How to talk to teenagers about sex?

Contents

In theory and practice
Read more:
Educate by example
When to start a conversation?
Consider age
Discussing does not mean provoking
Take the first step
Read more:
Speak in plain language
Suggest other sources of information
Show respect
Don’t scare and be honest
What determines sexual well-being?
Through the mouths of parents … *

If we ask an adult to make a list of the most significant moments of his teenage life, most of us will remember the first love, the first kiss, new sensations associated with bodily changes. And many of us would certainly like that at that moment someone understood and protected us, answered questions and shared our feelings. Then why, in communicating with our children, we are often embarrassed to talk about what interested and worried us so much, and rarely talk about our own experiments? Doctors Alexander Kulikov, Elena Meshkova and Elena Anoprienko reflect on when, how and why it makes sense to talk with teenagers about the sexual side of life.

The article was created specifically for the joint project PSYCHOLOGIES and the UNESCO Office in Moscow “Territory of TEENS: a guide for parents of adolescents.”

All teenagers have a sex life – real or fantasy. Thinking about sex and having different sexual experiences is an important part of growing up, and that in and of itself is not scary, much less bad. Of course, any experience is associated with risk, and the best way to reduce the risks of sexual maturation is proper family education, timely sexuality education, which will help to avoid too early (and therefore unwanted) pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Parents from different social strata and representatives of different cultures have different ideas about the correct behavior of their children, including sexual. Therefore, there are no uniform recommendations for all parents, but there are general principles. Based on knowledge of the facts and respect for the rights of the child, sex education in any family becomes part of the education of the individual and the formation of universal human values. It gives an idea of the importance of family relationships, the value of a healthy lifestyle, a responsible and respectful attitude towards oneself and others.

In theory and practice

Many parents, even while recognizing the need for sexual education, often take a wait-and-see attitude, believing that the longer young people are not informed, the later they will start having sex. As a result, frank conversation occurs when advice and warnings are no longer relevant. There is an old anecdote about this, which very vividly depicts the widespread situation with sexual education. A wife comes to her husband and says, “Honey, our son is already big, could you talk to him? Tell about what happens between a man and a woman, how children appear … Not directly, of course, but using examples from the life of plants and animals. Well, let’s say, pistils, stamens, you understand … “” Well, dear, I will definitely talk to John, “the husband replies and goes to his son’s room. “John, are you sleeping with Margaret? So, my mother asked me to tell you that this also happens with butterflies and flowers.

83% of Russians believe that parents should talk to teenagers about intimate relationships between men and women. Every third young person (aged 18 to 30) confirms that relatives talked to him about this topic and this helped to avoid any mistakes or unnecessary worries.

The survey was conducted by the Public Opinion Foundation (FOM) on November 18, 2012. See fom.ru for details.

While adults delay talking to children about sexuality, children get answers to their questions from those closest to them: peers. However, the ideas of other, even more experienced teenagers often have nothing to do with scientific data, but only reflect the rumors and myths that exist in society, especially among young people, about male and female sexuality. This is how stereotypes are formed that the environment imposes on a teenager and which it is then difficult for him to overcome, even if they run counter to his own feelings, views and experience.

Unfortunately, most parents of today’s teenagers are in a difficult situation: their parents themselves did not talk to them about any intricacies of psychology and physiology, so they have no idea how to prepare children for adulthood, what, how and when to tell them, but often just shy and uncomfortable with such conversations. As Aigul Sadykova, a psychologist from Kazakhstan, correctly notes, there are often cases when parents either don’t talk to their children about sex at all, or delegate this task to the school, and sometimes don’t even think about it, believing that everything will work out by itself. The basis, as a rule, is reasoning like “we lived somehow ourselves, no one explained anything to us at the time, but they gave birth to children.” Only in less than 40% of Kazakhstani families with children talk about sexuality, more than 56% of respondents never spoke about it*. The reasons can be both cultural and value attitudes (mostly among the Kazakhs), and the lack of knowledge necessary for such a conversation (mostly among Russian families), notes Aigul Sadykova. By avoiding sensitive topics, parents forget that “nature abhors a vacuum,” and children who are kept in the dark by their parents will still learn about sexuality, but this information can be the most fantastic. For example, there are cases when girls agreed to anal contact in order to preserve the integrity of the hymen before marriage, sincerely believing that this is how they maintain their “purity” and in general “this is not sex.” But, on the other hand, today many parents understand the importance of sex education and realize that it is necessary to start a frank conversation in advance**.

