Anxiety for a loved one is a completely natural feeling, especially when he starts his health: he moves little, abuses harmful products and refuses to see doctors. Concerned about this behavior of her husband, the woman wrote a letter to clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg. The specialist explained why a person can behave this way and how to help him change.
I am very worried about what is happening to my husband. To be honest, patience is running out. We started dating back in college and got married right after graduation. We have two wonderful teenage children. I lead a healthy lifestyle: go in for sports, eat right, try to set a good example for children. But the husband treats his health in a completely different way — at least in recent years.
When we met, he was a runner, watched the weight, kept himself in good shape. Now he is over forty, and his own health is indifferent to him. He abandoned training, became addicted to fast food, although in his youth he did not understand how one could eat. My father has heart problems, and I know what the consequences of this lifestyle are, and therefore I try to convince my husband to resume classes, eat healthy foods, but he does not respond. Moreover: the spouse stopped undergoing annual medical examinations, insists that doctors only know how to find problems. Like, the less you know, the better you sleep.
Most likely, the husband has ceased to understand how important it is to take care of himself.
I can’t believe my husband has changed so much. It’s like he doesn’t care about me or the kids. It infuriates me. In my opinion, such an irresponsible attitude towards himself is just a way to show that he does not care how his behavior affects the family. Once he even mentioned that we would only win if something happened to him, because his life was insured for a decent amount. I’m sure he blurted it out in the heat of the moment: I’m not interested in his insurance, as long as he’s alive and well.
You might say it’s depression, but I don’t think so. Most likely, he has ceased to understand how important it is to take care of himself. I don’t know how to be. I try very hard to restrain myself, because scandals will definitely not lead to good. Please tell me how to deal with this before our family falls apart.
“Men are so afraid of hearing a diagnosis that they prefer to live in ignorance”
Your concern is not unfounded. You got married in the hope that you and your husband would live a long life and both be healthy. You thought that both of you would be a good example for the children. It is not surprising that such changes in the behavior of your husband upset you.
If you only knew how many women come to me with stories about their husbands not wanting to visit doctors and resent when they are offered to play sports. These men have a lot of excuses not to make an appointment with a doctor. I guess they are so afraid of hearing this or that diagnosis that they prefer to live in ignorance. The fear is quite common, and it drives wives crazy.
I will offer several possible solutions, although I assume that you have already tried such strategies.
First, choose the right time to talk. Discuss the need to go to the doctor when you are both calm and no one can hear you. Let your husband know that the whole family is worried about him, everyone wants him to be happy and healthy. Explain that his life is much more expensive than insurance payments.
Try to find out what caused his resistance. Perhaps he is embarrassed that he has recovered
Secondly, offer to go to the examination together. If he is not satisfied with the family doctor, you can look for another. Try to find out what caused his resistance. Perhaps he is embarrassed that he has gained weight, or does not want to look like a loser who has not passed the “medical exam”. Invite him to play sports together and cook healthy meals. The main thing is that you yourself want to support it, and not «nag».
If you have already tried all this, and your husband is still resisting, you should ask one of your close friends or relatives to talk heart to heart with him. There is hope that they will be able to get through to him.
If time passes, and the changes are still not visible, you will have to tell your husband that his disregard for himself is killing your feelings and threatening your union. It remains to be hoped that he will want to behave differently when he himself understands what a careless attitude to health can turn out to be for him and those who are dear to him. After all, he is an adult capable of taking responsibility for his actions.
Barbara Greenberg is a clinical psychologist and former department head at a psychiatric hospital in New York.