You notice that he does not behave as usual. You thought he smelled like alcohol. Or even he came home so drunk that it is impossible to make a mistake … Why did this happen and how to react correctly?
“I always drink beer with my friends when we go to the movies or just hang out. What is it here? 15-year-old Denis, whom we met near the shopping center in Sokolniki, says with a challenge. “There’s nothing to do here without a can of cocktail or beer,” adds his girlfriend Sonya, 14 years old. Danila joins our conversation, he is almost 15: “We drink to cheer up, relax … There is nothing wrong with that, we are not some kind of alcoholics …”
Although it is against the law to sell alcohol to minors*, teenagers still find a way out — usually they ask for a favor from passers-by or someone from older acquaintances.
Parents are very frightened by the experiments of children with alcohol. They are not only worried about their health, understanding what alcohol abuse can lead to. Sometimes they simply do not know how to approach the topic of alcohol, whether it is worth resorting to extreme measures and what to do if the child returned home clearly tipsy.
Why are they doing that
At a young age, it seems to many that adults do not love them enough, pay little attention to them. Teenagers have a feeling of inner emptiness and loneliness, which they drown out with the help of alcohol. “Teenagers are pleased with the lightness and freedom that comes with intoxication,” explains psychotherapist Alexander Shadura. Alcohol is a powerful relaxing agent. It helps to relieve emotional stress, get rid of shyness, complexes, communication barriers.
In addition, alcohol and cigarettes are the only ones that are relatively affordable, despite the ban on sale to minors, and therefore especially attractive trappings of the adult world. Teenagers think that alcohol makes them older, so they flaunt their drunk glasses and glasses. By joining in this way to adult life, they force their parents to admit that they have ceased to be children.
Having tried alcohol once, teenagers are afraid to appear insolvent in the eyes of their friends and can no longer stop.
“In fact, not all teenagers like the taste of alcohol, for many it is disgusting,” says Alexander Shadura. “But even if the case ends in poisoning, alcohol is so important in their ideas about growing up that it is very difficult for them to stop and refuse to drink the next time.” Talking about the dangers of alcohol does not help either: at the age of 14, health seems endless. Teenagers simply do not believe us, do not take our arguments seriously, so any words of adults are rebuffed: “Why can you, but I can’t?”
Another important factor is «collectivism». A teenager needs a society of equals, where he is perceived as a person. The last school years are the only period in our lives when a sense of belonging to a group, common standards of behavior, and the opinion of peers are not only important, but serve as a necessary condition for personal development. That is why, once they have tried alcohol, teenagers are afraid to appear insolvent in the eyes of their friends and can no longer stop. They can drink a lot and everything in a row, mix drinks of different strengths, which makes intoxication many times stronger.
In an experiment on an auto simulator, which was conducted by a group of psychologists led by Temple University (USA) professor Lawrence Steinberg, players were offered a choice: stop at a yellow traffic light or risk passing. Playing alone, both adults and teenagers chose the safe option. In a group game, teenagers took risks twice as often, and the behavior of adults did not change. “The presence of peers has such a strong effect on emotions that children act recklessly, and the desire for recognition is so great that it makes it difficult to adequately assess the danger,” explains Lawrence Steinberg.
First reaction
“We have two sons, the eldest is studying at the institute, the youngest is in the 10th grade,” says 46-year-old Marina. — My husband and I decided a long time ago that we would be more or less loyal in relation to alcohol. At home, they sometimes could drink a glass of beer with us, several times the elder asked to buy a bottle of wine when he went to the birthday party of familiar boys. But they never had the desire to try something strong.
As a result, the eldest son does not drink at all, besides, he is always driving, but the youngest once gave us a surprise … The spectacle, I must say, was not very pleasant. But we somehow calmly reacted to this, did not scold him, just put him to bed … True, he himself was so frightened that for a long time, I think, he remembered this experience.
Try to refrain from any comments, act collected, calmly, in an adult way
Many adults do not even know if their child has ever drunk alcohol. Few people think about what they will do if their child starts having problems with alcohol, but most parents will act if such problems arise.
Some parents, despite the laws existing in our country, define boundaries in advance, explain how to avoid trouble: “Of course, I understand that you drank beer in the park. But I don’t advise you to mix it with wine or anything else — headache and nausea are guaranteed ”; “It’s better to come to celebrate the end of the quarter to our house — there is a chance to meet with the district police officer in the school yard”; “When you go camping, don’t forget to stock up on sandwiches. In the air you will get hungry, and it will be a shame if it turns out that you thought about wine, but not about a snack.
