with spices. For some of the dishes, while preparing them, I came up with an additional spice: music.
I joked and sang songs all the time. Ilya got involved in this venture and tried to come up with something himself. If at the beginning of the game my participation was 80 percent, then at the end of it we switched places.
Two weeks ended, and Ilya asked: “Dad, why didn’t you cook so tasty and varied before?” “You see,” I said, “a man should be able to do everything, but it’s not good for a warrior to spend a lot of time at the stove. Therefore, his food should be simple, healthy and quickly prepared. For myself, I picked up a set of dishes and alternate them as needed. You can do the same, and if you want, I will help you with this. The learning process has taken place. Ilya began to master another much-needed skill in life. I noticed that in the evenings Ilya sometimes began to read The Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.
Four months have passed. One day my son came up to me and said: “Dad, let’s make an agreement again.” “Come on,” I replied with great inner satisfaction.
This time, Ilya lasted 23 days. It should be noted that he behaved with dignity. I ate honestly. Only twice did I cook borscht for him. He had an emerging ability to cook food.
Over the next three years, he lived under contracts several times. I changed the conditions, for example, gave money for the whole week at once. I remember one feature. As soon as Ilya needed money, he immediately offered a contract.
During this time, I taught him how to repair clothes and shoes, as well as planing, sawing, and soldering. In general, everything that a real man should do. I tried to be an example to him in everything.
Once, I noticed that Ilya was smoking. I told him: “If you want to smoke — smoke, if you want to be a slave — be one! Please tell me: when the boys start smoking in a company, do they agree with someone else’s will or show their own? “Mostly they agree,” the son replied. “Then another question: what do they show strength or weakness, fearing to stand out from the smoking company?” “Looks like weakness,” Ilya replied.
“Answer me, please: did you start smoking, did you become stronger, healthier, freer? This activity saves you time, maybe money? Ilya was silent. “You know that I do not smoke, so I am healthy and free from this slave habit. Bad habits are bad because they make a person a slave to some extent. And I love freedom since childhood, so I have no bad habits. Well, you yourself choose what is closer to you. Two months later, I noticed that Ilya had quit smoking.
By the age of sixteen, he began to treat many issues of life more responsibly. According to our last contract, I gave him money once a week for food, clothes and shoes. It was already the third month since he lived on it.
Once he came upset. “Dad, I ripped my pants because I recently bought them. What to do?» “Buy new ones,” I replied calmly. “But they are expensive. Can they be sewn up?” he asked. “Try it,” I continued quietly as I read the book.
For half an hour, Ilya tried to sew something up. “I can’t do it,” I heard his displeased voice. — Please help me». By this time, he had already learned to calmly ask for help.
I looked at his tailoring work, at the possibility of a quality repair and said: «You will sew yourself, and I will help.» Next, we ripped the leg along the seam. Then they swept a fabric of suitable length and color. Then everything was stitched and sewn up. It even turned out very well. Ilya put on his pants and beamed. “You see,” I said, “how profitable it is to be able to do a lot yourself.”
A week after this event, I was called to the head teacher of the school where Ilya studied. He skipped class and got a few other guys into it. After some explanation, I told the head teacher that I would analyze the act of my son.
The next day I gave out a reduced amount of money. Ilya asked why today is less. I explained that yesterday I had to take a taxi, because I was urgently called to the head teacher of the school to analyze your exploits. On top of that, I had an important meeting cancelled, and the lucrative order went to another specialist. Therefore, having calculated my losses, I made the corresponding calculation. But you didn’t fully answer for your actions. You need to ask for forgiveness from the head teacher and teacher, and then you will be completely worthy as a man and will answer for your misconduct. It seems that I have long become a great authority for him. Ilya did everything I suggested to him.
About a week later, Ilya came up to me and said: «I want to buy a player.» “Do you have money?” I asked. “Yes, I saved up,” he replied. «Well, let’s go shopping then.» Then they just appeared, and not every teenager had them.
We chose a good model, and I bought Ilya high-quality headphones from myself. “Congratulations on your first major purchase with the money you saved. This is a responsible act of a real man. I firmly shook his hand and said: “I propose to celebrate this event. Let’s make a great dinner. I’ll come up with something unexpected and delicious.»
Six months later, working in practice at one of the enterprises, Ilya independently agreed on the manufacture of an iron door for an apartment. I was just informed about the result. Shortly before that, I said that I would have to do this.
I realized that my pedagogical experiments were crowned with success. Ilya, remelting his shortcomings, becomes a real man.
It is very important when raising children to measure the degree of freedom and responsibility. Only through the ability to be responsible for their actions, our children learn to be free, independent and, as a result, happy in their lives.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.