Elena Meshkova – Candidate of Medical Sciences, pediatrician of the highest category, Honored Doctor of Ukraine, Deputy General Director of the National Children’s Specialized Hospital “OKHMATDET” (Kyiv, Ukraine)

Alexander Kulikov — Doctor of Medical Sciences, Professor of the Department of Pediatrics and Pediatric Cardiology, Northwestern Medical University named after I. I. Mechnikov, Head of the Educational, Methodological and Scientific Center for the Development of Youth-Friendly Clinics (supported by UNICEF) (St. Petersburg, Russia).

Elena Anoprienko – Head of the Center for Medical, Psychological and Social Rehabilitation Assistance to Children of the National Children’s Specialized Hospital “OKHMATDET” (Kyiv, Ukraine).

How to talk to children about sexuality?

Educate by example

Sex education actually begins at birth, and both parents are responsible for it, so it is desirable that their views on this matter do not differ too much. The foundation of the personality is laid in the family: moral values, behavior patterns, attitude towards oneself and one’s body, awareness of one’s belonging to a certain gender, the ability to open up to others and understand them develops. Parents, answering children’s questions, not only provide information, but also give attitudes, show their attitude to different aspects of life. Relationships in the family are the environment that offers the child behavioral models of men and women, the main school of communication with the opposite sex. The relationship between parents serves as the child’s first guide: when children see love and respect in the family, they learn to love and respect. If the relationship between the parents is complex, conflicting, the child experiences stress that may affect his personal life in the future if he unconsciously copies their behavior.

When to start a conversation?

Teenagers are embarrassed by talking about sex. It is difficult for them to talk about this with their parents if they are not used to asking any questions and getting answers that satisfy them from childhood. Most teenagers prefer to discuss the intimate aspects of life with friends, but there are those who do not share their doubts and problems with anyone at all.

While the child is small, it is easy to talk with him about what interests him. The main thing is to answer in a calm and understandable language, emphasizing that we are talking about ordinary things. It is better to start with the biological differences between men and women, explaining the words that he can hear outside the house or on the TV screen. But it is wrong to limit oneself to biology alone: it is better that the child initially perceives sexual relations as one of the manifestations of love.

If you wait until the child becomes a teenager, and then limit yourself to talking about the dangers and risks of sexual relations (pregnancy, illness), it is unlikely that you will be able to maintain contact with the child. If a trusting relationship has developed since childhood and this trust is mutual, it is much easier for adults to turn to a growing child and talk on delicate topics.

Consider age

The topics of your communication with the child must necessarily correspond to his age. It’s too early to talk about condoms at 5 years old, and at 15 it’s too late for most teenagers. At the same calendar age, different adolescents may be at different stages of physiological and psychosexual maturity. Some develop ahead of schedule, others lag behind. This is especially noticeable if you watch your classmates – their interests and need for information can be completely different. But all teenagers have a need for experiments and self-knowledge, so it is necessary to convey information even to the most reasonable, obedient and prosperous.

Discussing does not mean provoking

Some parents fear that talking to their children about sex might spur them into action. Numerous studies and surveys show that this is a myth! Timely, frank conversation based on trust is the best defense against risky behavior. If we avoid talking to a child about sexual relations, and even more so if we scold him if he asks uncomfortable questions, we let him know that sex in itself is something forbidden and shameful. As a result, children grow up withdrawn and shy, find it difficult to arrange their personal lives, or go into all serious trouble as soon as they manage to escape from parental supervision.

