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This is one of the most burning questions. He worries both moms and dads, but dads, probably, still more.
“Life is cruel,” the men say. — It is necessary to break through with a fight, and we have a slobber growing.
Moreover, as a rule, those fathers who themselves did not know how to stand up for themselves in childhood, and in adulthood do not painfully resemble Rimbaud or James Bond, are indignant about filial slobbering. However, it is understandable. We all want our children not to repeat our mistakes and to be happier than us.
Visiting the Snow Queen
Not all children successfully learn self-defense lessons. Many are even more constrained because they cannot overcome fear and, moreover, they are afraid of displeasing the pope. That is why they prefer to complain less about the offenders, hide their feelings, stop trusting their parents, alienate themselves from them. This gives rise to even greater problems, because, losing support in the face of adults, the child feels his complete defenselessness. And if he is also naturally timid, fear of the world can become panicky.
Hera looked like an enchanted boy from a fairy tale. It was as if the Snow Queen had doused him with her icy breath and frozen him forever. Pale, with an expressionless face, unresponsive, he sat silently next to his mother and showed no interest in toys. Only his eyes were blue with two narrow pieces of ice, but neither joy nor curiosity was reflected in them. Only at the approach of other children did fear flicker in them.
“They beat him, but he doesn’t even dare to run away,” my mother said. — Stands like an idol. And then he tells me that his legs have grown to the floor. But he is a head taller than his peers and weighs one and a half times more. I gave it to the garden. I thought it would get tougher. So there was one boy there, a year younger, who had neglected him so much — he had to be taken away. For two weeks we went to the garden in total, and now we can’t move away from what happened for three months. Screams at night, does not leave me during the day. He stopped communicating with the children altogether. Previously, at least in the yard he played with someone, but now you can’t even pull him out into the street.
Just a little — right in the nose
There is another extreme. It can be difficult for children who are used to just throwing themselves at offenders with their fists to get along in a team. They are quickly labeled hooligans, and then often followed by expulsion from the kindergarten. Well, if parents still manage to persuade the administration not to expel their child, a vacuum will form around him. They prefer not to contact him. And to feel like a rabid dog, which is feared and hated, I assure you, is not very pleasant. Rejected people become embittered, their desire for revenge grows. This generates reciprocal hatred, and so on ad infinitum. By school, a child may develop a strong belief that there are only enemies around, and this is a direct path to depression, which in adolescence is sometimes even fraught with suicide.
“Styopa played well with the children, but we didn’t like that he was more inclined to obey,” says Svetlana. — They will take away the bucket from him, he does not protest. They will ask for a machine — they will give it. The husband looked at it, looked, and then began to teach him: “If something is taken away from you, don’t stand on ceremony. Give me a blow in the nose, and everyone will fall behind.
Everyone is really behind. And they even asked Svetlana to walk with Styopa somewhere else. Fortunately, there was a park next to the house, and there was enough space. Fortunately, Svetlana did not wait until adolescence, but tried to quickly make amends for the results of her father’s pedagogy. True, she did not succeed immediately: the boy began to get a taste, he liked that everyone was afraid of him. The only thing that saved the situation was that, by nature, Styopa was mild-mannered. What if the seeds fell on better prepared soil? If, say, he was highly competitive, touchy, aggressive? It is easy to unbrake a child, but it is much more difficult to reverse the process.
Don’t make a big deal out of molehills
But how to be? Reflecting on this, it seems to me that it is important to separate two points: the attitude towards the situation of the child himself and the attitude of the parents. And ask: is the situation so dramatic in the eyes of your son or daughter? Is it true that they are offended, humiliated, suppressed? Or is it that some long-standing grievances have stirred up in you yourself, and you involuntarily attribute your ideas about life to children? Unfortunately, this is often the case.
Why «Unfortunately»? — Yes, because an inferiority complex is laid in children in this way. If an adult had not fixed on some petty injustice committed in relation to his child, he, perhaps, would not have noticed anything. Well, pushed… well, teased… well, not accepted into the game… Who doesn’t happen to? They didn’t accept it now, but in half an hour they will. Two minutes ago you were pushed, and in another two minutes you will rush somewhere headlong and also accidentally push someone … Children’s grievances are usually unstable and quickly disappear. Quite often, yesterday’s enemy becomes the best friend, and vice versa.
