Target audience of the article: parents of preschool children (1-7 years old).
«Give! I want! I want it! I don’t want that! I will! I won’t do it! A-ah-ah!» — piercing screeching children’s cries are heard from all sides on the beach, where we relax with the family. Our children, a 6-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter, also sometimes behave no better — they are forgotten.
I watch the actions of the parents of screaming children, our peers. The most popular strategy, mostly used by grandmothers, is to “talk” the child and distract it. The child is taken in his arms, hugs, slows down, and at the same time says: «Oh, look, what a dog / cat / crow / uncle / aunt ran / flew / jumped, etc.»
The strategy works for very young children. The younger the child, the faster he is distracted. After 3 years, as a rule, the effectiveness of such persuasion is rapidly declining.
Then the second most frequent parental reaction follows: “Here, take whatever you want, just shut up!”. This option works great exactly until the moment when the capricious child wants another entertainment. That is 15-20 minutes.
More options: yell and give a slap. The child bursts into a frantic squeal, and the embarrassed parents, under the condemning glances of neighboring «vacationers», retreat before this sound attack, switching to strategy number 2.
The result: the gloomy faces of adults cursing the day when they came up with the bright idea of “having a vacation with the children”, and an absolutely relaxed, resting child to the fullest, the king on the throne, steering the situation as his right leg wanted.
How, under these conditions, can parents return power to their own hands? How to teach children to polite and calm format of expressing their desires?
The key to a successful teaching process is to remain calm. Calm, imperturbable, impenetrable, indifferent and so on. Choose your favorite word that reflects the meaning of a calm state in which reasonable decisions are made, devoid of emotional overtones. Say to yourself: “The baby is yelling — and this is normal. This is an indicator of his normal healthy mental and psychological development. Everything is going according to plan, as it should be.”
If you catch yourself in fear that others will judge you, turn your shoulders, correct your posture, lift your proud nose up and tell yourself: “I am the Author of my life. I am the King or Queen. And at the moment, it’s not just some child yelling, but the Royal Heir is uttering his royal cry. My loyal subjects will now have the honor of witnessing a lesson in royal manners and will be able to learn a lot from it for themselves!
Next, let’s proceed to the heir and the lesson of royal manners.
Sometimes you just have to agree. Namely, if my daughter wants to tell me something when I’m working and busy, she should put her hand on my arm. In response, without being distracted from my affairs, I put my hand on her palm — this is a signal to her that her mother heard her and she just needs to wait. The daughter is waiting, and I complete the business and turn to my daughter in a normal way. If I am completely busy, then I inform my daughter about this with a palm raised against her. The daughter understands.
Now. From the first strategy, we will take one good thing, it is also advised by coaches: when a person needs to be “knocked down” from negativity or from stubborn confrontation, he should be physically moved in space. We take the child in our arms and put it in some unexpected place. For example, on the beach, it may look like this: dad takes a squealing three-year-old, carries it to the sea and gently dips it into the water two or three times. After that, it becomes clear to the child that it is completely unprofitable to swear with dad. Dad needs to work together. And also with my mother.
Then the parents report in a calm voice that: “It is not customary to scream in our family. No one understands our screams, shrill speech is long and difficult to parse, so no one will do this. And if you, dear / th, want to ask something from dad and me, say it calmly and clearly, best of all with a smile and a straight back. If we consider it possible to satisfy your request, be kind / thank your parents joyfully and with a smile for this.
From the second strategy, I would take one useful thought into service: sometimes you really need to give the child what he screams for. But give it in advance, before the cry. The child may be naughty because he is hungry, thirsty, tired, feels physical discomfort. And a caring parent will take care of these things in advance. For example, if you’re going to the beach with kids, it’s wise to bring water, sunscreen, a towel, a change of dry clothes, something to eat, and a couple of toys. In my experience, a simple spatula with a bucket provides parents with an hour of serene rest.
At the initial stage of developing the skill of a polite request, when the child formulates a request for the first 5-6 times, it will be a good positive reinforcement to fulfill this request. And be sure to praise for the fact that the child expressed the request correctly. It is also important to track the moment of gratitude for the fulfillment of the request. «Where’s thanks mom?»
Then you can carefully try to refuse requests, achieving a calm reaction to non-fulfillment. I would recommend a 7:1 ratio. For seven completed requests, one refusal. Against the general background of successful interactions with parents, one unfulfilled request of the child does not upset.
Hint for parents: where do you get so many practice situations to ask for? Just stop offering anything to children without asking them. Do not offer them food or drink, for example. Start eating and drinking yourself, let them see and ask. If you and your husband want ice cream, buy it for yourself, but don’t offer it to your children, let them ask first. You go past the carousels — be silent. If they want to ride, let them ask. And let them ask in all cases politely, calmly and correctly. Be sure to use the magic word «please».
You know, it was nice to hear the words of a saleswoman in one of the kiosks: “For the first time I see children standing and calmly asking permission to take a toy. Everyone rushes to grab and play quickly.