“We are so busy all the time that we stopped talking to each other at all”, “every conversation turns into a quarrel”, “we seem to have become strangers to each other” – psychologists hear such phrases too often. Unfortunately, in a couple, mutual misunderstanding accumulates over time, alienation grows. Attempts to change something often end in failure.
Don’t forget that you chose each other for a reason. Believe me – your partner is most likely driven by good intentions. So it will be easier for you to understand the true reasons for his discontent, and not to assume the worst.
Renowned research psychologist John Gottman claims that the first three minutes of a conversation almost always determine how it ends. This is worth remembering when you are going to discuss a painful topic with a partner.
To do this as tactfully as possible, try to talk mostly about yourself, and not about your partner, tell about your feelings and experiences, reactions to his behavior. Think about the aspirations behind your complaints.
For example, if you are unhappy with the fact that you spend little time together, express it in the form of a wish: “I really want to spend more time with you together – and that nothing distracts us.”
“In order to understand each other well, you need to really know your partner, understand how he expresses his love and accepts yours. Each of you should take care of the needs of the other and emotionally try to give more than receive,” explains Emily Phan.
Try to understand the person you are talking to, define exactly what you want to achieve, and clearly outline your needs and expectations.
Psychologist and author Gary Chapman describes so-called love languages in his books. Chapman argues that your partner is likely to appreciate the attentions much more if you express them in his “love language”.
A simple example: your wife is worried about the fact that you do not spend enough time together. If you give her flowers, she will certainly appreciate your gesture, but it will not really mean anything to her.
Sometimes it is necessary to discuss with your partner the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is completely unacceptable for you. Unfortunately, we often avoid such unpleasant conversations until the problems in the relationship reach the “boiling point”. It is important to think through everything in advance, conduct a dialogue tactfully and carefully, without setting ultimatums.
“It is possible that you may feel guilty about being “selfish,” but remember that you have the right to set your own boundaries,” emphasizes Emily Phan.
Try to correctly explain to your partner your true needs.
Almost all of these recommendations can be applied in relations with relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors. Just consider the context – for example, in a more formal relationship, it is inappropriate to talk about your experiences and you should limit yourself to facts and observations.
Try to understand the person you are talking to, define exactly what you want to achieve, and clearly outline your needs and expectations. By following these rules, you can better understand each other and strengthen relationships with any person.