How to talk to strengthen relationships

Men know how important it is to talk to a woman at the beginning of a relationship. But when they realize that they have conquered it, they begin to behave as they are used to. For most members of the stronger sex, this means using conversations only to achieve a specific goal. For the vast majority of women and a small number of men, conversation is primarily pleasure. Communication allows them to feel a connection with a loved one, recharge their batteries.

“If one of the partners (usually a man) limits the possibility of spontaneous communication and it all comes down to discussing practical issues, the second partner feels miserable, but has to put up with it,” says interpersonal relationship coach James Bauer. “This is a trap many couples fall into. The longer people are together, the less they talk. We discuss who will pick up the child from kindergarten, how to pay off bills and where to spend the weekend. And that is all”.

How to start talking heart to heart as deeply and interestedly as it was at the beginning of the relationship? James Bauer suggests:

Set aside time. Schedule the conversation ahead of time. If the first thing you do when you get home is turn on your computer or dive into your smartphone, the chances that you will switch to a partner are slim. Give each other 20 minutes that are not invaded by the television or virtual world.

Get your partner interested. Start the conversation with what he is interested in. For example, if you ask, “Who do you think will make it to the semi-finals of this game?”, you will most likely grab his attention right away. But the question is: “Does this skirt suit me?” is likely to leave him indifferent, even if he politely answers you. A topic that captivates the other side may turn out to be the key to ensuring that a person is disposed to confidential communication.

Be an attentive listener. You save time if you wash dishes or dust while talking, but for a man, your ability to do several things at once means a lack of interest in his words. He will stop talking. James Bauer calls for making what he calls “transformational talk” a tradition. They break the routine of everyday relationships, in which we are often too lazy to give ourselves the mental trouble to talk about deeper topics.

“Start with any question, but look at it from a new angle,” Bauer suggests. Maybe your partner is going through a difficult time at work? Do not try to immediately find the guilty or limit yourself to sympathetic phrases: “Your boss does not appreciate you,” “This company is not worthy of you.”

Yes, you flattered the interlocutor’s ego, but such a message did not bring anything new either to his life or to yours. Try to talk about how he views the current period in the context of his career. Are there any bonuses in this situation? Is he still able to learn new things? Does he see himself in another professional field? Instead of discussing the issue at the everyday level, try to talk about how the partner sees himself, how he feels, whether he is ready to move forward. Such conversations give us the strength to rethink a lot in life.”

“Women are the best communicators: use this advantage”

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

In a professional environment, such a joke was born: “Find a good partner, and five years of marriage will replace your year of psychotherapy.” If a couple has the skill and tradition of conversations developed in “peacetime”, then in a crisis that abounds in family life, this will be a great advantage.

Many men tend to endure discomfort silently and then disappear. Women are naturally better at communication. It is important to use this difference not for the struggle for power, but for the development of mutual understanding.

When in a couple a woman can help a man talk about feelings, in response he helps her not to “drown” in them, but to move on to the right actions. Many couples need such a tradition also as a salvation from the now popular child-centrism. Often there comes a time when the wife is so immersed in caring for the children that the husband is left alone. A woman, on the one hand, loses his support, and on the other hand, she does everything to not get it.

These simple rules will help you build a dialogue, convey your thoughts to your loved one and better understand him.

• Talk about your condition, not about your partner: “I’m angry” instead of “You piss me off.”
• Don’t attack.
• Ask more.
• Check your fantasies: “How do you feel now?” instead of “You hate me.”
• Be careful with evaluation and criticism.
• Do not try to talk against your will, both yours and your partner’s.
• Learn to say “stop” if you feel uncomfortable. It is important to let it be spoken out, sometimes just saying it out loud allows you to overestimate your own thought.