Take the first step

Obviously, it is best to discuss the relationship of the sexes with the child before he or she begins to have sex. If the son or daughter, having matured, stopped asking questions, adults will have to start the conversation themselves. A good occasion is to watch a movie or TV show together. Many adults underestimate the level of knowledge and interests of a teenager, so they are often late with the necessary information or provide it incompletely. Of course, the information must be truthful and the answers must be honest, even if the teenager is not yet able to accurately formulate the question.

“Practical psychology for teenagers. The 100 Most Difficult Situations You Need to Go Through

Daniel Marcelli, Guilmette de la Borie

This book will help teenagers understand what is happening to them and how to act in various life situations, including those related to sexuality (U-Factoria, 2008).

Should they be allowed to make love in our house

Speak in plain language

In a conversation with a teenager, it is appropriate to use anatomical terms, along the way explaining their exact meaning. After answering the child’s question, make sure that he understood your words and learned what he wanted. If you can’t find an answer, don’t be afraid to admit it. It’s good if after your conversation he has new questions. For example, 38-year-old Natalya recalls a conversation with her 11-year-old son: “He was the first to talk about it: “Mom, we have such girls there … they have breasts.” I began to explain to him why this is happening: a woman has such an organism, a man has such an organism, and what it is for.

Suggest other sources of information

If you are afraid of making a mistake or cannot overcome the embarrassment in talking with a child about gender relations, give him the opportunity to read about it himself or read with him. Today there are many books designed for different ages, which clearly and carefully convey all the necessary information to the child.

Show respect

Respecting a child means taking him seriously and having a dialogue with him, avoiding phrases like “you are still too young to understand this”, not giving harsh judgments, avoiding ridicule, ambiguity and vulgarity. The task of adults is to make sure that the child does not experience embarrassment and fear when asking questions about the relationship between the sexes.

Communicating on an equal footing with the child, the parent does not turn into a friend or peer, but remains a parent. It is important not only to communicate your opinion, but also to find out the opinion of the child, to let him share his feelings, to speak out. It is better to build communication from the standpoint of partnership: an educational tone and notations only complicate mutual understanding. You can appeal to the desire of a teenager to feel like an adult. Discuss the situation and invite him to make a decision based on the information received. Emphasize that taking care of one’s health and independence is characteristic of an adult, that growing up is inextricably linked with personal responsibility for the consequences of one’s actions and the ability to defend one’s convictions and not succumb to peer pressure. Try to develop in your child the skills of making independent decisions and the ability to say “no”.

Don’t scare and be honest

The best way to protect your child is not prohibitions and fear at all, but the right attitudes, Aigul Sadykova is sure: “It is necessary to explain to a teenager that sex is an integral part of human existence, that it is a natural need not only for men, but also for women, so be afraid men and sex wrong. Another thing is that engaging in sexual relations too early can backfire, because there is a time for everything. Girls (and boys) should understand that a woman has a special mission – to become a mother. And not only her health, but also the health of her future children will depend on how she treats her body. However, intimate life is not limited to the purpose of childbearing. This is a whole layer of relationships between a man and a woman, hidden from public view, but very significant for their mood and life satisfaction. Intimate relationships should carry mutual respect, joy and pleasure.

* According to a sociological survey conducted by the Institute for Social Research in five regions of Kazakhstan (Almaty, 2009).

** According to surveys conducted in Kazakhstan, Russia, Ukraine. Charitable Foundation “Women’s Health and Family Planning”, Ukrainian Institute of Social Research named after. Yaremenko (Kiev, 2012).

What determines sexual well-being?

