How to teach a child to make an effort

We live in an era of instant results, short-lived achievements, random victories. Pop stars flash brightly and immediately go out, sports idols take off on a pedestal and leave it just as quickly, TV show participants become millionaires in one evening …

Success seems to be the result of luck and the ability to charm others, and not the fruit of work, perseverance and patience. And we ourselves are increasingly behaving as if we are sitting in front of the TV: we don’t like something, it doesn’t work out, we immediately switch to other activities, relationships, feelings …

Our children easily adopt this style of behavior, because the basis of the child’s psyche is the principle of pleasure, the immediate satisfaction of desires. How to convince them that it takes time and concentrated work to achieve results?

What is the effort for?

To make an effort means to overcome resistance, external or internal, in order to cope with a difficulty that has arisen or achieve an intended goal. When a child tries and as a result achieves what he wants, he becomes more independent and self-confident, because he can be proud of himself: “I did it, although it was not at all easy!”

At such moments, his idea of ​​time also changes. An adult is able to plan, structure his time and foresee what the result of his work will be. The child lives in the present. When he makes an effort to achieve a result, he goes beyond the momentary perception of reality.

Gradually, he learns to anticipate the results of his efforts — «I will make an excellent elephant out of this plasticine» — and look forward to the pleasure that they will give him — «Mom will definitely like the elephant!» And then the children come to the realization that there is a future and what it will be depends on them. So the result — joy and pride on the mother’s face at the sight of a plasticine elephant — is worth the effort, and this inspires optimism and encourages creativity!

Why is it so difficult to instill in him diligence?

In order to teach a child to make an effort, efforts are also required from adults. But it is not easy for us to be consistent, especially if, after a working day, traffic jams and shopping, we have to ensure that the child puts things in order in his room, finishes his homework, walks with the dog. After all, you have to demand, explain, persuade, encourage …

It is much easier to save time and effort and put away toys and clothes instead. Understanding perfectly well that the world around them is not always welcoming, parents create a kind of protective cocoon around their daughter or son — sometimes too dense!

The child needs protection and emotional support, but this cocoon must gradually become more permeable to the world. One of the tasks of parents is to explain to the child how this world works: in order to get something, you need to make an effort.

How to motivate him?

Often we try to get our kids to behave “right” by shaming them. But this method is inefficient. By pointing out to the child only his mistakes, we make him feel guilty. He begins to think that he is not capable of doing something really well, and eventually stops trying: why be diligent if it still doesn’t work out?

Effort is easier to apply if you see a clear goal and an attractive «bonus» at the end of the case. Learning to read is easier when you really want to know how the story about Moomintroll ends. There is an incentive to understand the notes in order to record your own ringtone on your mobile. You will be able to speak English faster if you are called to communicate in an English-language chat …

Children like to overcome difficulties, at such moments they feel more mature and independent … But when we insist on regular classes, it is important to remember: a child develops only when he does what he really likes. If he refuses to “work”, try to figure out the reasons for the strike: perhaps swimming or choral singing simply does not fascinate him, and laziness and restlessness have nothing to do with it.

Do you always need to explain why effort is important?

Explanations are needed when we ask a child for something for the first time or he actively resists our requests: “You must brush your teeth, otherwise they will hurt.” Children feel calmer if we are consistent in our requirements and they are clearly formulated.

That is why daily rituals are so important: to collect a school bag in the evening, to make a bed in the morning … The child must understand what exactly and why he needs to do it, otherwise he feels annoyance, impotence and protest. It is difficult to accept the reproach: “You never help around the house!” Unless you’ve been asked for anything in particular.

What if he doesn’t make it?

Children also need negative experiences — of course, provided that nothing threatens their life and health. For psychological growth and development, they need to accumulate experience in overcoming their own failures. Allowing them to face the consequences of their actions or inactions helps them mature. Doing lessons for the child out of fear that he will receive a bad mark, we deprive him of the opportunity to know the reaction of the world to his actions.

And he needs to lead by example. Only small children try to behave as their parents tell them — they need to feel that they are loved, approved. At an older age, the child strives to be like someone he appreciates and respects, so his behavior is influenced by the personal example of mom and dad. “I myself do not like to peel potatoes, but you and I adore casserole! So we should work up a little: you clean, I bake!”

How to help him in failure?

Help me understand what exactly didn’t work. Together with a small child, we perform a movement that he has not yet succeeded in, for example, climbing stairs. When he grows up, we teach him to analyze why his efforts failed. Maybe the task was too difficult? Or should it have been done differently?

It is important to be patient and avoid generalizing criticism, for example: “Of course you didn’t succeed, because you again …” Why should he try another time if he has already been written down as a loser?

With a trusting relationship with his parents, he can be sure that in response to the story of his failures he will not hear: “I knew it!”, “I warned you.” The best consolation for the one who has suffered defeat is an appeal to his feelings, respect for his personality and unconditional acceptance.

Small effort becomes big

The attitude of the child to the need to put effort into something changes as he grows up, explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Malishevskaya.

Early childhood: in some situations, the child willingly tries, makes efforts, especially when he wants to imitate his parents. In other cases, he needs incentives: to put on a coat himself, repeat a difficult word, build something from a designer … He is motivated by the desire to please his parents, earn their approval and receive confirmation of their love. He really likes to demonstrate his independence, to show what he already knows how to do: “I myself!”

Childhood: the child grows up, he still wants to please his parents, but this group of people important to him already includes his friends, teacher, older children … He is ready to make an effort, but he still does not know how to manage his time well: he often needs to be reminded that it’s time to do your homework or take an evening shower.

Adolescence: peer approval becomes much more important to him than what his parents think and say. Doing nothing can be a way for him to delimit his personal time and space. He should be reminded of what important goals for him he may lose if he does not make efforts for them.