But when adults fixate on an insult, it acquires a qualitatively different status, as if it receives official recognition. But some parents do not just focus the attention of the child on trifling grievances. They also stamp them with the terrible word “humiliation”. I remember one mother in a half-hour conversation repeated ten times that her boy was “humiliated” at school. And it was only meant that the teacher made comments to him in front of the guys and finally sent him to a separate desk, because he fussed, distracting the neighbors.
No, of course, there is also real humiliation when «cool» classmates or cruel teachers really poison the objectionable. But often adults inflate an elephant out of a fly, and this only harms their child, because along with the “fly” (a trifling insult), his pride is inflated. And inflated, hypertrophied self-esteem prevents a person from building relationships with others normally. He looks for a catch in everything, flashes like a match, at the slightest careless word spoken to him. Watch people who are fixated on upholding their own dignity. Do they have many friends? Resentment is generally a very bad, harmful feeling. It corrodes the soul, awakens in it anger, envy, hatred.
Words and images
Judge for yourself what an adult tells the child implicitly, instilling in him the idea of the “cruelty of the world” and the need to “break through with a fight”? — The child begins to feel in the enemy’s camp. And since the world is big and the child is small, he does not feel and cannot feel the strength to conquer the whole world. Therefore, some children develop fears, while others develop aggressiveness, in the depths of which the same fear is hidden.
For normal development, it is absolutely necessary for a child to believe that the world is good. Yes, it can contain individual inclusions of evil, but it is inclusions that are rare and certainly overcome by good. Otherwise, fear paralyzes the child, slows down his intellectual and emotional development. It is not for nothing that even children who have survived a living hell: war, natural disasters, the loss of loved ones, subconsciously strive to forget, to force out nightmarish experiences. And indeed, they forget a lot over time, switching to more joyful, brighter impressions. Otherwise, they will not have the strength to continue to live.
And here it’s not just anyone, but their own parents, whose word weighs much more for a small child than the words of all other people, knock out support from under him, undermine his ideas about the kindness and justice of the world around him. Instead of protecting his son from offenders, the father, on the one hand, inflates fears in him, and on the other, deprives the baby of self-esteem, calling him a slobber. After that, it is rather naive to expect any positive changes in the behavior of a timid child.
Protect until he can protect himself
It is essential to protect children. Of course, you should not be like squabblers who, for any reason, run to “swing rights” to school, kindergarten, and the yard. But to leave a child defenseless (and even reproach him with the fact that he cannot stand up for himself!) adults simply do not have the right. After all, this is the most natural betrayal.
Believe me, if a child could deal with offenders without outsiders, he would do it with pleasure. No one wants to feel weak and cowardly. As soon as he gathers his strength, he will no longer need your help. In the meantime, it is the duty of the parents to provide him with reliable protection.
In the end, we, too, do not always cope with our offenders on our own, and in some cases we resort to the help of the police. How would you look at the policemen, who, when asked to protect you from unbridled bandits, would answer:
What are your fists for? Protect yourself as best you can. A person must be able to stand up for himself.
Do you think it is unreasonable to compare small unbridled hooligans with big ones? But your child is also small. And for him, Petka and Kolka, who terrorize the yard, are just as terrible as they are real terrorists for you.
Remove from traumatic environment
If a son or daughter is regularly offended in kindergarten, it is necessary to talk with the teachers. Remember: the administration of the children’s institution that your child attends is legally responsible for his physical and mental health. Therefore, educators are obliged to monitor the psychological climate in the group, appease fighters, and not allow one child to tease others.
You will say: “Yes, now all the children are terribly aggressive. It’s the same everywhere, they fight everywhere.»
Let me disagree with you. It all depends on the adults. If adults allow children to unbelt, they will, of course, stand on their heads. If not, then any, even the most ill-mannered boys, will eventually learn to do without fights and insults.
