Unfortunately, the “happily ever after” formula works flawlessly only in fairy tales. Sometimes people break up – and you have to somehow explain this to the children.
25 May 2019
Don’t pull… It will be worse if the baby hears the news from a stranger. It makes more sense to report four weeks in advance, when the documents are already in court. Two to three months is a long time, the child may have a false hope that you will stay together. Frustration and emotional crisis will be stronger.
Better to explain in three… Decide in advance with your spouse what to say, and role-play the conversation. Create a cozy environment, leave your child’s favorite toy, and remove distracting objects – tablets, radio-controlled models. Don’t let loving grandmothers. Both parents must speak. Until the age of 13, children listen more to emotions, rest on them: “We are sorry that we are parting, sorry that it happened, but we still love you.”
Do not expand on the reasonsespecially if they make the parent look unfavorable. Say, “We tried very hard, but sometimes people can’t live together anymore.” It is important to emphasize the word “sometimes”, otherwise the attitude will be formed: “When I grow up, I will have the same situation.”
Are there several children? Consider everyone’s temperament… If there is a warm relationship between them, talk to both of them at once. If one child is much older, start with the oldest. Teenagers love attention when they are perceived as more than just a nanny. A high school student will appreciate that they have taken him seriously, and will want to behave like an adult himself.
Don’t let your kids think they are the reason for the divorce.… Guys often take the blame for what is happening, try to improve the relationship with you or between you. Remind:
“This is our decision. He was not influenced by your grades or behavior. This cannot be changed. “
Forced to explain yourself alone? You can’t say: “Daddy left us”… The child often regrets his father, thinking that he did not leave himself, he was kicked out. No need to tear up photos, make you call your new man dad. The hardest thing is with teenagers. Subconsciously, they blame the parent with whom they are left. Admit it, “You’ll be mad at me, it’s okay, but it will pass. If you want to talk, I’m near. “
If you know that the father is not going to date the child, do not hide it: “It’s difficult for dad now. But let’s hope he changes his mind. ” Don’t take responsibility, don’t promise to do anything to get him back. It will not work – you will be branded a traitor. A child of any age can be told: “But we always have each other.” Children understand everything very well, read emotions. Before convincing them of anything, pull yourself together.
Recognize the right to tears, displeasure, and aggression for your son or daughter. Communicate that feelings cannot be hidden… Show different ways of expressing them. Toddlers can be offered drawing, sculpting, and releasing anger through dancing or beating a pillow. It does not work out – fairy tale therapy will help. Enroll the teenager in the sports section, but this should be his choice. Let him communicate with peers more often, listen to music, if this is his way to survive the loss.
Did the child calmly react to the father’s departure, although they had a normal relationship? See a specialist. Strangled negative emotions lead to the development of psychosomatic diseases – allergies, asthma, neurodermatitis.
No matter how hard it is, with pre-adolescent children you can’t show tears… It is unbearable for a child to see you cry. For him, you are the guarantor of support and support. Seeing your grief, he will lose the confidence that he will always be protected. In addition, he will blame his father out loud or silently, which will finally destroy their relationship. A student 13-14 years old can be told that you share his emotions, that you feel bad too. Is the child over 15? Suggest, “Let’s support each other and try to get through this difficult period together.”
If you and the child’s father continue to live together …
… Do not sort things out in front of the child. During the conversation, try not to gesture too emotionally – the baby will understand everything;
… do not create the illusion of a good relationship. Many families do so so as not to injure their son or daughter. The illusion hurts more;
… Distance yourself physically. Sleep in different beds, in different rooms;
… do not load your child up, give up unscheduled shopping trips. Stick to the same rhythm of life.