How to talk to children about sexuality?

1. At what age do children begin to be interested in matters of sexual life?

Approximately between two and three years. However, they are not interested in sexuality in its adult sense — at this age, the child begins to realize his gender, and he awakens an interest in his own body.

Children notice that boys and girls are built differently, they watch each other, try to see their parents naked and ask questions like: “Why do girls pee while sitting?”, “Why does mom have breasts, but dad doesn’t?”, «Why does dad have a big pussy?». During this same period, as children explore their bodies, they often discover masturbation.

2. What is the role of parents in the sexual education of children?

Explain and warn — that’s what should be done first of all. When parents answer questions without hesitation, calmly respond to the behavior of children, clearly defining the boundaries of what is permissible, they teach them to trust their feelings, their body and accept sexuality as a natural part of life.

When parents do not answer questions, they leave the conversation “about this”, there is a feeling of mutual awkwardness. The memory of this experience can remain in a child for a long time and already in adulthood will interfere with a full sexual life.

Do not forget that sexual education begins long before children ask the first question “about this”: with our gestures, actions and attitude towards each other, we unconsciously convey to the child a model of gender and sexual behavior.

3. Do I need to answer all his questions?

Dodging the answer is not the best option: the child will in any case try to find out the truth with the help of (not too scrupulous) friends, older children, the Internet. It is necessary to satisfy his curiosity, but the answers should be short, clear and appropriate for the child’s age.

Sometimes children regularly ask the same question. Most often this happens when they do not understand something. Therefore, ask clarifying questions: “What did you mean?” And again, and again, talk to him about what worries him. But do not overload with details — they can confuse and even scare.

4. Who better to take the responsibility for explaining yourself — father or mother?

Up to six or seven years it does not matter. Later, ideally, the father should talk to the son, and the mother should talk to the daughter. It is more difficult for a woman to discuss the peculiarities of male sexuality with a boy, but with a girl she will feel confident and will be able to tell her about female physiology with full knowledge of the matter.

First of all, this is important for the gender self-identification of the child. However, children need both “sources of information” to fully satisfy curiosity, so both parents will have to give explanations.

5. What should I say to a girl if she is worried that she does not have a penis?

The absence of a penis sometimes seriously disturbs girls of two or three years. Parents can reassure their daughter by saying that women and men are built differently and that her sexual organs are not missing, but simply inside her body. This is a good occasion to emphasize that the genitals are not only for writing, and that a girl has a special hole between her legs, into which, when she grows up, a small seed can fall and through which the baby is born. A girl should know that one can become a mother only with the help of a man — this will protect her from the illusion of maternal omnipotence.

6. How to calm a boy if he is worried about the size and shape of his penis?

By the age of three, some boys begin to fear that one day their penis will disappear. To help your son overcome his fear, explain to him that the genitals are part of his body and, like arms or legs, cannot disappear. If your child is worried about the size and shape of his penis, tell him that it will grow in a few years. It is important to emphasize that the size of the penis (as well as the color of the eyes or hair) is different for all men and it is impossible to say which is better and which is worse.

7. How to tell children about conception?

Closer to four years, the question arises of where children come from. But the child is primarily interested in his own birth, and not the sexual aspect of the process. Therefore, it is so important that parents talk not only about how a person works, but also about feelings, about love.

We can say that when two adults are very much in love and want to have a child, they caress each other and dad leaves a small seed in mom’s stomach. Such an explanation will reassure the son or daughter and make the child feel that he was wanted.

Later, when he is six or seven years old, parents can explain that during intercourse, dad’s penis penetrates mom’s vagina and that the semen that comes out of the penis contains sperm that must meet with the egg and fertilize it. However, do not go too deep into details — at this stage of development, the child will not yet be able to realize them.

8. Do I need to mention pleasure during sex?

Knowing how he came into the world, the child often thinks about the emotional side of the sexual act: sometimes children ask adults about how they make love, does it hurt … Talk about sexual pleasure as something natural, explaining that it’s nice. Thus the child will again be convinced that his birth was a joy for his parents, and will take the first step towards comprehending the difference between sex and the process of reproduction of the species. At the same time, it is very important to convey to the child the idea that sex is the prerogative of two adults.

9. How to respond to masturbation and games with sexual overtones?

Masturbation is very common among children, but it does not so much allow them to enjoy (as teenagers or adults) as it helps to calm down. Parents should not scold or shame the child for this, otherwise in the future he will associate sexual pleasure with the prohibition. Tell him that his actions are natural, but this is an intimate process, because we don’t walk naked through the streets in front of everyone.

However, if a child masturbates constantly, this may be a sign of severe emotional discomfort, which he is trying to relieve in this way: pay attention to the atmosphere and style of communication in your family. As for games with sexual connotations, you should not worry about this: there is no erotic interest in them. Playing «daddy and mommy» or peeping «nonsense», children are only testing what they think they have learned from the explanations and behavior of adults.

10. Should parents hide their nakedness from their children?

It is better to stick to the golden mean. Without making it a taboo, parents should try not to show themselves naked in front of children over three years of age. We must be chaste if we do not want to embarrass the child: the sexual organs of adults and children are very different, comparison can give rise to complexes in the child, unwanted fantasies.

Although, of course, father and son, as well as mother and daughter, do not need to hide from each other in the changing room of the pool. But the child should not see the naked parent of the opposite sex: this sight can excite him and cause anxiety. In addition, the son or daughter needs to be explained that one should not invade the personal space of other people: for example, one should not enter the bathroom if someone is washing there.

Parents should also not allow children to touch their breasts (if it is a mother) and genitals. Pushing the child’s hand away, explain that these are intimate parts of the body that belong only to you, and that he, too, has the right and even must stop such attempts by other people. If a child has a clear interest in the naked body of an adult, it is easy to satisfy him by viewing reproductions in art albums or sculptures in a museum. At the same time, attention should be focused on the beauty of the human body.

In the oedipal phase of psychosexual development (3-5 years), the child fantasizes about becoming the spouse of a parent of the opposite sex. This is the right moment to explain to him that incest is forbidden, that is, he cannot marry parents, brothers and sisters, and that representatives of different generations should not have sexual intercourse. This will serve as an unconscious defense to him if he ever encounters a pedophile.

11. At what age should a girl be told about menstruation?

Most often, girls begin to ask questions on this topic between 7 and 11 years. Tell them that starting at a certain age, a woman’s body prepares every month for one day to become a mother. It can be explained that if the shell in which the baby grows is not used for its intended purpose, the body replaces it, displacing it with blood, and sanitary pads and tampons are needed in order not to stain linen and clothes. Later, closer to 10 years, you will be able to explain to your daughter how to use them, and thereby prepare her for the first menstruation.

12. How to start a conversation about the first trip to the gynecologist?

The story about this doctor does not differ from the story about the first visit to the dentist or other specialist: the girl needs to describe what exactly the gynecologist treats and what manipulations are possible in the office. It is good if the first visit to the gynecologist takes place immediately after the onset of menstruation. At this moment, serious changes are taking place in the female body, a qualified specialist will be able to explain their meaning to the girl more clearly and answer the questions that concern her.

Make an appointment for your daughter to see a female doctor, and if possible, it is better to choose a specialist other than the one who sees the mother. So the girl will feel more confident, and in addition, such a measure will make it possible to draw a symbolic boundary between the sexuality of mother and daughter.

During the reception of the mother, it is worth leaving the office so as not to embarrass the daughter. It should not be forgotten that boys are also concerned about issues related to their sexuality. Therefore, during puberty, it is very important to give the son the opportunity to discuss this topic with a third party, for example, with a doctor.