If your child obviously drank and in this form for the first time appeared before your eyes, do not be alarmed. “He decided to show you his condition, which means he trusts you and counts on your understanding and help,” says psychotherapist Marina Bebchuk. Many of us in a critical situation lose our heads and fall on a teenager with reproaches. We are driven to this by fear, anger, pity, difficult family experiences, the burden of parental responsibility and a sense of our own powerlessness.
“Indeed, the first reaction of parents is to shout (“How dare you!”), start lecturing or even declare a boycott, says Marina Bebchuk. “The other extreme is lamentations (“How bad are you”), fuss around the child (“Let’s drink, eat to make it easier”), irony, jokes, attempts to cheer up.” Both reactions are dangerous. In the first case, we increase the shame and guilt of the child, who already feels that he did wrong. And in the second, on the contrary, we show the teenager that his behavior is acceptable to us, nothing special happened — nothing, a matter of life.
“Try to refrain from any comments, act in a collected, calm, adult way,” advises Marina Bebchuk. “Offer to take a shower, open the window, put me to bed.” If your child drank too much with friends at 14, this does not mean that he began to drink. It’s just that he has reached the age of mastering new roles and new relationships.
Consistency and trust
If a teenager came home drunk, it is necessary to talk to him, and it is better for parents to do this together, having previously coordinated their actions. “The conversation should not start on the same day, but immediately after the child sobers up,” advises Alexander Shadura. — It is pointless to talk meaningfully with a drunk child: even the most friendly and reasonable words are unlikely to be heard. But this conversation should not be postponed for a long time. When we play for time, not daring to talk about what happened or not knowing how to behave after it, there is a risk that our reaction will erupt in a completely different way — because of a trifle like a torn jacket, for example.
Start with the main thing — with what you felt when you saw your son or daughter: express your fear, grief, surprise, indignation («When I saw you at the door yesterday, I was scared, because for the first time in my life I felt for you disgust»). At the same time, avoid judgmental words and assessments (“You disappointed me”), talk only about yourself. Then you can ask about what happened the day before: “What and how much did you drink?”; “Who else was with you yesterday, how are they feeling?”; «How come you couldn’t stop in time?»
If the child does not want to answer your questions, do not insist, if he answers, react. “For example, say that everything that has happened is an experience anyway. But it seems to us that it’s too early to start drinking at the age of 13: the body is not yet adapted to such a load, ”advises Marina Bebchuk. “At the same time, talking with teenagers exclusively about the dangers of alcohol, telling horrors, inspiring disgust and fear, is ineffective,” Alexander Shadura believes. — Alcohol is part of our culture, and children perfectly see not only the suffering that a drinking person inflicts on himself or others. They know (from their own experience and from others) that alcohol is pleasurable: improves mood, creates unusual sensations, gives courage, facilitates communication.
It is especially difficult to choose a course of action if someone in the family abuses alcohol. “In this situation, it is not easy to find arguments that will be heard, besides, parents who like to drink often do not feel entitled to limit the child,” says psychotherapist Alexander Shadura. But still there are a few rules. Never allow a teenager to drink with an adult. Avoid moralizing phrases like «Don’t follow your father’s example!» “They will only complicate communication.”
Whatever happens in your child’s life, it is important to maintain mutual respect, trust, or at least minimal contact.
Sometimes it may seem that the most correct solution is a strict ban. “This technique never works and, most likely, will push the teenager to new experiments, which he will hide much more carefully,” Alexander Shadura warns. “But to figure out how and why it happened that the child got drunk, and whether he is going to repeat this experience, it is imperative.”
However, if there are good relations in the family, the prohibition can work: the fear of losing the trust and love of parents may make him think about his behavior. If a teenager has nothing to lose, because his parents have never been close to him, the ban will only strengthen the wall of mutual misunderstanding.
Paradoxically, but perhaps at this moment it is worth considering that our relationship with the child needs to be adjusted for the simple reason that he has grown. “But no matter what happens in your child’s life, it is important to maintain the basis of your relationship — mutual respect, trust, or at least minimal contact,” says Marina Bebchuk. “Only in this case, the teenager will hear you even during the most reckless actions and the most desperate bravado.”
* “On Restricting the Retail Sale and Consumption (Drinking) of Beer and Drinks Based on It” and “On State Regulation of the Production and Turnover of Ethyl Alcohol, Alcoholic Products and Alcohol-Containing Products”.