A healthy attitude towards sexuality is formed in childhood and depends on many circumstances, not least on parental attitudes, the sexologist and sociologist Igor Kon believed. natural manifestations do not follow. This can cause the opposite effect – a secret and therefore painful obsession with forbidden sex, or an irrational fear that will negatively affect the sexual life of an adult. Many psychosexual disorders are rooted precisely in the mistakes of sex education. … Trusting relationships with parents, especially with the mother, general emotional looseness and openness of family relations, tolerant, secular attitude of parents to the body and nudity, the absence of strict verbal prohibitions, the willingness of parents to openly discuss with children the delicate problems that concern them – all these factors facilitate the child’s formation a healthy relationship with sexuality. However, they, in turn, depend on a variety of sociocultural conditions: the educational level of parents, the moral principles they learned in childhood, and their own sexual experience, as well as on the general value orientations of culture, which consciously or unconsciously equate individual family and domestic relations, verbal prohibitions, corporal canon, etc. It is senseless and dangerous to ignore these historical, above all national, differences and try to break them by force.

* I. Kon “Introduction to sexology” (Medicine, 1989).

Through the mouths of parents … *

Man, 49 years old: “I learned about sexual relations from close friends. I myself talk with my children on all topics. Sometimes I experience difficulties, because I don’t know what words to use and how to convey the necessary information to a teenager more clearly.

Woman, 24: “Mom talked about menstruation and hygiene. I learned about sexual relations from a friend, he was older than me. My friends and I had problems: abortion, infections, difficulties in communicating with boys. I believe that everything happened because of ignorance. Society does not take sex education seriously, so there is very little useful information. I will educate my children myself.”

Woman, 34 years old: “My mother and I had a trusting relationship, but we did not talk about these topics. Discussed with friends.

Woman, 45 years old: “My attitude towards pregnant women was like a shellfish, they were unpleasant to me. I learned from my mother in a negative way about pregnancy, childbirth, hard work, heavy care for children, all this is somehow bleak. The older sister had an abortion. There was an aura of negativity around me because of that.”

Woman, 35: “I remember how much fuss there was when I became friends in the fifth grade with a boy who was much older than me. They called me to the teachers’ council and shamed me. We didn’t have anything like that, we were just friends. And the teachers saw some dirt and danger in this. I cried…”

Woman, 35 years old: “We had a lecture by a woman in the 7th grade. And we were so grateful to her. It was so interesting and so important. We then still surrounded her and asked her various questions and talked to her like that for a long time. It is very important…”

Woman, 45: “My grandmother talked to me about sex. She herself was not initiated into anything in her childhood, she was not told about anything. Therefore, when her period began, she was so frightened that she ran all over the village and shouted: “People, help! I’m dying!

Woman, 40: “When I got my period, I told my grandmother about it. She said: now you can get pregnant, so think about your behavior. The problem was that I did not know how a woman could get pregnant, purely technically, so I was afraid to even use a towel. None of the adults explained anything to me. The epiphany came in an anatomy class.”

Woman, 32 years old: “My parents didn’t tell me anything, everything had to be pulled out of them with tongs. At the age of eight, I wondered why at the airport my mother went to one toilet, and my father and I went to another. Only then did my father explain to me that the genitals of men and women are arranged differently. I was very upset at how long this secret was kept from me!”

Man, 40 years old: “I was lucky: my father talked to me about sexual topics. I will also educate my son so that he does not listen to any nonsense in the yard from the boys, but receives all the necessary information from me.

Woman, 30, and man, 29: “Our parents were probably embarrassed to talk to us about sex. Times were such that this topic was not discussed even among adults. They reached everything themselves – through the stories of more enlightened girlfriends and friends. Although this is wrong. We will raise our child differently.” *

*According to opinion polls

** Kazakhstan Association for Sexual and Reproductive Health (kmpakaz.org) and survey conducted by UNESCO (Almaty, 2012); Study of the attitude of parents to the issue of preserving the reproductive health of children through the education of their attitudes towards a healthy lifestyle and education on sexual relations (Novosibirsk public organization “Humanitarian Project”, project “Program 15”, 2012).