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Whatever happens in the family, children have the right to know the truth. And it needs to be explained to them. But how to find words to talk about what is not easy for adults to talk about?
We are numb at the mere thought that we have to explain to the child something that we can hardly cope with on our own. How to tell him that his parents are getting divorced, that his grandmother is seriously ill, or that this year there probably won’t be enough money for a trip to the sea because dad lost his job? The need to hurt the child with adult circumstances only adds bitterness to their own experiences, which are therefore perceived even more painfully. And we strive to protect him (and ourselves) from suffering – we know: he will be shocked, offended, angry, he may feel guilty … And yet we have to tell our son or daughter about what is happening in the family, answer questions.
To be sincere with a child means to respect him. To treat him as an equal interlocutor means to cultivate in him the right attitude towards himself. Children with whom parents talk about the most important, growing up, do not hesitate to ask for help when it is needed, openly talk about their doubts and anxieties, instead of wandering in the darkness of their own conjectures, illusions and fears. Child psychologist Tatyana Tarasova and family therapist Natalia Shchukina talk about how to talk to children about the most difficult things.
When to start a conversation
CHILDREN WITH WHICH WE TALK ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS, GROWING UP, DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK FOR HELP WHEN IT IS NEEDED, SPEAK OPENLY ABOUT THEIR ANXIES. IT IS EASIER FOR THEM TO OVERCOME FEAR.
Children feel the general tension in the house, notice the shades of adult behavior, but do not know how and what to ask their parents about. Therefore, they unconsciously attract our attention to themselves, become “sticky”, act up or, on the contrary, calm down, hide in a corner. It is worth talking to the child at the moment when he begins to be interested in what is happening. “You don’t love dad anymore?”, “Grandpa will die tomorrow?” – all parents know the children’s ability to ask about the most important things at the most inopportune moment: at the school door, in the subway, in the car, when we are late, stuck in traffic. “It is better to say directly: “I will definitely answer you, but now is not the right time,” explains Natalia Schukina, “and clarify when you will be ready to talk to him. Later return to the conversation, but consider the condition of the child. You should not distract him if he is passionate about something: playing, watching cartoons, drawing. Don’t delay talking too long: children experience time differently than adults. They live by what is happening to them now, today, and if we delay, do not discuss with them what worries them, they get scared, start fantasizing, feel guilty (“Mom doesn’t say anything, so she’s angry with me” ) and suffer.
About it
- Julia Gippenreiter “Communicate with a child. How?” AST: Astrel, Harvest, 2008.
- Sergey Shefov “Psychology of Grief” Speech, 2006.
- Helmut Figdor “Children of Divorced Parents: Between Trauma and Hope” MPSI, 2006.
Who to take the floor
Only parents can decide. “There is no better barometer than their intuition,” Natalia Schukina is sure. But you need to feel the strength in yourself: nothing destabilizes a child like the sight of a crying mother. “If you feel that in a conversation you can lose your temper, start it alone, with the other parent,” continues the psychologist. “One of the relatives or friends who are familiar with the child can help, someone who will feel confident and will be able to support him.”
What to say
You don’t need to tell everything in detail all at once. “So, to the question: “Why doesn’t grandmother come to us?” – you can honestly answer: “She is sick and is in the hospital,” Tatyana Tarasova explains. “Don’t talk too much, go into details, discuss only what can affect the child’s life: who will now take him to training, where he will live, with whom he will spend the holidays …”
How to choose words
“Speak in a language understandable for his age,” continues Tatyana Tarasova. – For example, if we are talking about divorce, there is no need to talk about the dissimilarity of characters or the bitterness of betrayal. Say the main thing: parents can no longer be together, but they will still remain his dad and mom who love him. It is worth paying attention to words: for example, if the expression “to be on the street” appears in a conversation about financial problems, many children can take it literally.
It is also important to say how we feel. To pretend that we are all right when we are confused or frightened is to deceive the child. “Avoid the other extreme, do not bring down all the bitterness of your emotions on your son or daughter,” warns Natalia Shchukina. “A child cannot and should not be the one who takes on the problems of adults.”
It’s better to say sincerely and directly: “I’m sorry, this should not have happened.” And don’t add: “Don’t worry, don’t think about it.” “Such words cannot console a child,” explains Tatyana Tarasova. – To cope with grief, he will have to recognize the loss, accept it. Often our gestures are more eloquent and weighty than words: take the child by the hand, hug his shoulders, sit down next to him – he will cope with anxiety more easily if he sees your face.
“Daddy and Mommy Break Up”
Confirm that you remain his parents and continue to love him as before.
It is difficult for a child to understand why parents no longer want to live together. However, if they did not get along with each other for a long time, this will not be a bolt from the blue. When the gap becomes official, children are primarily concerned about how their life will now be built, what will remain familiar in it. Indeed, for a child, “habitual” usually means “safe”: you will stay at the same school, you will live here with your mother, and go to football with your father, etc. So parents will have to agree on this first of all together. Remind again and again: each of us loves you, you are very dear to us, it is difficult now, but we will definitely cope. Your words will help him resist, accept and survive what happened.
“Mom is seriously ill”
Leave as much hope as possible without diminishing the severity of the disease.
Do not pretend that everything is in order, that mom is not in the hospital, but on a business trip or vacation. The child feels that everyone in the house is disturbed, he needs the truth. But the truth is not despair, but hope, no matter how difficult the circumstances: “Mom is sick, but she will have an operation. Then she will still be treated, and the doctors will do everything to cure her. And we will definitely support her too.” If things are going to an irreparable denouement, one must be able to say this even to a small child. You can try to support him and allegorically: in fairy tales, animals and little princesses sometimes also remain without a mother. It is very important that the child has the opportunity to express his feelings, to cry, to talk about his mother, to remember.
In your own words
If there are several children in the family, the news should not be reported to everyone at the same time. In addition to age, it is important to take into account the peculiarities of their character: everyone will need their own words of comfort and support. By focusing on one child, it is easier to comfort him or soften his outburst of anger so that his experiences do not affect other children. For example, upon learning that the parents are separating, the child may say: “Great! We will have two houses. “This lightness is visible,” explains Natalia Schukina. She just helps him deal with his emotions. Without realizing this, another child may verbally join in this reaction and begin to hide his true feelings. Talk to the children separately, but within one day, so as not to leave the burden of a heavy secret on the children’s shoulders.
What not to talk about
When the news becomes known, the child will definitely have questions. “But this does not mean that you need to answer each of them,” says Natalia Shchukina. Children need adults to set boundaries. For example, they are not concerned with the details of their parents’ personal lives, and you can clearly say that.” By protecting our intimate space, we give children the right to have their own personal zone and demand that its boundaries be respected.
“Dad lost his job”
Explain that this is temporary: the child will have everything necessary for life.
It is better to report about financial problems in the family early. After all, as a rule, adults in this situation become irritable or depressed, which increases the child’s anxiety. Without going into details, talk to him about the situation that has arisen, because children very quickly become aware of the importance of money in their daily lives. Explain, “We don’t have enough money to go on vacation, but we have enough for housing and food, which is the most important thing.” The child must see the future: “Now we have to choose what to spend money on, but next year we’ll see.”