How to talk to babies

“In a month, my bunny, we will move. Your dad and I thought a lot and decided to find an apartment closer to his work. So he can come back earlier and spend more time with us…”

Every child, even the smallest, has the right to know about important events in the family that concern him and his future. Moreover, he needs to know this in order to feel confident and calm, to grow and develop safely.

But how will he understand the meaning of our words if he does not speak yet? And to what extent should parents go into details in communicating with him?

Not only about the most important

Even a baby that has barely been born is nevertheless already a “talking creature”. This paradox has been explained in many of her books by the psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto. According to her, the newborn “strives to get enough of speech no less than mother’s milk” and literally “absorbs the speech of parents.”

He perceives the world with the help of sight, touch, smell, taste, tactile sensations. But only the word of another person addressed to him gives him the opportunity to feel himself a part of the world of people and feel his difference.

Françoise Dolto cites many testimonies of how communication with a baby (honest, without deliberate “childishness”) changes children – the pain subsides, the rash disappears, the child begins to sleep better.

Once, a literally exhausted woman came to her for a consultation: her newborn son was sleeping anxiously and constantly waking up at night. She told the psychoanalyst that she had another child who had died recently, and the younger one was named by the same name as her brother.

Françoise Dolto turned to the boy. “I told him that his brother was not angry with him, that he gave him his name and that his mother, even when he sleeps, knows that he is not dead.” When the mother and son returned home, the baby slept for ten hours in a row.

However, talking to a child means not only telling him about the most important things. It also means talking with him at ease and easily, about everything in the world and about nothing special – as with a person for whom we simply have warm feelings.

“In this case, the word does not “heal,” but develops the child,” explains neuropsychologist Boris Tsiryulnik. “He feels emotions more strongly, and they activate his memory, the work of different parts of the brain.”

open and honest

Even before they speak a word, children interact with us using a special language – the language of their body. It is not always easy for parents who are accustomed to communicate using words to understand what the child is saying. That is why a conversation with a newborn remains (in every sense) a monologue of an adult.

“You need to talk not to the child, but to the child,” psychologist Olga Varpakhovskaya, head of the Green Door project, explains the difference. “It means having a dialogue with him, finding a balance between too detailed communication and fleeting.”

It is not easy for modern young mothers. “Advice from relatives and friends, books and numerous sites on popular psychology sometimes inspire them with fear of saying something wrong,” says Boris Tsiryulnik.

– Some women no longer consider themselves entitled to, for example, cry or flare up, because they are afraid that their negative attitude will injure the child. They need to stop (too) controlling themselves, but find their own words in order to communicate honestly with the child.

Briefly and in present tense

How many copies have been broken around baby talk, “children’s” language: is it harmful to the child, does it delay his development? No, our experts are sure, because it plays a special role – in the first year of life it teaches the child to communicate.

“The high tone of the voice (“Agu, ahu!”) Attracts the attention of the baby, says perinatal psychologist Galina Filippova. The hissing and hissing sounds (“Oh my sunshine!”) are reminiscent of the sounds of a mother’s breathing that he heard while in her womb, and set a rhythm that helps keep his attention on the words.

Long pauses and repetitions of syllables (“Ma-ma! Pa-pa! Ba-ba!”) help to snatch out of the flow of speech and remember the short part of the word … In addition, turning to the child, we look into his eyes, smile, and begin to move his lips and open your mouth wide.

From the age of two months, most babies are able to imitate our movements – cooing appears. So we show the child that it is easy and pleasant to pronounce words, and we quietly teach him.

It is important to talk to the child simply and about things that are significant to him. “When introducing subjects, it is important not to drown in explanations, since his intellect is not yet ready to understand long phrases,” continues Galina Filippova. – You can show and name an object, say what it “does”.

The psychologist recommends using the present tense, because “the baby does not know the concepts of the past and the future: the first idea of ​​time appears in him no earlier than two years.

It’s better to use the present tense and speak in short, two- or three-word, affirmative sentences, such as “Look, doggy!” rather than “Do you see the black and white dog that walks with our neighbor?”

