Sooner or later, each of us loses a loved one. And this event, terrible and painful in itself, frightens even more when we have to talk with children. How to discuss the topic of death, support the child and try to make this experience less traumatic for him, says psychologist Maria Teresa Dell’Erba (Maria Teresa Dell’Erba).
Why is this topic so scary for adults?
Everyone knows the fear of death. This is something that is hard to live with, and in many societies it is taboo to discuss the topic of death with children and adolescents. Often, adults, experiencing a loss, do their best to isolate children from such severe pain and either do not inform them at all about the death of a loved one, or they are not allowed to attend a farewell ceremony, or they try to take them somewhere far away from home to give them an opportunity to be distracted. In fact, such decisions to protect children seem to negate death and suffering.
Most parents believe that children — regardless of age — are too young to realize what happened and take part in funerals and commemorations, that they are too sensitive and vulnerable to accept this tragedy. In fact, adults feel helpless, they are afraid of the child’s reaction, they are afraid to make some kind of mistake that will make the child suffer even more or lead to unpredictable consequences in the future. Unfortunately, it is not in our power to isolate a child from the pain of loss and irreparable changes that the loss of a loved one entails, but we can be there and support them, trying to make this experience a little less traumatic.
Death in the minds of children
The main thing to consider in order to build a conversation on this topic and convey to the child what death is, this is his developmental phase: it is obvious that children of different ages have different perceptions and ideas about death. The following steps can be distinguished:
- Until the age of 3, children do not understand that death means the end of life, that it is irreversible. They perceive it as a dream, as a temporary separation;
- from 3 to 6 years old, death still seems to children like a dream, a departure or a journey. However, they believe that their hostile words or thoughts can cause real harm. And, for example, saying to someone in the hearts “I’m so angry, leave me! I want you to disappear!» and the imminent death of this person may seem interconnected and cause a terrible feeling of guilt, the certainty that this happened because of their careless phrase that they are responsible for it;
- for children from 6 to 9 years old, death is a kind of ghost, an evil spirit, an angel of death, which takes away mainly the elderly. At this age, children begin to understand that such a phenomenon is irreparable;
- finally, children older than 9 years old perceive death as a universal, inevitable and irreversible condition.
Separately, it is worth mentioning about adolescents: they already understand the nature and consequences of death, however, when preparing for a conversation with them, it is worth considering the features characteristic of this period.
How to talk about death
Communication on any topic is not just the transfer of information from one person to another, it involves the exchange of thoughts and feelings. You should check with the child if he understood what happened, and if he has questions, doubts and fears. Answer simply and honestly, you can give examples and stories; if you do not know how to answer, say so, but it is better not to say that he is too small to understand something. Give your child the opportunity to talk, cry, share their emotions. In response, tell how you feel, that you are also sad, and discuss what you can do together, that you all feel better. The child should feel your support not only in words, but also emotionally and physically: put him on your lap and / or hug him tightly.
In such cases, they often say something like “he was such a good person that the angels wanted to take him to heaven with them”, “he flew to heaven”, “he fell asleep” and so on, in order to explain in the most acceptable and accessible way what happened, present it as part of the life cycle. In fact, such phrases can cause misunderstanding and confusion in a child, and sometimes fear of separation from parents or fear of falling asleep alone and nightmares, so it is better to avoid explanations using everyday situations like sleep or travel. Another aspect that should not be underestimated is the choice of time and place for communication. It is better to wait for the most opportune moment and tell the sad news in a calm atmosphere — it will be easier to choose words and express emotions.
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