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Making such a decision is not easy. But telling a loved one about it is even more difficult. These four rules will help you understand each other and not turn an important conversation into an exchange of blame and blame.
Telling your partner that you see a breakup as the only possible solution is an unpleasant task. Often relations by this moment are already heated to the limit and we are not able to talk calmly. Or the initiator of the gap is not ready to be honest about his intentions, leaving the other with the illusion that everything is in order.
What will help you prepare for a difficult conversation?
Make your partner a partner in the solution
“One of the most environmentally friendly ways to let your partner know you want to break up is to do so after a sincere and calm conversation about what preceded the decision,” says coach Chris Armstrong. – This will allow the other side to look more soberly at what is happening.
If you definitely decided to leave, do not look for the guilty and do not blame your partner for anything. Example: “You can’t deny that all our conversations ended in quarrels. We have not been able to find a common language. This is not an easy decision, but, you see, the relationship has not been healthy for a long time. ” Thus, you offer your partner to become an equal participant in what is happening and bring him to the fact that you do not leave him, this is your mutual decision.
Consider writing to him about it.
“I always thought texting breakups were humiliating, but I couldn’t start a conversation about it myself,” admits 32-year-old Olga. – As a result, I wrote to my partner. He did not answer for a long time, then suggested that we meet and talk. I do not regret my decision, because after a while we were both ready for this.
“Indeed, it is believed that the only honest way to leave is to say so in person. And messenger messages are just craven attempts to avoid a reaction from a partner that will make you feel guilty, says coach Chris Armstrong. – This is debatable. There are people who feel more comfortable discussing emotional issues in writing.
You know your partner very well, perhaps he is one of them. This does not preclude a decisive conversation, but will allow the other side to internally prepare for it and start a dialogue instead of immediately becoming defensive, being emotionally stunned by your decision.
Do not let others in on your plans
The desire to turn to friends in a difficult situation is understandable. Nevertheless, try not to devote them to your plans until a loved one knows about it. And even after you have talked to him, it is better not to discuss it with anyone at first. If your ex is among these people and realizes that they already know everything, he may feel pain and humiliation.
Don’t give hope for a return
“When I told my girlfriend that I can’t live like this anymore and I’m leaving, she cried, and I felt like the last villain. And when she suddenly calmed down, hugged me and, looking into my eyes, asked: “But everything can change in life?” I didn’t find the strength to object to her. And soon I realized that she took it as a hope,” says 35-year-old Nikita.
“The decision to break up is important to voice delicately, and at the same time, you should not mislead the other side,” reminds Chris Armstrong. – A partner who is not ready for this is tempted to believe that it is still possible to change. And you, in turn, may want to pretend that this is possible in order to avoid emotional tension.
Be completely honest with your loved one, no matter how difficult it is to meet his feelings.