Being a teenager is not easy: young people and girls are extremely vulnerable and prone to emotional problems, frustration and even suicide. How to prevent these terrible events?
Leslie came to my first session of self-compassion with a negative attitude. She refused to sit down with everyone, stood against the wall, crossed her arms, narrowed her eyes, as if to say: «Don’t even try to make me participate in this.» I didn’t even try because I knew how it was.
As I meditated, I noticed that Leslie fidgeted in place and sighed heavily from time to time. By the end of the meditation, her face had changed. Anger and resistance dissipated, tears flowed down her cheeks. Sobbing, the girl said that she did not want to come: all her friends went to football, but her mother sent her to our lesson.
Throughout the story, we breathed with her, taking in the waves of her emotions (in the classroom we learn to accept and cope with any emotions, regardless of their strength). The lesson is over. Leslie rushed to the exit and disappeared through the door. All week I wondered if she would come next.
In Befriend Yourself: A Mindful Self-Compassion Program for Teenagers, we teach kids to be kinder to themselves. As self-compassion pioneer Christine Neff says, “Treat yourself like a good friend in trouble.” However, statistics show that 80% of us are more kind and compassionate to others than to ourselves. When friends are having a bad day, we support them in any way we can. But when we ourselves fail, we “finish off” ourselves with self-criticism.
Self-compassion protects teens from emotional trauma, peer harassment, depression, and low self-esteem
With teenagers, things are even more serious. In early adolescence, cognitive abilities develop, the child begins to carefully examine himself, resorts to severe self-criticism and, as a result, becomes insecure. Psychologist David Elkind introduced the concept of «imaginary audience»: teenagers feel that other people are studying them just as closely as they are themselves. That is why it is important to teach teenagers self-compassion.
It protects against emotional trauma, peer persecution, depression, low self-esteem, and self-mutilation. People with developed self-compassion are more motivated to develop than those who constantly criticize themselves. They recognize shortcomings and take responsibility for bad behavior, do not get stuck in selfishness and self-pity, but on the contrary, show more empathy for others.
Today, when the level of depression and suicide among teenagers is very high, teaching self-compassion is especially important. I have been teaching this for several years now and know the results first hand.
How to teach teenagers self-compassion
The Befriend Yourself course lasts 8 weeks. In our classes, we teach mindful art and movement practices, meditation to music, and short videos on important topics, such as how our brains change as we age. During the course, the guys learn to get rid of obsessive self-criticism and condemnation, to become kinder to themselves and accept themselves as they are.
Learning is based on three components of self-compassion:
- General humanity. Teenagers begin to realize that they are not alone. The feelings they experience — insecurity, alienation, sadness — are familiar to all teenagers, even if it doesn’t seem so from the outside. The reason for this is biology. Teenagers undergo brain changes that cause them to experience intense emotions. In the classroom, they learn that they are not to blame and that everything is in order with them.
- Awareness. When teenagers feel like they are about to be torn apart by a storm of emotions, we teach them to turn their attention to their feet and the sensations in them. When their thoughts start to drift away, we help them regain focus.
- Kindness to yourself. We suggest placing your palms on your heart, patting your cheeks, or hugging yourself, which releases feel-good hormones. We remind them that being a teenager is by definition not easy. It is important to stop at least for a moment, say a kind word to yourself or do something pleasant.
The psychological health of adolescents who have completed the course improves: they become less depressed and anxious
The main goal of the program is to let teenagers know that there is always a way to get rid of pain and get through the situation easier. Preliminary research shows that the psychological health of adolescents who complete our course improves: they become less depressed, tense and anxious.
As for Leslie, a week later she returned and became a regular participant in the course: she participated in group discussions, did all the exercises and felt like a part of the team. 8 months later, Leslie’s mom wrote me a letter. She asked if it would be possible to take our course at the high school where she works as a teacher. According to her, this course is necessary for every teenager.