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It is still not easy for parents to discuss this topic with grown-up children. But in a modern world oversaturated with frank images, it is simply necessary to do this – tactfully, respecting their right to privacy. But who can and should lead such conversations?
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74,7% of Russians support the idea of introducing sex education lessons into the school curriculum. This was shown by the results of a survey conducted by the Doctor Nearby service. But who should tell schoolchildren about the methods of contraception, the peculiarities of their structure and sexually transmitted diseases? 65% of respondents believe that it is worth inviting doctors for this, 37,1% would entrust this role to school psychologists and 11,3% to teachers. Less than half of the respondents (47,3%) are sure that conversations about reproductive health should be started with children aged 11-14 (grades 5-9), and 27,5% of respondents believe that it is better to do this in high school.
But for now, we are only discussing potential innovations, and you will not find such lessons in the schedule. This means that the responsibility for whether children will have high-quality knowledge about intimate life still lies with the parents. We need to stop being shy, abandon the wait-and-see attitude and understand that if we don’t talk to our children about sex, adult films, dubious resources on the Internet or peers will do it for us. And it is unlikely that the information received from such sources will be adequate and consistent with your personal values.
The same thing happened to Michael. While doing homework in geography, a sixth grader responded to an innocent search query by clicking on a link leading to an adult content site. He sent several screenshots from this site to classmates by phone …
Do teenagers not feel the limit of what is acceptable? No, our experts believe, they just reproduce the world that has lost its bearings in which they live.
Interest in the sexual topic increases when it is banned in the family
In the days of the public Internet, children are exposed to erotica and pornography long before the first sexual experience. “At first it happens by chance,” explains family therapist Marina Bebchuk. “But then, without receiving information from adults, children themselves begin to look for it on the net, wanting to find answers to questions that concern them so much.”
“Most growing up boys and girls know very little about sex and make their first love steps blindly,” explains existential psychologist Irina Mlodik. “They may brag, lie, flaunt the books they read, adult films or their sexual experience, but in reality they are confused, they are afraid that they will not succeed in being a man or an attractive woman.”
Where to start?
Many of us are hesitant to talk to the child “about it.” While anxiously expecting teens to start asking questions, parents are sometimes relieved when they don’t. It may seem to us that our son or daughter is not yet interested in sex. But we are wrong: today, among 15-year-old teenagers, 24% of girls and 44% of boys have already had sexual experience … So it is simply necessary to talk with teenagers about sexuality and, in a broader sense, about relationships between men and women.
It’s good if they ask, and then it’s enough to answer the questions. Without unnecessary details, but at the same time without interrupting their natural interest with remarks like “grow up – you will know.” What if there are no questions? You can discuss the plots of the book, episodes of films … Share your opinion and leave the son or daughter the opportunity to express his own. They must feel that this topic is not taboo for parents.
“There is no need to be afraid to say too much, ahead of time,” Marina Bebchuk clarifies. – The excess of the child will “weather”, he will snatch out only what he needs now. But he will remember that his parents know something about this topic, which means that they can be asked again.
At the age of 9-10 years, when there is already a risk that children may stumble upon questionable images, it is necessary to directly address this issue. Dmitry, the father of two sons, did it this way: “I told each of them:“ You can see a movie or a video in which people have sex. This is a play, not reality. This is sex without love, and when adults do the same things with love, everything happens differently.
“Tell your child about the dangers of such phenomena as frotterism (when they snuggle up in transport) and exhibitionism (a naked man in the bushes), teach them not to get into a car with strangers or let themselves be taken somewhere,” recalls Marina Bebchuk. To explain and warn, to be sincere and consistent – this is the task of parents.
Dialogue despite embarrassment
The most vulnerable are those adolescents who do not have contact with adults. “They are left alone with their expectations and disappointments, excitement and pain,” says Irina Mlodik. – They fantasize, get carried away and make mistakes. Therefore, it is so important, despite all the difficulties of age, to maintain a trusting relationship.
Some parents believe that children need to learn about the intimate side of relationships as late as possible, as they will immediately begin to apply new knowledge in practice. “This is one of the most widespread myths,” objected Marina Bebchuk. “In fact, interest in the sexual topic increases when it is banned in the family.”
“Often, mothers impose on their daughters a negative idea of sex: it is dangerous, shameful, and love relationships always lead to tragedies,” says Irina Mlodik. “But by intimidating, they only distort ideas about sexuality.”
It is important not only to explain the naturalness of sexual attraction to another, but also to say that it is only part of the relationship.