Two kindergartens or two schools located across the road from each other can be as different as heaven and earth. In «zero» my youngest son got into an environment of constant fights. At first, he didn’t understand what was going on. In the classroom, not only boys fought desperately, but also girls. Once I came for Felix, I saw a scene from an action movie in the locker room. A fat girl, using karate techniques, drove some, also quite well-fed boy into a corner and threateningly waved her leg in front of his nose. The boy leaned against the wall in horror. The teacher, who could see all this perfectly, calmly talked with the nurse.
Then I was told that my child was somehow not like that, uncommunicative, almost autistic: everyone was fighting — and he was reading a book.
“Yes, you should be glad that you have at least one person not fighting,” I was indignant.
“No,” the “teacher” frowned disapprovingly. — It’s still a mess. Other children are discharged, energy is dumped, and yours is sitting on the sidelines.
To be honest, we were in trouble. The school seemed to be in good standing, and then all of a sudden this happened. In the evenings, the son kept saying that he would not go there again, because there were all fools and fighting cocks. And although he was not offended (the husband spoke strictly with the bullies and their parents), he still felt terribly uncomfortable there. Felix was very sociable from childhood, got along well with children of different ages, but somehow he was not used to “communication” through his fists. And among classmates it really was such a form of communication.
Realizing that we could not count on teachers, and being still mentally unprepared to change schools, we racked our brains in search of a way out. Suddenly, the child himself found a way out. As a matter of fact, he did what smart educators should have done: he turned the fight into a game. Out of desperation, people sometimes come up with brilliant ideas. At some point, unable to bear the stupidity of these daily carnage any longer, Felix suggested:
— Let’s be boxers in the ring, and I’m the referee.
They were taken aback and agreed. I liked the game. Felix cheered up, although he still hated school.
Then we still transferred it to another. And although it is two stops from the previous one, the orders here are diametrically opposed. In this new school, it is appreciated when a child loves to read. Also, no one fights here.
“Someone would try to start a fight with us!” I would immediately go to the office of the head teacher, — Felix grins.
And if they poison everywhere?
Often it is enough to change the kindergarten or school, and the question of how to protect yourself from offenders is removed by itself. But if a child, wherever he goes, turns out to be a victim of fighters, then it’s not just about the team. Most likely, there is something in him that provokes offenders.
Parents tend to believe that he is afraid of everyone, and children, like dogs, smell fear. And, of course, they attack the weak.
According to my observations, this is not the case. Weak, but quiet, non-conflict children are usually not offended. Stable aggression is provoked by «splintered» children. The ones who bully themselves and then run to complain. And you need to teach them not so much to fight back as to get along with others: do not envy, do not be offended, do not pretend to be a permanent leader, treat the guys kindly, do not be sarcastic, etc.
Mom came to us for the first consultation without her son, and when we later saw fourteen-year-old Andrey in class, we got the impression that it was a completely different person. In the description of his mother, he was an innocent victim, hounded by classmates and absolutely unable to fend for himself. A completely different picture unfolded before our eyes. Yes, Andrew really was not a brave man. He easily passed and, like a snail, hid in his shell. He even pressed his head into his shoulders to appear smaller and more inconspicuous. But a little emboldened, this «innocent victim» began, like a burdock, to cling to the guys. Unkind lights lit up in narrowed eyes, and he began to tease, tease, harass the guys with passion, unmistakably choosing the most vulnerable of them. Of course, we didn’t let him turn around at full power, but the guys and what they saw was enough to take up arms against him.
Everything was in full view. The most difficult thing remained: to change the stereotypes of Andryushin’s behavior and his relationship with children. I will not describe in detail the course of our work, I will only say that, firstly, we did a lot to help the boy to become liberated. He really was very constrained, distrustful, did not believe in his own strength. And on the other hand, we had to make a lot of efforts to change his attitude towards people for the better. His mother’s view of his son as a victim of injustice did him a very disservice. During his fourteen years, Andryusha managed to make sure that he was the most unfortunate person in the world. And if so, then why should he pity someone, sympathize with someone? Over time, Andrey straightened up a little, his face brightened, his eyes no longer look like slits and they look not evil, although a little wary. He has a truce with the guys, but they are in no hurry to invite him to the company. He still has a lot to understand in order to finally get rid of the victim complex in himself.
