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How to help a child not be afraid of mistakes? Here he did not succeed, he immediately freaks out and throws everything.
At the same time — we emphasize especially — you do not scold him for mistakes, do not shout, console him if he cries.
But things are still there. How to be here?
Based on scientific data and personal experience, I have come to five conclusions that I want to share.
1. Always Emphasize Only Your Child’s Efforts
Forget about talents and abilities. No «You’re so smart, you’re so smart.» Just «You work so hard, you work so hard.»
Research by Carol Dweck and her colleagues shows that highlighting talent teaches kids to be afraid of making mistakes. After all, a mistake means that there is no talent, talented people do not make mistakes (according to children).
And if it’s all about your skills, then the mistake becomes something unimportant. Simply put, children begin to think like this: “I’m only wrong because I’m not very good at it yet. I’ll learn!»
It comes to ridiculous — a meager difference in wording can lead to quite noticeable consequences.
Imagine such an experiment. A preschooler is asked to either «Be my helper» or «Help me.» Then he is offered to move a certain toy from place to place and the toy breaks (everything, of course, is set up and set up so that the child believes that he broke the toy). After that, the child is offered two more tasks [source].
And here the difference in wording manifested itself in all its glory. Those who were asked to be helpers became more frustrated and more likely to refuse to complete the remaining two tasks. Their reaction to the mistake was very strong.
Those who were asked to help were less frustrated and more willing to take on other tasks. Their reaction to the mistake was weaker.
Therefore, direct the attention of children to efforts and actions, and not to talents and statuses.
2. Break tasks into as small parts as possible
The smaller, the easier it is to learn. Therefore, the greater the chance of success.
And unlike adults, children (up to about 11 years old) learn better not from mistakes, but from success [source]. Especially if an adult emphasizes these successes.
Therefore, the more successes, the easier it will be for them to learn, the fewer mistakes there will be, the easier it will be to endure individual mistakes.
Let’s say a child is learning to throw a ball into a basketball hoop. You don’t have to practice hitting right away. Start with proper foot placement. Then — the correct grip of the ball. Then — the right throw.
We psychologists, with the light hand of L. S. Vygotsky, call this the zone of proximal development. This is a kind of operation that a person can easily do with a little help from a more skilled comrade (for example, a parent).
Anything outside the zone of proximal development should be ignored.
Let’s say the child didn’t hit the ring. And you say, they say, you shouldn’t have — now you were training to throw to the shield, we won’t get into the ring soon, as long as you learn to only apply enough force to hit the shield, it turned out, great work, keep it up!
So the child will be much easier.
3. Train your child only when he is calm.
If the child is upset, cries and kicks the ball, which he could not get into the said ring, it is useless to have soul-saving conversations.
First you need to calm the child, see →
In short, you first need to support the child, help him cope with emotions, and then move on to what I described above.
Hug the child, stroke his hair and wait.
If the child breaks out, do not press, do not pinch him. Give him time to be alone.
Pretty soon he will calm down, and it will be possible to return to the section on small tasks.
4. Emphasize that a mistake is just a signal to learn
Just say so to the child, they say, well, now you know what needs to be tightened up. I often say this: «Learning without mistakes is a waste of time.» After all, without mistakes it is not clear where to grow, what to learn.
Let’s say one of my kids got a low grade in school. I say, they say, let’s see what exactly such an assessment was made for, and how we can correct these points.
I emphasize — not to correct the assessment, but to those points to which it points.
If it’s a wrong subtraction, let’s train this moment. If the unstressed vowel was written incorrectly, then we will practice it.
It is very important not only to declare that an error is a signal, but also to act in the same way. By doing this, you teach your child to independently determine what needs to be improved and what to work on.
5. Set yourself up for the long haul
All these techniques will help, but without a quick effect. It takes time, and a lot of it.
After all, accepting mistakes calmly is a kind of skill. And those skills don’t develop quickly.
It takes a lot of practice and method.
As I say in such cases: “A skill is not created by a decision. Skill is created by practice. And constant exercise.
However, there is also good news.
As long as you teach your child not to be afraid of mistakes, you yourself will make many mistakes.
What is good here, you ask?
And here’s the thing — you can practice on yourself.
The findings in this article apply not only to children.
And I have everything, thank you for your attention.