Education, like politics, is the art of the possible. In good families, teenage children are spoken to warmly, calmly and in a businesslike way, as with adults.
Talking to your teenage children is difficult, but necessary. Very, very necessary, especially for themselves. They have a lot of difficult questions, and if they see that you can help them in these matters, you will become an important and respected person for them.
Talk, but don’t persuade. Hardness — is necessary, because a teenager at this time can «carry».
No, I won’t let you visit for the night. No, now do not walk, but help around the house.
To accustom to the format and maintain the format is necessary, then the teenager will listen to you, then there will be order and you will do without punishment. When you demand something, first track the format, only then formulate the real demand.
See the case study «Reading in the Dark». Another is a possible option for talking with a teenager so that he does his homework, and does not have fun at the computer: “Seryozha wants to relax at the computer.” As well as:
- Teenager asks parents for money
- Child asks for XBOX
- Son twelve: education of responsibility
Teenagers will soon have to enter into adult relationships, namely work, so if you entrust something to them, do it in the same format as if you, the manager, are dealing with your subordinate. With your favorite employee. If he still does not understand this format, or, moreover, does not want to understand, arrange an army for him. This means — do not beg, but give tasks, give clear army orders.
For example, dad needs help. Mom usually begins to ask her son and persuade him: “Yaroslav! Dad is doing something important right now. He brings beauty to the site so that we all enjoy it. He needs help. He will really appreciate if you come and help him.” This is not right, just with such requests, children hear that they are not obliged to do this and begin to bargain. You don’t have to dance around your son. Or rather: “What are you doing now? (to make sure nothing is serious) Dad needs help. Go to your dad and ask how you can help him. Is the task clear? Fulfill!».
In this case, usually everything will be done. If the son, in this case, begins to refuse and pull, pay attention: most likely, he grimaces with his body and builds muzzles with his face. When a child does this, he does not obey you. When he stands straight, without antics and rattling, he hears you and is able to obey. So, enter the son in the format:
“Are you making a face on purpose or by chance? I suggest we don’t quarrel. Therefore — hands out of pockets, do not grimace, look at the interlocutor, make a meaningful face. Here, it already works!”
If the son does not obey, continues to grimace and tries to goo, repeat more harshly: «I warn you, I’m in a bad mood today, I can react sharply.» Usually this is enough: your request will be heard, the task will be completed.
Nevertheless, it makes sense after that, later, for example in the evening, to return to this episode.
“You and I had a difficult conversation during the day, which almost ended in a serious quarrel between us. I do not want it. I don’t want you and me to quarrel, and I don’t want you to grow up as an incomprehensible person. I discussed this situation with smart people, they told me that I am not raising you correctly, that with my upbringing you will grow up to be a dunce. I decided to fix the situation and I’ll tell you how I’m going to do it. First, I will follow the format of our conversations. Do you know what format is? This is how you behave when you respect your interlocutor. And, when I turn to you, you must stand straight, without twitching, look at me and make a meaningful face. This is how people behave who respect both themselves and the interlocutor. If you don’t succeed right away, we will train with you, rehearse at the wall until you succeed.
This is the first. And the second — I want us to return to the normal tone of conversation with you — the way we talked to you before: normally, humanly. I don’t want to build you, I don’t want to put pressure on you, let alone shout — I want to talk to you warmly, in a kind way. And I have a proposal for you: to build relationships and be friends. You are not at war with me, I do not punish you, we discuss all issues normally. I agree? “Ok, agreed.”
Another example of how you can negotiate with a teenager (my conversation with Dasha, the daughter of my student at UPP).
— (Dasha) I want to praise my mother: my mother works well at the Distance, I think that in good conscience.
— (I did not understand anything. What do you really like?
— Mom became very collected, disciplined, very responsible.
“Does it make you feel better, or worse?” Probably worse, more pressing.
— Yes, rather.
— What’s worse?
— It happens that my mother swears a lot for something.
“And she is wrong in this case?”
She is right, but there are times when I disagree with her.
— Dasha, how should mom act? We’ll give her a job. She will do it, so take the opportunity.
— I would explain very calmly, tactfully, I know that she can do it.
«Are you sure you’ll understand then?»
— Yes.
— The first time, or the third? How many times does mom need to calmly talk?
One, maximum two times.
— A maximum of two times. If your mother calmly told you twice, and you did not understand, then can your mother raise her voice?
— It is necessary to explain more affirmatively, to make it so that I understand.
— And if you make a curved face?
— All the same, it’s impossible, first you need to say: Dashenka, straighten your face.
“Then I have a suggestion. You and your mom are now agreeing that mom has no right to raise her voice at you at all for a month. Except for those cases when you have already told you in a good way twice, and warned that now it will start to make noise.
— Fine! It suits me. Deal!