How to tell your friends they let you down

Friendship, like any other relationship, is a multifaceted and contradictory phenomenon. You can support your friends by secretly envying their success. You can enjoy their company, but need privacy from time to time. You can trust your friends with the most valuable thing, even knowing that they can let you down.

And when you exist side by side with someone long enough, this inevitably happens: a friend may accidentally spill your secret or not come to the rescue at the moment when you most need it. When this happens, you need to strike a balance: take care of your interests and not let what happened destroy your relationship.

It is easy to break loose and say everything you think in your hearts, but this will not lead to anything good: he will feel that you are attacking, and you will hardly experience satisfaction. And if you approach the issue with a sober head, you can, on the contrary, strengthen friendship.

“True friendship is not without conflict – it’s just a matter of how you resolve them,” says Suzanne Deggs-White, a psychotherapist and professor at the University of Northern Illinois. It is very important to tell a friend how you really feel. Realizing that he deceived your expectations, he can change, become better. Here’s how to do it.

Assess relationships and yourself

Before talking to a friend about hurt feelings, do what etiquette expert Elaine Swann calls a “friendship inventory.” Your task is to understand whether the upcoming dialogue will strengthen the relationship or destroy it: “In the course of a serious conversation, there is a risk of hurting feelings and offending each other. Try to figure out if your relationship will survive this storm. Ask yourself: will we break up after such a clarification of the relationship finally.

If such a conversation threatens friendship, consider whether you really need this person. Maybe it’s time to part with him – without dramas and scandals? If communication enriches both of you, you will have to talk about what happened.

After that, shift the focus of attention to yourself. Try to understand what upset you. Have you really been offended or is your friend not to blame? Try to see if you’ve set the bar too high for your friends. If you can’t figure it out on your own, tell the person you trust about everything in order to hear his independent opinion.

Take a break

An emotional showdown rarely leads to the desired result, which means you should give yourself time to calm down. When the passions subside a bit, you can talk with a friend. However, it’s also not worth postponing such a conversation for too long, psychologist Andrea Bonor is sure, otherwise you can “extinguish”: “Over time, the details are forgotten, and both of you should remember well what actually happened.”

Make a plan of action

Think in advance where your conversation will take place. Ideally, this should be a neutral area (for example, a cafe) with a calm environment, says Suzanne Deggs-White. Make sure no one or nothing interferes with your conversation.

You definitely shouldn’t start such a conversation during your lunch break: you both should have enough time to discuss everything you see fit.

Be clear about your intentions

What is the problem? Is your friend always late? Did he give away his deepest secret? It is worth starting a conversation only when you yourself know exactly what will be discussed. Think about what both of you can do to prevent this situation from happening again.

Use “I” statements

Your goal is not to blame or punish, but to find a solution. Try to avoid phrases like “You didn’t invite me to the party!”, “Why are you always avoiding me?” – such attacks will only make a friend defensive. Better say: “I was uncomfortable when …”, “I was very hurt by your words that …”.

“Speak what you feel yourself, and the interlocutor will not have the feeling that he is being attacked,” Bonyor is sure.

Be Specific

Suzanne Deggs-White believes that generalizations have never helped anyone. “If we say: “When you are needed, you are never there!” — what does it really mean? Specific examples are needed.”

So instead of telling a friend that you will never get help from him, give a specific example of when he did not support you. This will help you convey to a loved one exactly what you expect from him: readiness to listen to you, work as a “vest”, keep secret what you tell him.

Listen

After talking about everything that hurts, let him speak. “He’s also probably having an internal struggle right now,” suggests Deggs-White. “And knowing how he or she feels is extremely important.” Reassure that you hear and understand him, respect his point of view, even if you do not share it.

If a friend takes a defensive position, Bonyor advises to moderate his ardor and maybe even apologize: “I’m sorry if I took you by surprise with all this. I didn’t mean to upset you.” If the atmosphere continues to heat up and your friend starts crying, for example, it’s best to pause the conversation.

Move forward

Now that everyone has shared what’s on their minds, the relationship can enter a new, more productive phase. You not only explained to your friend what you expect from him in the future, but also created a precedent for further discussions. “If one day you hurt him, he will just as well be able to talk to you about what happened,” says Andrea Bonyor.

But Elaine Swann warns: do not expect a friend to change overnight. If after a while it seems to you that nothing has changed, you can try to talk again. In the end, your friendship is at stake, and it is certainly worth fighting for.