Taking hostages at a school, an explosion in a subway car… Today it is not easy even for adults to maintain a positive outlook on the world. Child psychologists Elena Morozova and Alexander Wenger advise how to help our children cope with this task.
The safety of your own life. Over the past ten years, we have lost this feeling. Almost every week brings with it the anniversary of a terrorist attack, chronicled by the media over and over again in frightening detail. The sad calendar continues to grow: information about new explosions or hostage-taking reaches every home where the TV is turned on, the radio is on, or a computer is connected to the Internet. It is impossible, and hardly necessary, to completely protect children from it: by depriving them of the right to know what is happening around, we risk not only creating a distorted picture of the world for them, but also exposing their lives to potential risk.
Psychologies: Children have to grow up in an unsafe world. How do the disturbing realities of our day affect them?
Elena Morozova: It is hard for a child, like an adult, to live in a troubled world: frightening information makes us acutely feel our own vulnerability, some begin to fear reality, hide from it. However, for children and adolescents, the issue is even more acute: they experience a vital need for impulses for development, the source of which is the world around them. If the world begins to be perceived only as the focus of a threat, then all the child’s cognitive powers will be spent not on cognition and understanding of reality, but on protection from it. Fear of reality can become an obstacle to their maturation and development.
To what information are children most sensitive?
EM: TV news can cause the greatest harm. It is difficult for a child to abstract from the video sequence and realize the boundary between what he sees on the screen and his daily life. Therefore, in especially critical moments, you should not watch informational television programs with your children. Soon after Nord-Ost, many parents complained that their children’s sleep and appetite were disturbed, and night terrors appeared. These children were not witnesses or victims of the terrorist attack – they only watched the development of events on TV and became their secondary victims.
Mind versus fear
It is important to make it clear to the child that there are few terrorists – incomparably fewer than ordinary people, Alexander Wenger is sure. And their actions are not aimed at him.
“It is important for a child to explain: in order to intimidate us, terrorists choose special places and dates, but in fact, the number of people who suffer as a result of explosions or hostage-taking is incomparable to the number of those who die, for example, in car accidents. But at the same time, no one is afraid to ride in a car or on a bus. If we are reasonable people, then we buckle up and do not get into the car with a drunk driver. In other words, it is good if the child realizes as early as possible that for their own safety it is necessary to follow certain rules, and in most cases this principle also works in relation to terrorists.
A. V.
But what if the terrorist attack took place not in Russia, but, say, in the USA?
Alexander Wenger: There is a direct relationship between the geography of terrorist attacks and the number of secondary victims. The closer an event takes place to our home, the stronger the psychological effect produced by it: for example, after the Nord-Ost, the number of secondary victims in Moscow was much greater than after the Beslan events. However, this rule applies only to adults: if we are talking about children, then it is not so important for them where exactly the attack took place – this information is always perceived painfully.
The probability of becoming an eyewitness to a terrorist attack is still relatively small. Is it necessary to prepare the child for such an opportunity?
EM: The child must know the algorithm of behavior in any dangerous situation – be it a fire or a terrorist attack. Practical skills will help you feel more confident in the event of a meeting with danger. In addition, it is important that the child understands that there is a way out of almost any difficult situation: this knowledge is very mobilizing. Another important point is to set the child up for help, including emotional help, to those who are nearby. This distracts from their own experiences, fear and creates an atmosphere of community.
When should you start such a conversation?
EM: It makes no sense to load it with redundant information, ahead of the event. But if a child came into contact with him (for example, he saw a story on the news about a terrorist attack), a conversation about this is necessary. It is better to answer specific questions – the child himself will tell you what is important for him to learn now.
A.V.: It is good if the event becomes the subject of family discussion. The child will understand that he is not the only one who is worried and that adults, sharing his feelings, nevertheless treat this situation calmly and in a businesslike way. It is worth considering the peculiarities of age: up to five years old, children are hardly able to realize what terror is. Therefore, it is possible not to separate such concepts as “terrorism” and “war” in a conversation. You can say, for example: “Bad people staged a war.” For children of six or nine years old, detailed explanations may also turn out to be redundant, therefore it is better to discuss in the game which actions in a critical situation will be correct and which will not, focusing on the practical side of the matter.
EM: Teenagers are another matter: they already have a sense of responsibility for themselves and for others, and therefore they need to understand the essence of what is happening. With a child of 11-15 years old, it is worth talking about the causes and goals of terrorism, about various forms of terrorist attacks. A teenager is able to make independent decisions, which is why it is so important to pronounce different strategies of behavior in the event of a direct encounter with terrorists.
What advice would you give to parents who are striving to keep their children positive about the world?
EM: In my opinion, adults should first of all pay attention to themselves. After all, we unconsciously infect our children with our own fears. Understand what is bothering you, and analyze your attitude to what is happening. If you manage to cope with your anxieties, it may very well be that no other efforts will be required from you: the child will literally absorb a positive outlook on the world from the air and learn to enjoy life – no matter what.
Where explosions sound every day
In Israel, despite the constant terrorist threat, children grow up in an atmosphere of calm and emotional comfort, say Elena Morozova and Alexander Wenger. This circumstance is the merit of parents who managed to form a reasonable attitude towards terrorism. Another important point is trust in people in uniform: their commands are carried out unquestioningly, and their very presence inspires confidence. In addition, a terrorist attack is perceived as a common grief that unites and mobilizes the entire population of the country – everyone knows that under no circumstances will they find themselves face to face with danger. Finally, the entire population of Israel has been instructed on what to do in the event of a terrorist attack. So, every Israeli child knows how to behave in the event of even a minimal threat.
- Try to immediately get as far away from the source of danger as possible.
- Seek help from an adult who inspires confidence.
- Do what the adult who is nearby says, even if it is a terrorist.
N. G.