How to talk to victims of violence?

Psychologists work not only with victims of violence, but also with rapists. Often, both of them are hostages of a vicious circle, a system. For some people, beatings in the family are the norm. This vicious circle, in which both the rapist and the victim find themselves, can and should be broken.

This can be done at several levels – individual in the family as a microsystem, in the immediate social environment, school, kindergarten, through the media and social media, and, finally, at the macrosystem level – gradually changing culturally determined attitudes and stereotypes.

The action #I’m not afraid to say was practically the first attempt to start talking about the existence of violence in society. Thousands of women survivors of violence spoke openly about it in public, taking risks and fear, they overcame themselves, they said that the problem exists. And you need to pay attention to it, you need to deal with it.

The Code of Ethics for Counseling Psychologists is based on five key principles: do no harm, client welfare, client protection, respect for client autonomy, honesty and fairness. That is, a psychologist or psychotherapist respects the client’s right to freedom of speech, does everything in his power to support his client, help him overcome the difficulties that have arisen.

But psychologists also have a duty to be careful about what they say publicly. The psychotherapist is endowed with power over the minds of people who treat him as an authoritative person and depend on his opinion.

Each person who wrote a post about their experience of violence could be a potential client of each of the psychotherapists who responded to this post. Unfortunately, many psychotherapists have reacted to these confessions by forgetting professional ethics. When a psychologist writes to a victim of abuse that he cannot read such things and that such things should not be written in public, he says: “I don’t want to help you. You’re doing wrong. Shut up.” By doing this, he violates several ethical principles at once, first of all, he does not allow the client to be autonomous, to make his own decision about what, where and when to say. The psychologist refuses support on the basis that he does not like the story told, makes public statements, not thinking about the client, but thinking about himself.

The reaction of psychotherapists who expressed their sympathy and offered help can be considered professional. It was the only thing needed for people who plucked up the courage to speak publicly about the unpleasant and sometimes scary experience they had. They did this not only for themselves, we are all part of this large system, which is slowly but changing, moving towards tolerance and inclusiveness in small steps. These are all new words for us. But they gradually make sense. Just like the thought that beats does not mean love. It means violence. It means dislike. It means hate.

Here is how Lundy Bancroft, a researcher in the psychology of violence, proposes to act, referring to psychologists, but not only¹. If you want to help a woman who has been abused, remember that your goal is to be the exact opposite of the abuser.

The rapist puts pressure on her

You must be patient. Remember that a raped woman needs time to recover and deal with everything that happened to her. She will not be helped by following your advice on how to deal with her abuser, get away from him, call the police, or any other advice you want to give her. You need to respect her opinion about her actions – this is something that a rapist never does.

The rapist verbally humiliates her

You treat her as an equal. Avoid any kind of arrogance. This applies to everyone, including professional psychologists and therapists. If you talk about the abuse from the top down, as if you are smarter or wiser, as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, you are doing exactly the same thing that the abuser does. Namely – you inform her that she is “under you”. That you are taller than her. Remember that your actions speak louder than your words.

The rapist thinks he knows better than her what is best for her.

You should treat her as an expert in her own life. Do not think that you know better than she what she needs. Ask her about what she thinks will help and work. And do not push, offer something, respect her knowledge of why this or that course of action will not help her. Don’t tell her what to do.

The rapist dominates the conversation

You should listen more and talk less. You may have a strong desire to convince her that the person with whom she lives is a “complete beast”, to analyze his motives. But if you talk more than she does, your behavior will communicate to her that your thoughts are more important than her thoughts. That’s what the rapist tells her. If you want her to start respecting her feelings and opinions, you need to show her that you respect them too.

The rapist believes he has the right to control her life

You must respect its right to self-determination. She has every right to make those decisions with which you may not agree. Including continue the relationship with the rapist or return to him after separation. You can’t convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you simultaneously broadcast by your behavior and speeches that she belongs to you. Be there for her even when you don’t like her choice.

The rapist thinks he understands her children and their needs better than she does.

You must believe that she is a competent and caring mother. Remember that there is no one right idea of ​​what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, her children’s problems may not go away, and sometimes abusers make children’s lives worse after the breakup than before. You cannot help her make better choices for her children if you are unrealistic about the situation and how difficult the choices she has to make are.

The rapist thinks for her

You must think with her. Don’t take on the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her, be her equal, be a team.

Being the opposite of a rapist doesn’t mean just saying the opposite of what he says. If he begs her, “Don’t leave me,” and you say; “Get away from him” and you and the rapist pressure her into making a decision based on your opinion. And you just need to ask her: “What do you want to do?”

¹ Author of the book “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty” (Eksmo, 2012).