Victory over fear
But how can you overcome the fear of offenders? After all, it is one thing when a person does not give back out of nobility, and another when he is simply a coward. Cowardice, of course, must be overcome.
My experience of communicating with children shows that fear is overcome more easily if the child rebuffs the enemy not for his own sake, but in defense of someone weak. This is a more effective stimulus, since the feeling of compassion drowns out fear. The child is distracted from his experiences, and it becomes easier for him to overcome himself. Working according to our methodology, Irina Medvedeva and I first give the children the opportunity to experience the victory over the offender in theatrical sketches. By playing them, the child learns to resist the attackers, and this mental training then helps him in life. Most often, I repeat, in sketches he defends not himself, but some kid, a new one, who has come to kindergarten for the first time, or a girl who is offended by mischievous boys. However, then we still lead the child to a peaceful resolution of the conflict, we try to gradually awaken in him sympathy, interest, and, most importantly, pity for the enemy.
Pity is generally the most reliable weapon in the fight against fear. You can’t be afraid of those you pity. After all, in order to regret, you need to feel very strong. People pity only the weaker ones. That is why it is sometimes so difficult for us to pity and forgive our parents: even the old and infirm, they still have power over us, they seem to us stronger than us. That is why Christ felt sorry for everyone, even those who crucified him. He was spiritually the strongest man on earth, the God-man. So if you want your child to be able to fight back offenders, develop a sense of compassion in him. This is much more important than teaching him a little something — immediately giving change.
Although the techniques of struggle also does not interfere with mastering. Just not for preschoolers. They are still incapable of real self-defense, and wushu and other activities will only warm up their aggressiveness. But in adolescence, this is already an urgent need. You never know what trouble the boy can get into? We will not lead him by the hand all his life.
And here, in my opinion, there is a strong bias. Parents of preschoolers and younger schoolchildren are most concerned about children’s self-defense. And by the senior school age, the severity of the problem seems to be smoothed out: the guys gradually unlearn how to resolve disputes with their fists, the offended ones stop complaining, and it seems to the parents that everything has settled down.
But in reality, the conflict deepens. It is in adolescence, when the child psychologically matures to overcome his cowardice (and even longs to test himself, to prove to everyone that he is not a weakling), adults begin to intensively sow fears in him, intimidating him with an army. As a result, many guys are afraid of her like fire. They are not afraid to become drug addicts (and they are!), but they are afraid to get into the army. Although drug addicts die much more than soldiers.
It turns out that at an age when many children are still physically and psychologically unable to protect themselves, we do not protect them, saying that they must do it themselves. When they become ready for independent action, we again deprive them of the ability to resist, without giving them the necessary skills and abilities. But how can one seriously say that a young man is able to stand up for himself if he doesn’t even know how to shoot? After all, adult life can be cruel sometimes. This is not a kindergarten, where you get off with a maximum of a couple of bruises …
How can you help your child build relationships with classmates?
It is the family that provides the child with a certain level of intellectual development and instills communication skills. Of course, parents cannot directly influence the situation that has developed in the team. But often they notice before teachers that their child is uncomfortable in the classroom, that he has a bad relationship with classmates. In this case, it is necessary to take immediate action — it is better to go and talk about the disturbing symptoms with the class teacher in order to dispel doubts than to allow the situation to get out of control. In such a situation, parents turn to the school psychologist for help. See →
If a child is teased at school
The child is teased at school. It does not matter what exactly was the reason for this for classmates — tall or, on the contrary, short stature, some other lack of appearance, a character trait, and so on. «Teasers», offensive nicknames, constant ridicule hurt the child, especially if he is naturally vulnerable and shy. There are times when this situation gets out of control and becomes irreversible. The child perceives school only as a place where he is subjected to bullying. This can affect his self-esteem, academic performance and, ultimately, his state of mind.
What should parents do in this case? What to do if your child is teased by classmates, if because of ridicule he does not want to go to school? See →