Even with the peaceful separation of their parents, the children are shocked — their world has changed, nothing will be the same as before. The thought that the mother will have another man may frighten them or cause protest. What is the best way to explain to a child that your personal life did not end with a divorce?
Children react differently to their mother’s decision to move on with their lives. Someone will be angry, thinking that the mother is trying to replace their father with another man, someone will make friends with the new chosen one and maintain a warm relationship with him. In most cases, children do not understand what the words «I will date other men» mean. If we are talking about teenagers, the understanding will be as close to reality as possible, but if the child is ten years old or five? Coach Leila Balahan offers to figure it out.
1. Preschool children (1-5 years old)
Children don’t understand the terms boyfriend or partner, so it’s best not to focus on the romantic side of dating. You can say that you are going for a walk or meeting a friend.
2. Children of school age (6-10 years old)
They begin to better understand what is happening in your life, more often ask what you are doing when you leave. They are interested in who you see and how you spend your time. Answer the questions in more detail, but be careful with your choice of wording when talking about a new friend. Children still cannot distinguish between light sympathy and strong feelings, try to choose neutral definitions.
3. Children of high school age and adolescents (11 years and older)
At this age, children often begin to experience their first romantic feelings, so they already perceive divorce and the prospect of a new man in your life differently. You can say that you are going on a date. And while prepubertal children are not yet emotionally mature enough to appreciate the nuances of your love life, they are old enough to understand and accept your desire to find a new partner. The older your kids get, the easier it is to share your thoughts about dating and your plans for life after a divorce.
You should not introduce a new partner to children until you are sure that this is a serious and strong relationship and you see the future in the same way. Don’t change your kids’ routine because of dating. If you constantly postpone planned activities with children due to «going out», the children will feel unnecessary and at the same time they will begin to prejudice the man who will appear in your life in advance.
Be open with children. Although it is better not to rush to meet a new partner, it should not come as a surprise to children. They should know that you are dating. If they understand that you are in search of a new love, the appearance of a new chosen one in the house will not be a big shock. If you hide a new relationship until the last moment, it will most likely cause anger, resentment and misunderstanding.
Parents are often afraid to talk to their children about new relationships, the main advice is to be honest and patient. At first, children may be reluctant to accept the idea of having a new loved one. You can help them if you take your time and give them time to get used to the thought of possible life changes.