Children, like adults, have reasons for resentment: for example, a classmate did not invite you to a birthday party or a friend blurted out a secret. They, too, get angry and suffer, often not realizing that it is enough to forgive. How can you help them come to this understanding? The psychologist explains.
Once I asked my three-year-old son what it means to forgive, and he answered with a kiss. But researchers invest in this concept a slightly different meaning than “excuse”, “spare”, “justify” or “reconcile”. To forgive means to make a decision to stop being indignant at injustice, to get rid of the desire to take revenge on the offender.
René van der Waal, a doctor of social and behavioral psychology, notes in a 2017 study report that children are more likely to seek to repay an offense in the same coin. Although revenge is risky, they feel it is a worthy response that will also serve as a warning to others. But the payoff is too expensive. A vindictive child becomes withdrawn, his peers shun him, he does not have friendly relations. The one who agrees to forgive usually succeeds in resolving the conflict and maintaining the friendship. Three tips to help build the “muscle” of forgiveness in children.
1. Form a model of forgiveness in the family. Van der Waal believes that the most important thing for children is to see generosity in the family. Parents can teach them by example. In 2008, a group of specialists led by Gregory Mayo conducted a study among 95 British families. Throughout the year, mothers, fathers, and children aged 12-16 answered questions about forgiveness twice. Parents who were merciful and indulgent towards their children at the beginning of the year, in most cases deserve the same attitude from the children at the end of the year.
This result confirms that children learn this skill through parental behavior, Mayo concludes. Children notice how we suffer from the pain caused by relatives and themselves. An annoyed brother throws harsh words, an absent-minded spouse ignores requests for help, a teenager gives out secrets that ruin relationships with best friends. In times like these, it’s hard to contain our emotions, but children are watching us, exploring the range of possible responses. After they saw you in this state, it is important to find the strength and say that you have decided to forgive everything.
Children who can control momentary impulses are more likely to forgive an offender than succumb to a reckless desire for revenge.
2. Develop the ability to recognize strong emotions from early childhood. Executive functions—the ability to retain information in the mind (working memory), focus on the important and restrain impulses (inhibition), think creatively, and switch between thinking styles (cognitive flexibility)—also play a significant role in the ability to forgive. Children who can restrain momentary impulses are more likely to forgive the offender than succumb to the desire for revenge. According to social psychologist Teela Pronk, developed executive functions help children control strong emotions. Children learn to manage their emotions through imitative play, Talia Goldstein and Matthew Lerner found in their study.
One hundred four-year-old children were randomly assigned to groups. Some had to imagine that the room was sticky or cold, play the role of a baby or a chef who cooks different dishes. Others were invited to play traditional games like building with bricks or listening to stories. The researchers then tested how the children manage their emotions: they asked how they felt when they heard someone was in trouble, or saw an aunt bruise her knee or cut her finger. It turned out that children from the group of imitators experienced less mental shock than those who played regular games.
How can parents help? Arrange games with dressing up in ridiculous costumes so that children turn on their imagination and imagine themselves as characters from a fantasy world. This is not just entertainment: this is how self-determination develops, the ability to feel in different roles, to be aware of different emotions. In addition, when they seethe with a thirst for retribution, you can show them the exercise “Self-preservation Break” — listen to your feelings, understand that peers hurt too, and become more forgiving to yourself. This is called a coping strategy, which helps to cope with stress and provides an opportunity to come to forgiveness.
3. Discuss why people harm others without malicious intent. Whether children are able to forgive depends largely on how they interpret the intentions of others. Psychologist Kathleen Peets writes that children are less likely to agree to forgive if they feel that their friends intentionally did something wrong. On the other hand, they are ready to forgive if they think that this did not happen on purpose.
A child who is not sure that he was harmed on purpose would do well to get advice from his parents, because this is the case when you can choose forgiveness. A recent study by the Dutch psychologist Anouk van Dijk examined the role of parents in shaping children’s attributive judgments of hostility, that is, the tendency to believe that they are offended on purpose rather than accidentally.
Children who make a conscious choice to forgive are freed from the burden of anger and revenge.
The video recorded how parents read picture books to children from 4 to 7 years old. The researchers found that the more often parents explained that the fairy tale character did this unintentionally, the less often the children saw enemies in others. In everyday life, one should not unambiguously interpret other people’s intentions. It would be great if parents helped their children look for possible explanations for why someone acted ugly. For example, “the boy took the swing because he didn’t know that you were also waiting for it to be free.” In this way, one can neutralize the tendency to believe that the world is evil incarnate.
All of the above does not mean that parents should teach the child to unconditionally forgive everything, because he will not be able to cope with the pain caused by relatives, friends or classmates. But children who make a conscious choice to forgive are freed from the burden of anger and revenge. Forgiveness does not mean hugging and kissing if you don’t want to.