How to teach girls to survive in a sexist world

In “Under Pressure” Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety Among Girls, I urge parents and teachers to recognize the challenges girls face and teach them how to confront these challenges for the sake of mental health.

One day Nika, a ninth grader, came to see me because she was suffering from insomnia and severe anxiety. Nika couldn’t sleep because she was worried about everything. She suffered from unfinished homework, “stupid posts” on social media, strained relationships with friends and because of the gymnastics section, which she did not like.

But one day the girl came to the reception, beaming with happiness. It turned out that she’d broken her leg and given a “real” reason to quit gymnastics, as if her worsening mental state wasn’t a good enough reason.

Society often implicitly or explicitly inspires girls that they should be liked by others and be “perfect” instead of taking care of themselves and following their dreams. If a girl stands up for herself and says “no”, at best she will be accused of inattention to others, at worst she will be called a bitch or a hysteric. To avoid such consequences, girls, as a rule, give in and silently agree. As a result, many feel the same as Nika: tense, overwhelmed, at odds with their desires and interests.

In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to teach girls how to survive sexism. Of course, it is important to win the long-term struggle and change the messages our culture instills in women of all ages. But in the current environment, we must help the rising generation of girls and teach them to resist the pressure they face. Here’s how we can do it.

1. Don’t force you to say “yes”

Influenced by a sexist culture, we feel we have to force girls to behave. If our daughters are rude or inconsiderate towards others, it will negatively affect both them and ourselves.

Of course, sometimes girls need to do something they don’t want to do, like visit a boring relative and be nice to them. Yet we often force them to do what should be a voluntary choice: join a sports team, invite someone out of courtesy to a party. Girls shouldn’t settle for things that make them unhappy. And we must seize the opportunity to teach them how to say no.

2. Talk about discrimination

Society evaluates strong women who express their opinion clearly and clearly by a completely different standard than men. A man who stands firm in his position will be considered pushy, while a woman will be called aggressive.

Girls and women who behave like “masculine” are often criticized or punished for it. In one study, scientists found out how company employees perceive women who behave as assertively as men. It turned out that colleagues considered them less competent and less valuable employees compared to men.

We must educate girls about the discrimination they may face. This will make it easier for them to decide when to be direct and assertive and when to be more flexible in order to get their needs met.

3. Don’t impose speech patterns

In the popular media, there are periodically articles that women apologize too often and undermine their authority, starting the phrase with the word “just …”. Not surprisingly, women’s advocates are urging women to give up such speech habits in order to sound more convincing. But when we ask girls and women to change the way they talk, it reinforces a dangerous idea. It turns out that men speak correctly, and women speak incorrectly.

We must not criticize the way women speak. We should admire the way women use speech to express empathy and consideration for the feelings of others. We need to recognize that they intuitively employ a complex set of linguistic strategies to turn people away without hurting their feelings or destroying relationships.

So don’t encourage girls to imitate boys in speech. Instead, help them analyze how they express themselves in different situations, depending on the goals of communication. This will help you choose words more carefully if necessary.

4. Help accept negative emotions

Girls get angry, sad and frustrated just like everyone else. But for them, these feelings can cause anxiety. Many girls think they shouldn’t feel this way and worry that they will be judged for it.

Parents may unwittingly exacerbate the problem if they discount girls’ negative experiences instead of trying to understand them. This happens to me too. Often at dinner, the daughter complains about some teacher or classmate. My reflex reaction in such cases is to say something like: “He must be going through a difficult period in his life. You have to be kind” or “Probably the teacher just has too much work to do.” Such redirection of attention devalues ​​the daughter’s feelings.

Of course, it is right to encourage kindness. But we should not inspire girls that they have no right to negative emotions. This will only undermine their ability to correctly recognize their own feelings. It is better to pay attention to their experiences, to let them talk and help to understand what these emotions mean.

5. Don’t Focus on Appearance

Girls and women face strong pressures regarding appearance. Our media is broadcasting a clear message: society values ​​women mainly for how they look, not for who they are.

Worries about appearance can undermine self-confidence. One study showed that commenting on a woman’s appearance can impair her cognitive function. The task of the parent is to show favorably such characteristics as intelligence, sense of humor, creativity or other inner qualities that a girl can consciously develop in herself.

Draw girls’ attention to the sexist cultural messages they hear. Show how the news focuses on the wardrobe of a female politician or the appearance of a popular singer, rather than talent and professional qualities. This will teach girls to recognize and resist discrimination.

Parents can also help girls to love their own bodies. Encourage participation in group sports where outstanding body beauty is not required. Learn to enjoy bodily sensations, such as hugging or applying scented body lotion.

We must stop raising girls who conform to others and help them fight against other people’s expectations. By preparing them to face discrimination, we will help them grow up to be happy, strong and independent women. We must teach them to go forward and not back down in the face of the difficulties that inevitably come along the way. Girls who learn to face their fears will find out just how brave they really are.

Source: greatergood.berkeley.edu