Parents are silent both out of fear of seeming intrusive, and … out of embarrassment. Many of us find it difficult to freely talk about sex even with a partner, and talking with our own child becomes an impossible task. “I just don’t know how to pronounce what (seems) I have to discuss with my son,” confirms Olga, 39, mother of 16-year-old Kirill. “I just don’t have the words for it.”
“Before starting a conversation, parents should discuss with each other what exactly and with what words they are going to tell,” advises Marina Bebchuk. – You can separate the roles: for example, he will talk about hygiene, and she will talk about relationships. And let the most confident of them be the first to start the conversation. Offer the child a book with the necessary information or find in your environment an adult or a doctor who can talk about sexuality calmly and freely. The same can be advised to mothers who raise their sons alone. The main thing is not to leave a teenager completely without reference points.
Having dared to start a conversation, many parents limit themselves to questions of contraception (condoms, birth control pills). But this is not enough! The main thing in the expression “sexual relations” is the word “relationship”, which many people forget.
“It is important not only to explain the naturalness of sexual attraction to another person, but also to say that it is only part of the relationship between a man and a woman,” the psychologist notes. “That behind every sexual act there is a meeting, an acquaintance, a relationship that requires respect, tenderness and brings a lot of mutual pleasure, even if it does not last long.” Each of the parents will have to find their own words that can convey exactly their idea of love relationships, the meaning of sensual experiences in the life of a couple.
What is the “first time”
75% of boys and more than 50% of girls rate their first sexual experience positively*. For boys, it often becomes not so much an act of love as a male initiation. They are more concerned about whether they are doing the right thing. For girls, the romantic side of relationships, the strength of feelings, is especially important. 35% of them were in love with their first sexual partner (19% in boys), 34% had known their chosen one for a year or more.
In general, adolescents say that they have sex primarily for sexual pleasure (this motive was named by 69% of boys and 52% of girls). This is followed by the desire to make the partner happy and show him his affection; change your status in a peer group; desire to have a good time; feel like a real man/woman; experience the feeling of possessing another person.
* For more details, see I. Kohn’s book “Sexual Culture in Russia” (Iris-press, 2005).
Let them be independent
For teenagers, the topic of sex, sexuality is in many ways also the topic of “who am I? what am I?” “A girl can argue: boys don’t choose me, which means I’m ugly,” explains Irina Mlodik. “While doubting herself, she will strive to constantly prove her worth, and it will be difficult for her to refuse someone with whom she does not want to have a relationship.”
The ability to resist pressure from a partner, aggression and one’s own impulses is based on self-respect, which is also brought up through respect for the child’s personal space. If a teenager knows that anyone has the right to access his intimate sphere, then why shouldn’t he expose his sex life to the public on the Internet?
Talking about sexuality does not mean moralizing. The goal is to give teenagers the tools to make informed decisions. Yes, they can refuse sex if they don’t feel like it. No, this or that kind of caress is not a perversion; it is reprehensible only to force your partner or partner to them. And if the parents find out that the child was doing things that they do not approve of, then they should not shame and punish. After all, very often a teenager acts without hesitation, under the influence of an impulse or situation.
A teenager will share his experiences only when he is sure that the most intimate topics and important feelings will not be ridiculed.
“Prohibitive measures and edifications in relation to a teenager over 12 years old are ineffective,” explains Marina Bebchuk. “And adults need to adjust to dialogue, if they haven’t done it before, learn to talk with a teenager, sincerely, openly and carefully.” But this does not mean that they should talk about their intimate life. Children and parents should not know the details of each other’s sexual experience, since in this case the boundaries of the personal space of both the adult and the child are violated.
“A teenager will share his experiences only when he trusts adults and is sure that the most intimate topics and important feelings will not be ridiculed, condemned or scolded,” says Irina Mlodik. Whatever happens in your child’s life, without dramatizing, continue the dialogue. Teenagers need, first of all, our responsiveness and the ability to provide assistance if needed.
Talk about love
Finally, talk to your children about love! About the tenderness and fidelity that are associated with it and which also bring pleasure. Fearing AIDS or unwanted pregnancy, it is easy to forget about them in a conversation.
Adolescents tend to exaggerate the degree of sexual “advancement” of their peers, which pushes them to an early start: “I also have to try everything, otherwise I will not become a real man (woman).” And they find themselves driven into a destructive circle of promiscuity. In fact, all of them – including those who now bravely indulge in sexual experiments – dream of one thing: to meet someone who will love them deeply, respect them and with whom they can share the future.