How to tame other people’s bad habits?

“Habits are repetitive actions with which we mark our lives,” explains family therapist Maria Dyachkova. – We drink coffee in the morning, and this custom reassures us, saying that everything is in order, there are no threats, that we are on our own wave. The brain recognizes it as a routine, as an ordinary situation. When this or a regular action is performed, it is a signal for us that everything in our life is predictable and safe – the way we thought of ourselves. Habits structure our lives. And vice versa: when something interferes with our constant ritual, some external forces invade, for us it is a signal of danger and stress.

Society has broken down human habits. There are only two shelves – “useful” and “harmful”. But in this simplification lies the danger of labeling and making a strategic mistake, says Maria Dyachkova. After all, the criteria for harmfulness are very vague, and the benefit may even be where we did not expect to find it.

The secret meaning of smoking breaks and being late

Drinking alcohol, smoking breaks, being late, talking on personal topics in the office, and even the habit of taking sick leave for the slightest ailment are often considered harmful. How to define “harmful”? Maria Dyachkova asks. “Sometimes you don’t understand right away whether this habit is harmful or useful. For example, systematic delays. But the question arises: is it a habit? In fact, it is a manner, manipulation. Thus, people attract attention to themselves, and sometimes even express aggression.

Yes, you can fight it: deduct money from your salary, punish with deprivation of bonuses. And employees, out of fear of being fined, will run headlong to work. Or they can say differently: “Everyone dances! Deprive me of my earnings, since you have already decided, I won’t go to work today at all. ” And then it’s worth looking deeper: what is the colleague really trying to say by being late?

A good leader will try to see a resource even in harmful habits at first glance.

“In coaching, we adhere to the fact that all people are good and come from the best of intentions,” explains executive coach Natalie Mozhzhanova. – A person does something to make himself or his team feel good. His motive can and should be studied.” If you respond automatically – “Punish!”, Then the subordinates will perceive this as violence and will not cause a desire to conduct a constructive dialogue, but resistance.

“In one company that I consulted, the lawyer often went out to smoke during the day, which caused dissatisfaction with the financial director,” Natalie Mozhzhanova gives an example. — The conflict reached its climax, and the manager intended to fire a colleague. In the conversation, it turned out that the smoke break is the only opportunity for a non-smoking lawyer to discuss common problems with the sales staff. Usually those in the workplace call, write. Now that the true reasons for frequent smoke breaks were found out, it was possible to offer another, more environmentally friendly form of communication between a lawyer and salespeople. And the conflict was removed.

On the other hand, the employer “orders the music”, and he has the right to set rules and boundaries. There are professional commitments, corporate ethics and business objectives.

“People with a huge number of habits that do not coincide with the generally accepted code will not hold out in a corporate environment. And there are two options: either I push the boundaries of my habit, or I honestly admit that I am not ready for flexibility. For example, I am a night owl and have difficulty getting up at 10 am. And in my company, the working day starts at 10, – explains Maria Dyachkova, – You can try to rearrange your schedule (any mother knows how quickly babies turn us from owls into larks). If this mode of operation is optimal for the efficiency and business processes of the corporation, and I am not ready, then I will have to look for another place with a more flexible schedule. But no leader will allow employees to dictate the rules of the business.”

As traffic rules are needed on the road, so the company needs “double solid”, which are marked and observed by everyone. Otherwise, you should not drive.

Cunning wise boss

When a new leader joins an already established team, he inevitably faces the fact that he will be compared with his predecessor, Natalie Mozhzhanova believes. And all projections will “fly” at him – claims, expectations, resentments against “that guy”. It is important for him, as a person who stands above and sees more, to understand what the habits of his new “old team” are connected with.

“Any behavior always has an explanation. If employees have private conversations while at work, they may be underutilized. Or, on the contrary, the load is so great that a person begins to choke in tasks and falls into a stupor. Or people are bored. Or they are offended by inattention, a low assessment of their work and a small salary. Or maybe a person has simply grown out of his position and it is high time for him to be promoted or to a new job site. It is desirable for the incoming leader to understand the true motives of his subordinates.

There is such a motto: “You can not stop the process – lead it.” Often managers try to stop “bad habits”. For example, ban smoking. “Fixing people is a utopia. They will still smoke, steal, gossip, chat at work, says Maria Dyachkova. – But you can allocate a place equipped for smokers from the master’s shoulder. Leaders can be cunning.”

In one company, they could not get rid of obscene words that had become firmly established in everyday life and began to pop up even in communication with customers. It became noticeable to interfere with the work. The head, who himself is not averse to inserting a strong word, issued a “decree”: from now on, everyone who, while in the office, uses a mat, pays 50 rubles. A large aquarium was placed in the reception area to raise funds. Within the first week, the container was filled to the brim. In the second week, the tank was only half full. By the end of the third week, there were only a few notes. The collected funds were given to a charitable foundation, and they stopped swearing in the company (during working hours).

“A habit is developed in 21 days. There is such an exercise, and we often use it in training, – says Maria Dyachkova. – We put an elastic band on the left hand and declare that from this day on we give up such and such a habit and replace it with another. For example, we do not read messages on social networks or drink alcohol, switching to books and tea. If we break down, then we click the rubber band on the hand and change it to the right hand, and the countdown starts from zero. Etc. Quite often, our members manage to get through three weeks on their first try, and the new habit kicks in.”

Think differently

But the most “harmful” habit for ourselves is to think in a strictly defined way, says Natalie Mozhzhanova. “As a coach, I am approached with requests by managers who want their life to be harmonious, and the work of the team to be more efficient, but this cannot be achieved. When analyzing the causes, we meet with repetitive attitudes. And if a person wants to change something in his life, then you need to at least realize these attitudes.

Here is a list of the main stereotypes of employee thinking.

• We tend to think that management should always tell us what to do. But the habit of thinking like that reduces the initiative.
• The habit of always waiting for evaluation from management. If it is not, then it affects the efficiency of labor. Habit variant: if there is an assessment, it will certainly be negative.
• They do not understand me when I come to the leadership with my suggestions and ideas. Or they never support me.
• Any change is bad. The new boss is bad.

“The modern world is called the VUCA world (an acronym for the English words volatility (instability), uncertainty (uncertainty), complexity (complexity) and ambiguity (ambiguity). The VUCA world (a term proposed by the US military) is a world in which chaos reigns, variability, speed “, – explains Natalie Mozhzhanova, – It is flexible, rapidly changing, unstable. It is necessary every time to look at a familiar problem in a new way. With the same approach to work and ossified habits, it is impossible to remain effective today. “

Sometimes it is useful to look at yourself through the eyes of others, to put yourself in their place. For example, it suddenly turns out that when we offer a new idea to management, we accuse in form and tone, and no one will like it – so our idea flies into the trash. “And we are working on how to reformulate the thought. How to say so that the other side hears and accepts? We pull the habit out of the automaton into awareness, change it and train it.”

This is an effective tool: every time to be aware, but as I say now. Check and change wording. Thus a new habit of speaking is developed. The favorite “talk about others” template should be replaced with the “talk about yourself” template. This is the so-called “I-message”. Our machine gun wants to fire the phrase “Don’t you see that there can be good options here?” (in this case, the interlocutor involuntarily takes a defensive position and does not hear you). Instead, we say: “I would like to know other options, let’s discuss them.” The tension is removed, and the interlocutor becomes an ally, whose opinion is important.

The habit of a conscious decision, the habit of analyzing, asking yourself questions: what is happening to me, why I react this way and how I can change something – this is a powerful resource, especially in an era of change.