All … or almost all

Communicating honestly with your child means that sometimes you will have to talk about things for which it is not easy to find words. “For a baby, the outside world does not yet exist, but he perfectly feels the state of his mother,” says Galina Filippova. “And it becomes embarrassing if she smiles and is affectionate with him, but at the same time tense and anxious.”

The child may well decide that parental anxiety is related to him. He will begin to worry and feel guilty. That is why Francoise Dolto insisted: if parents are worried about something, it is worth telling the child about it.

This is what 27-year-old Irina did: “After the birth of my son, I became depressed: I almost didn’t smile, got tired quickly, I just didn’t have the strength. And I told my son about it.

I told him it wasn’t his fault, but he needed to be patient a little while I got used to my new role. I don’t know if he understood, but I myself felt more confident. Talking with him, I felt more and more clearly: everything will be all right, I can handle it.

But there is no need to impose on a baby the role of a confessor and pour out his soul on any occasion. It is enough to talk with him about what directly concerns him. Whether it is mourning, moving, or divorce of parents – all these events need to be explained to him.

Francoise Dolto said that even the presence of someone close to the funeral helps the baby feel “an inseparable part of the family”

father’s voice

“I talked to my daughter from the very day my wife told me she was pregnant,” recalls Dmitry, 34. – Said something like: “Hi, baby, I’m your dad. Grow up and we’ll see you!” I felt some special, previously unfamiliar excitement and, at the same time, my responsibility.

“It is known that in the womb, babies hear male voices better,” notes Olga Varpakhovskaya. “And after the birth of a child, the words of the father, his (already familiar) voice, are beautifully lulled.”

It is the woman who should make sure that her partner does not stay away from communicating with the child. Boris Tsiryulnik insists on this: “When a mother says “my child”, this should mean “a child born by me along with the person I love.”

You can’t say “my baby” like children say “my doll”. It is very important to perceive it as the creation of your love, and not as an object of ownership.

When her husband is not around, 32-year-old Tatyana talks about him with her three-month-old son: “Do you like swimming? Your dad loves to swim too!” These words may seem meaningless, but they help to maintain the image of the father – after all, he is so often on business trips.

If it doesn’t work

But what about parents if nothing comes to mind and you have to grind out every word? “I knew I had to talk to children and I forced myself to do it,” says 30-year-old Natasha, the mother of one-year-old twins. “But there was nothing ‘natural’ about it, unfortunately.”

“Such difficulties are often experienced by those mothers with whom they did not talk much when they themselves were children,” explains Galina Filippova. “But there is no need to worry: if you find it difficult to talk to a newborn, this does not mean that you will not be able to communicate with him.”

A gentle look or affection is sometimes more eloquent than any words. “And there is absolutely no need to constantly tell the child “I love you,” adds Boris Tsiryulnik. “In order for a baby to feel our love, it is not necessary to formulate it.”

When it is difficult to find the right words, you can borrow someone else’s. Songs, rhymes, books – “they can be sung, read and considered together,” the neuropsychologist advises.

– At such moments, we exist with the child literally on the same wavelength, he is enveloped in the modulations of our voice. And it is known that approximately 70% of the baby’s brain is tuned to the perception of rhythm.

This is how Natasha began to communicate with her children: “I felt more confident when I found “my” intonation, something between words and singing. I began to compose songs for them on motives that I myself remembered from childhood.

Each parent can choose their own way of communicating with their child. And if it brings sincere joy to both, then the question “how?” they have already found the best answer.

Moving towards independence

“Now let’s eat and go to sleep”, “It’s time for us to swim!” – in the first months, perceiving the baby as still an extension of herself, many mothers involuntarily use this common “we”.

“The knowledge of the world and self-knowledge begins with maternal words for a child,” says perinatal psychologist Galina Filippova. “Mother becomes a mirror for him, which not only reflects, but also explains what is happening to him, names his desires, and calms him down.”

Thus emerges what psychologist Eric Erickson called “basic trust in the world” – the belief that the world we live in is, on the whole, a good and safe place. Erickson considered this feeling to be the main result of the child’s mental development in the first year of life.

However, after a while, “continuous” communication will already hold back the development of the child: at 11-13 months old, he begins to take the first independent steps, and it is important for parents to support this movement towards independence. At this point, the “we” (ideally) leaves the speech of adults, and a new relationship begins to develop – “I” and “you”.