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Cheating is one of the main reasons for divorces and separations. At the same time, it is often not the fact of an affair on the side that prevents the relationship from being saved, but the loss of trust, the suspicion of one side and the secrecy of the other. And only a frank conversation will allow partners to rediscover each other and not destroy the connection.
Does the partner constantly stay late at work, secretly correspond with someone in the evenings and avoid questions? These and other signs give us a serious reason to suspect him of treason. But how do you initiate a difficult conversation about what’s going on? What if our intuition deceives us, and we offend our partner and destroy the relationship?
The recipe for a successful dialogue is suggested by the family psychologist-psychotherapist Neil Wilkie.
Secret surveillance, checking correspondence and calls and questioning his friends and colleagues is not an option, the specialist is sure. A serious conversation with a partner is necessary at the first suspicion of one of the partners of infidelity. If we postpone the conversation, then the accumulated grievances will not allow us to objectively assess the prospects for relations, and they will be doomed.
So if the partner behaves strangely and does not explain the reasons for his behavior, you need to choose a time and place for a frank conversation and try to ensure that no one and nothing distracts us from communication. You can think over the conversation plan in advance and predict several scenarios for its completion.
During the conversation itself, in no case should you pounce on your partner with reproaches, claims and accusations, because the attack tactics will force him to take a defensive position and deny everything, even if he wanted to confess to treason sooner or later.
A couple can stay together even after cheating and betrayal if both partners are willing to work on the relationship.
It will be much more productive to talk about your own feelings and experiences. For example, it’s better to say “I feel unloved and unwanted” than “You don’t spend enough time with me.” Thanks to this partner, it will be easier to understand our depressed state and influence its improvement.
No matter what your partner says, you should always trust your intuition. Only an inner instinct can tell if a partner is really honest with us or just making excuses. If during the course of the conversation it turns out that our suspicions of treason were unfounded, then it is worth further discussing how to restore trust and whether new rules of the relationship need to be created.
However, if the partner’s answer does not satisfy us, then we should not stop trying to continue talking openly with him about this. After all, a loving partner should be interested in ensuring that there is no room for suspicion in the relationship. Perhaps, in order to fully clarify what worries both partners, the help of a psychotherapist will be required.
Well, in the event that the partner confessed to everything, the decision on a joint future remains only with us. It is necessary to decide whether we are ready to forgive betrayal and continue to live together, or whether the partner’s mistake has become fatal. A couple can stay together even after cheating and betrayal if both partners are willing to work on the relationship. And here’s what you need to do.
1. Rate on a 10-point scale all elements of the relationship
- Communication – the ability to talk to each other, express our feelings and realize that we are understood.
- Intimate connection – moments of intimacy in a couple, starting with touches and declarations of love and ending with passionate sex.
- Investment in relationships – the interest of both partners in maintaining relations, the willingness to work on them.
- Development – partners together and separately should become better, feel happier.
- Entertainment – joint activities, walks, as well as the opportunity to do stupid things with a partner.
- Confidence – a basic belief in the decency and honesty of a person.
2. Clarify your feelings
You need to answer yourself the following questions:
- What did the partner lack in his relationship with me, what did he find in connection with his mistress or lover?
- Do I have a share of the responsibility that the partner has changed? Perhaps I created a certain situation that prompted him to start an affair on the side?
- How do I see my future? It seems to me more promising to maintain a relationship with a current partner, or to look for a new lover?
- Will I ever forgive him?
- Is the partner really remorseful?
3. Determine your partner’s interest in the relationship
First, the partner must end the relationship with the mistress or lover and be honest about her or her attempts to contact him. He is obliged to frankly answer all questions about treason and express sincere repentance for his act. Only in this way can we be sure that he will not repeat this mistake again.
“Treat this crisis as an awakening. Yes, this is a painful and difficult period for couples, but at the same time, it is a unique opportunity to reflect on the value of your connection and build a healthier and more harmonious relationship,” concludes Nick Wilkie.