Acquaintance of a child with a new partner of mom or dad is stressful, and for all participants in the event. When and how to introduce the most important people in your life to each other? How to behave if they don’t get along?
Happy changes have come into your life: you met a person with whom you feel good and comfortable. You hug, hold hands and enjoy every minute that you manage to spend together. And so you want to introduce him to one special person for you – with your child.
It seems that everything is going as well as possible: the partner is not at all opposed to taking such a serious step and, perhaps, is even very pleased with the upcoming acquaintance. But parents always have doubts at the thought of introducing a new lover to their child (and vice versa). How do you know when it’s time to meet?
“The appearance of a new family member, regardless of the capacity in which this person appears, is always a great stress for a child,” says Anna Reznikova, a psychologist and specialist in parent-child relations. – Therefore, I always recommend not to make acquaintances until mom or dad is sure that they are ready to build a new relationship.
Yes, no one can guarantee love for life, and first of all, this is a partner for you, and only then will he become someone important for the child. But if you are not sure that this is serious, then it is better not to introduce a friend to children.
Let’s say you and your new lover are serious, but you can’t find the right moment to get to know each other. Some are so worried that they prefer to remain silent until the last.
Many adults whose parents have remarried remember how one day the doorbell rang and my mother said: “This is Uncle Vitya, now he will live with us.” Such “surprises” should not be done.
“The most important rule is to introduce the child not the day before the beloved moves in with you,” the psychologist explains. – Any person, including a young person, needs time to realize that life is changing and now the partner of his parent will become part of the family.
It is best to organize the first couple of meetings on neutral territory. For example, you can go to a cafe. But if you came, do not send the child to the children’s room: then there will definitely be no contact.
Give time and space
We dream that our new loved ones and our children quickly find a common language. We hope that they will understand and love each other. How to contribute to this? It’s best to moderate your expectations. Give them time to get to know each other better and not demand heartfelt friendship.
“You don’t have to immediately tell the child that this person will become his new parent. Remember: first of all, this is your chosen one, and already in the second – who he can become to a child: stepfather, senior comrade, friend, Anna Reznikova recalls. – It is important that the initiative comes from him in establishing contact with the child. If it is not there, if there is even a drop of pretense, nothing will work.
It is important to maintain a respectful position both in relation to the child and in relation to the partner.
You should not give gifts to children: gifts can hardly buy love. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, and we don’t always like those feelings.”
Raising a child is not only pleasant moments, but also a moment when you have to be strict, draw boundaries. Checking math and asking to wash the dishes, change the water for the hamster and go for milk …
If a partner wants to take part in raising a child and you agree with this, all participants need to sit down at the negotiating table, the expert says. This conversation should be initiated by a parent. If he wants the new person to take part in the upbringing, then it is necessary to say this to the child in plain text.
Anna Reznikova explains that the message should be simple and clear: “This is my husband/wife, we are one family. He takes care of you, spends his energy on it, and I want you to listen to him and respect him. It is important to maintain a respectful position both in relation to the child and in relation to the partner.
If the second parent with whom you broke up takes part in the life of the child, it is worth inviting him to the negotiating table. Perhaps in this case, the stepfather or stepmother will have to show more flexibility. Your partner should not compete with the adult they are replacing.
“The new parent needs to choose his own line of behavior,” the psychologist believes. “If your relationship is just starting to develop, he should keep his distance and not interfere when his own adult will raise the child or give him comments.”
“We’ll figure it out ourselves”?
It happens that the child and your new partner quarrel. And even if you think that one of them is right and the other is wrong, try to study the situation thoroughly before intervening. Of course, if the partner shows frank rudeness, tries to physically influence the child, the parent needs to stop this.
But there are also everyday conflicts, they are not dangerous, and finding a solution can even improve the relationship between the child and your partner. “If your son or daughter is generally doing well with your partner, try not to get involved in the conflict. Give us the opportunity to figure it out ourselves,” advises Anna Reznikova. “But if the conversation gets dangerously high, help them find a compromise.
If you understand that the situation is getting out of control, that a compromise cannot be found, offer to disperse in different directions and talk to each one in private.
It happens that the child is in conflict with the new partner of the parent, without good reason. Perhaps he is now going through a difficult period – for example, he has entered puberty. Sometimes children reflect the position of their second parent in this way.
In any conflict, you have the right and opportunity to start a conversation
“If you understand that the child is broadcasting the position of the former spouse, talk about it frankly,” the psychologist advises. – Listen to the child, let him voice his claims. Try to understand why they arose, how real they are.
Please do not scold the child, do not shout at him, punish him. It’s very difficult for him now, and in some places it’s scary.”
Stepparents, especially those who raise stepchildren and stepdaughters from a very young age, are very afraid to hear from them: “You are not my father” or “You are not my mother.” It is not at all clear what the answer to this is. How to be?
“In no case should one be led to a provocation,” says Anna Reznikova. – First you need to exhale, calm down and talk. Yes, the one who said it is responsible for what was said. But you are an adult and for the most part in control of the situation. In any conflict, you have the right and opportunity to start a conversation.
Try to find out what exactly is behind such a statement – perhaps there is a lot of pain and unobvious experiences. Tell your child about how unpleasant it was for both you and his stepfather / stepmother to hear these words.
If your partner is really involved in the upbringing and treats the child very warmly, there is a chance that the children will never say this again.